Venting I don’t know what I want anymore | I’m just going on a venting spree

[gardenofaphrodite]

I want to die, but I also don't. I just want to be in control of my death, I want to die early, not later in life- but at the same time I have this feeling of wanting to have a good life- like having kids, even though I don't want/scared of having kids. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even without kids. She's awful, I don't want to be like her & I'm trying so hard not to- but I know I have anger issues & my depressive episodes are getting much longer & much much much harder to cope through. I haven't had a job for like 2 or 3 months, I feel useless. My siblings are constantly saying how they'll be independent, they'll never ask for help, etc etc. & it's really fueling the fire on how much I've failed. How much I keep continuing to fuck up & fail. I feel like I will never be who I wanna be, or do what I want to do- or ever be content. I feel like I can't be happy, I'm not allowed to be happy- I'm not allowed to have anything good happen. It always gets stripped away, & then I'm constantly reminded by people how much I fuck up, & how my family tells people how much I keep fucking up. It's like I'm already down & I'm tired of continuing to be kicked down. I'm tired of being who I am, I hate myself & I keep trying to fix myself, or find things I like about myself & I end up stuck on a cycle of self-loathing & typing out my thoughts.

It's like my whole family just doesn't see how badly I'm doing, I'm barely even trying to mask it anymore, & no one notices- but I've been threatened that if I try to ctb again & I survive, I will be kicked out, quote "you better not try that shit near my babies EVER again. If you feel like that fucking get over it"

& she wonders why I don't speak to her, why I ignore her, why I purposely, every chance I get, denounce all her little made up stories she makes in front of people, to embarrass her, because I'm over it. I'm tired of being nice & letting her walk all over me. I want to live to spite her, but on the other end I want die & leave all the information I have, to cause chaos, divorce, financial problems, debt, just so she can suffer the way she has made me suffer. Is it cruel? Absolutely. I feel nothing for her though. I feel empathy, I feel things for others, but not for her. I don't care how she was raised, I don't care about her trauma, work through it & stop taken it out on your fucking kids & making everyone walk on fucking egg shells constantly. Maybe stop making shit up to gain attention & pity because you're a raging narcissist who puts people down just to gain attention. Who flaunts & openly talks about their child's depression likes it's fucking highschool gossip.

I feel like if I wasn't hidden from my actual family, I would have had good opportunities, I would have been bilingual, I would have had a good education, I would've received better support, I would've had someone who loved me & did the treat me like shit or kick me down. I would have never ended up like this. It angers me so much I can't even explain it in words. I want to ctb so fucking bad because my life has been dealt really shitty fucking cards because my mother is a piece of shit cheating, lying, thief of a whore & I fucking hate her guts. If she passes away while I'm alive I think at the funeral I would let everyone know who she truly is, rather than who she pretends to be. I know I would be sad, I wish she would take accountability & get better but she chooses not to. I just wish she wasn't such a lying piece of shit. I fucking hate her. I want her to live a really long fucking time just so that when I fucking die, her world falls apart & she has to suffer.

I know I'm being incredibly harsh & hateful, but due to personal info I just won't share the real reasons why- but if you were in my shoes, I feel some of you would understand my immense hatred & frustration towards her & the life she took away from me.

 

[The anhedonic one]

My bitch cunt Mother was a narcissist.
She was a sadistic, peice of human excrement who loved to torment me with her freakish mind games.
Every tiny aspect of my life was controlled by this cunt, it was suffocating.
The constant belittling comments, invalidation of my feelings, and countless other toxic behaviours almost drove me insane.
The bitch died a few years ago.
I never shed a tear, or went to her funeral.
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

My bitch cunt Mother was a narcissist.
She was a sadistic, peice of human excrement who loved to torment me with her freakish mind games.
Every tiny aspect of my life was controlled by this cunt, it was suffocating.
The constant belittling comments, invalidation of my feelings, and countless other toxic behaviours almost drove me insane.
The bitch died a few years ago.
I never shed a tear, or went to her funeral.
So sorry you are going through this.

When my mother dies, if I'm still here, I will be only attending the funeral to show who she really was, tell everyone everything, about her lies, her abusive behavior, being a manipulative bitch, etc. I fully understand all of what you've experienced- it's the belittling & mind games/gaslighting & manipulation that drives me insane, & now that I'm aware of her attempts as an adult. It makes me feel even crazier. My family plays into her shit just to stay on her good side, instead of defending my points towards her, because, in there words, they don't want to be treated like I'm treated by her.

 

[The anhedonic one]

When my mother dies, if I'm still here, I will be only attending the funeral to show who she really was, tell everyone everything, about her lies, her abusive behavior, being a manipulative bitch, etc. I fully understand all of what you've experienced- it's the belittling & mind games/gaslighting & manipulation that drives me insane, & now that I'm aware of her attempts as an adult. It makes me feel even crazier. My family plays into her shit just to stay on her good side, instead of defending my points towards her, because, in there words, they don't want to be treated like I'm treated by her.

I went through the same things too as regards family: She would make up lies to other family members about me. She even sabotaged my relationship with my Nephew when He was 8 years old, by telling my Sister that I was a paedophile.
She messed with my computer ( she must have had help to do this ) and put some horrifying images onto my hardrive.
She then invited my sister round to the house to show her the images.
My Sister refused to allow me to see my nephew again.
My cunt bitch Mother was a real piece of work. Evil to say the least.

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

I went through the same things too as regards family: She would make up lies to other family members about me. She even sabotaged my relationship with my Nephew when He was 8 years old, by telling my Sister that I was a paedophile.
She messed with my computer ( she must have had help to do this ) and put some horrifying images onto my hardrive.
She then invited my sister round to the house to show her the images.
My Sister refused to allow me to see my nephew again.
My cunt bitch Mother was a real piece of work. Evil to say the least.

Jesus fucking christ she sounds awful, I'll explain mine very vaguely as details are incredibly personal- my mother lied about being raped my entire life, reminding me constantly that I was a product of rape, & constantly talking about it. I always found it very weird (I have experienced sexual assault, but I could never go into detail like that, it would make me very uncomfortable) & she made me a "baby box", & in an unfinished photo album, there was a picture of her, & my bio dad, holding me, smiling together. That photo always felt very off.

Some time later, a month after my failed ctb attempt, my aunt contacted me, then I got in contact with my dad. She lied, about literally everything. She said she had only known him for a few months- complete lie. They had been together for 5yrs, trying to have a baby, he caught her cheating, & when I was born, she stole me & moved states. My uncle knows about it, & so does my brother's dad. She doesn't know that I know, & my step dad (her current husband) doesn't know either.


The whole situation is really really really complicated & fucked up, I'm leaving out a lot- but essentially my whole life is a lie & I was denied meeting my family. My grandmother I never met died in 2018/2019 & she always wanted to meet me. I was denied that, I was denied my father, my aunts, & my half sister. My cousins, my whole other family- I was denied learning the language they all speak, my heritage- instead, for many years, my mom made fun of that heritage & religion related to it, she hated it- constantly made fun of it, racist jokes, called me a sand n***a & a whole slew of slurs.

To this day, she does not know that I know the truth, soon though, she will. Whether it be after my death, or if I'm able to move in with my dad, she will know, & I do not care if it destroys the family.

I went through the same things too as regards family: She would make up lies to other family members about me. She even sabotaged my relationship with my Nephew when He was 8 years old, by telling my Sister that I was a paedophile.
She messed with my computer ( she must have had help to do this ) and put some horrifying images onto my hardrive.
She then invited my sister round to the house to show her the images.
My Sister refused to allow me to see my nephew again.
My cunt bitch Mother was a real piece of work. Evil to say the least.

Also, couldn't you find a way to charge her for that? Like is it only your hardrive or was it a shared computer? Because if she downloaded it, that's fucking gross first off, & second, illegal as fuck

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Seems a lot of our mothers are terrible. And people wonder why antinatalism enjoys the support it does in communities like this.

It's very hard not to internalize things that our parents so. That's why parental abuse can gave lifelong impact even long after the parent has died.

I don't think your future is anywhere near set in stone at your age no matter how much it feels to be. It is clear that moving out and away is a requirement for any chance at happiness. What is one step you could possibly take towards that end?

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

Seems a lot of our mothers are terrible. And people wonder why antinatalism enjoys the support it does in communities like this.

It's very hard not to internalize things that our parents so. That's why parental abuse can gave lifelong impact even long after the parent has died.

I don't think your future is anywhere near set in stone at your age no matter how much it feels to be. It is clear that moving out and away is a requirement for any chance at happiness. What is one step you could possibly take towards that end?

I did move out, but shit happened & we got evicted, just couldn't afford it anymore. Had to move back to a place where there's 0 job opportunities. Nothing full time or it pays $7.25/hr, maybe $8/hr if you're really lucky.

I'm honestly not even sure what my next step is if I even want to try again. I've thought of trying to move in with my bio-dad but I really just don't know anymore. Everything is so complicated right now, & I know I'm young, but I've been doomed since conception. Every opportunity I've had a chance of getting has been ripped away because of my mother, whether it be my bio-dad ripped away, or being pulled out of school & losing scholarships because of it. Poverty, unemployment, lack of health insurance, lack of mental or emotional support. It's exhausting. I've been working since I was like 14. I'm tired. If the economy wasn't so god awful, minimum wage where I live was $13/hr instead of $7.25/hr ($3 if you're a waiter/waitress), I feel like I'd be where I want to be. But unfortunately I'm not, that's not even counting in the things I can't control- getting T-boned, car totaled, vet bills piled up from my dead cat, debt from my abusive ex, debt from trying to pay rent— I don't have a plan, I can't even survive.

Covid really put shit back as well, & in the last two years I've been in the ER repeatedly. Sinus infections, bronchitis, the flu, & Covid. All during times where I financially could not afford to get sick- & it put me back more. People talk about burnout after long weeks at work, & I understand that- but I'm burnt out. I'm just really, really exhausted. I've been unemployed for 2 or 3 months now. I want to work so I have an income again, but I've noticed how ill & tired my body already is, & I'm worried I've got health issues going on that I don't even know about- but I don't have the money to find out. I'm only 20, when I was 17 I could unload huge trucks for hours, I feel like if I tried now I would actually pass out- I don't know why. It could be exhaustion, could be an illness I'm not aware of. A lot of bs runs in the genes as well, so who knows.

If I could have one thing, I want my plans to go the way they're supposed to, be financially & mentally stable, & not feeling exhausted every single day.

 

[The anhedonic one]

It was my own computer, the images were on the drive. She most definitely had help with doing this, because the images were not downloaded. I'm pretty sure of this because I never had a visit from the cops.
I don't have any contact with any of the family anymore. My Sister is actually my stepsister, and older than me. So She and my Nephew weren't blood relatives anyway.
I just threw the hard drive away, and didn't bother calling the cops because being a narcissist, She is an expert liar.
So sorry for all that you have been through. Some of us really have been through hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've been through, to me it's just so horrible how people cruelly force life into this world just to treat that person so badly, this world where so much suffering exists undeniably is so hellish. But anyway best wishes.