I don't know if I want to get better.

[Backwoodsqueer]

I had my third counseling session today and she told me she thinks I need to see a trauma specialist. I don't know if I *want* to see a trauma specialist. She started talking about unpacking all of my trauma and it honestly terrified me to think about. Those things are packed away into dark corners of my mind for a reason and I'm not sure if I care to revisit them. She also told me to do some reading on Internal Family Systems. It makes sense, but it still scares the fuck out of me. I'm only even seeing her because my insurance required it after letting it slip that I was depressed during a wellness visit. Part of me is okay and at peace with the idea of ctb which makes me feel like all of this counseling and shit is a waste of time. I guess I just keep going along with the motions and telling myself that I don't have to make any decisions *right now*. Maybe the other part of me does want to hold on? I honestly don't even know what's going on inside my own head.

 

[Thanatos]

I know I dont want to get better. The world is my problem not me. Just enjoying the time I'm still here

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I think for me, the issue is that I don't know if I can get better. It seems like every time there seems to be a little bit of progress, a huge setback comes along and then I end up going back 10 steps after taking 1 step forward. At some point, I will probably decide that I've had enough and just give up.

I hope you can figure out what you want and what works for you. It would be awesome if you could get better and be happy with life, but if not, at least you have a backup plan, if all else fails.