charlemagne
lover of cute things
- Aug 31, 2021
- 32
I was so happy as a child. Everything went bad when my dad died when I was 13. I started cutting and its gotten worse. Over the years, my grandma died, both grandpas, my uncle and my two wonderful pet rats. When each of my rats died, i held theyre soulless bodies, and cried.
I got into a 4 year relationship, which I thought was wonderful. I thought that I was treated right, but only realised not so long ago that I was used for sex, he forced me, many times, even paid me to do it because I just didnt want to do it. During our relationship he was interested in multiple girls, and in the end he treated me like shit on purpose to get me to break up because he was "afraid" Id kill myself if he did it. Ive had multiple suicide attempts during this relationship, some caused by him, but because my mother is at home with me almost all the time, I failed.
I now have a girlfriend, and Im sure she treats me right unlike my ex. She doesnt force me to do anything, she helps me when I feel down or suicidal, she tries to help me recover from my ed. She makes me feel like im special, and I never felt the way I do with her.
Unfortunately my suicidal thoughts (and plans) didnt disapear. I am sure I will do it, and its a matter of time. It makes me sad that I will hurt her with this, but I have had enough of living for others. I dont want to suffer anymore. And whenever someone says "Dont do it, for me" it disgusts me.
I know theres no way Ill ever get rid of my mental problems. And Ive accepted it. I dont feel like I want to get better anymore. I dont believe theres a chance I ever will.
It feels good sometimes to just write all my feeling out, but its not a permanent fix, but if you read all this, thank you, for caring enough to finish this vent
I got into a 4 year relationship, which I thought was wonderful. I thought that I was treated right, but only realised not so long ago that I was used for sex, he forced me, many times, even paid me to do it because I just didnt want to do it. During our relationship he was interested in multiple girls, and in the end he treated me like shit on purpose to get me to break up because he was "afraid" Id kill myself if he did it. Ive had multiple suicide attempts during this relationship, some caused by him, but because my mother is at home with me almost all the time, I failed.
I now have a girlfriend, and Im sure she treats me right unlike my ex. She doesnt force me to do anything, she helps me when I feel down or suicidal, she tries to help me recover from my ed. She makes me feel like im special, and I never felt the way I do with her.
Unfortunately my suicidal thoughts (and plans) didnt disapear. I am sure I will do it, and its a matter of time. It makes me sad that I will hurt her with this, but I have had enough of living for others. I dont want to suffer anymore. And whenever someone says "Dont do it, for me" it disgusts me.
I know theres no way Ill ever get rid of my mental problems. And Ive accepted it. I dont feel like I want to get better anymore. I dont believe theres a chance I ever will.
It feels good sometimes to just write all my feeling out, but its not a permanent fix, but if you read all this, thank you, for caring enough to finish this vent
