I dont know me anymore

[TraurigerClown]

Hello,
i know im going to ctb in the next 3 weeks, but i dont know me anymore!
On one side im totally happy to be finally on the finishline but im still having my dayly outbursts of crying and this knot in my throat and stomach won´t lose at all.
Saturday for example i cried the whole day that i was exhausted and slept the whole sunday. And now im awake since 1am and switchign between happyness, sadness and emptyness withing minutes.

And i have to admit, that i fear to do something wrong and end up as total vegetable, after my last attempts failed and brought me some damage to my brain....!

Writing this sends chills through my body and idk if its right to text stuff like this and if i bother you with my shit...so please forgive me, if i bother you

 

[Lone_Traveler90]

Don't apologize we are all here to support each other on every step. Your fear and mood changes are normal I think when you know you facing an end

 

[TraurigerClown]

Don't apologize we are all here to support each other on every step. Your fear and mood changes are normal I think when you know you facing an end

Thank you for your kind words

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so tiring what you have to go through, and I also really fear getting damage from a ctb attempt, it's horrific how methods can fail and just cause more torment to be experienced. It must had been so incredibly awful going through that failed attempt, I so hate this world that denies us the options of more reliable methods and makes it so we have to suffer so much in finding ways to leave. But I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for, when the time is right for you to be gone.

 

[Seekingawayout]

Hello,
i know im going to ctb in the next 3 weeks, but i dont know me anymore!
On one side im totally happy to be finally on the finishline but im still having my dayly outbursts of crying and this knot in my throat and stomach won´t lose at all.
Saturday for example i cried the whole day that i was exhausted and slept the whole sunday. And now im awake since 1am and switchign between happyness, sadness and emptyness withing minutes.

And i have to admit, that i fear to do something wrong and end up as total vegetable, after my last attempts failed and brought me some damage to my brain....!

Writing this sends chills through my body and idk if its right to text stuff like this and if i bother you with my shit...so please forgive me, if i bother you

I think this is perfectly natural response to facing a known death date. I'm going through the same, I've attempted to partially hang or ligature strangle myself for a week now and I'm still going through sadness, anger, bargaining, and relief (though the relief is waning at this point. I had planned to be gone by now!)

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

It's completely understandable. No need for any embarrassment or shame. We're all going through our own things and we're all handling them however we can. I can very much relate to not recognising myself anymore.
I'm very sorry that life has brought you to this point. If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm listening

 

[LookingforAnswers]

I feel the same way. When my mind went crazy (july 2021) i seemed to lose sense of my identity and go into a state of questioning everything. I no longer know which thoughts are mine and which ones depression drives.

Its sad being so confused