Venting I don't know if I want to get better

[myrtaryniel]

I've been depressed all my life, and doctors think i'll probably always will be. I can only fight through life, putting 10 times more effort, and I don't think it's even worth it because with this illness i'll clearly never achieve anything important nor i'll ever be mentally stable.
I've been given a chance to enter a kind of rehab clinic with a free therapist and such but I don't even know if I want to go. It will give me hope, and later life will be as fucking bad and sad as always. It's a cycle that never ends. I just wanna ruin my life sleeping, doing drugs and finally ctb. It's the easy way. It's the only way truly appealing to me. I'm so tired of trying to get better and never achieving anything. I've already lost so many years to depression and I know i'll lose many more. The sooner I go the better.

 

[any%]

I am riding the same track. I can relate more than I want to admit. I cant care for the future, all I do is to get by each day. Just to make it to the point where I can go to bed and then rinse and repeat. I actually dont really want to die, but it seems to me that I should kill myself because I cant live with myself even though I would like to live if that makes any sense.
Cant tell you anything that will help you, I am just sad that I am not alone and devastated that I am alone at the same time. My aching heart goes out to you!

 

[wanttodie]

me to I've been depressed all my life, I'm so tired of life and living and don't want to get better want to die

 

[AmberRed]

Totally feeling this. I hate the feeling of total underachievement due to mental illness. You get one shot at life but I've fucked it so I may as well give up. Same as you I know my personality type will never let me be stable.. I've never been that as long as I remember. Trying to get better to me is like being in a dark room in a house, hoping that the next room is where I'll find the light, then finding it's just as dark as the last one. So bored of trying.

 

[oopswronglife]

If I was physically healthy and everything else about life wasn't terrible I would definitely want to get mentally better, but I have this feeling that just being "not depressed" would just be another sort of miserable since I am in constant pain, have no life, no future etc. In fact when on medication that in any way elevates mood it just shifts the misery from depression to anxiety about how to survive long term. I'd need an "extreme home makeover" to live....not just a mental change.

 

[myrtaryniel]

Totally feeling this. I hate the feeling of total underachievement due to mental illness. You get one shot at life but I've fucked it so I may as well give up. Same as you I know my personality type will never let me be stable.. I've never been that as long as I remember. Trying to get better to me is like being in a dark room in a house, hoping that the next room is where I'll find the light, then finding it's just as dark as the last one. So bored of trying.

Really felt that. Actually some years ago I used to have this recurring dream where I was alone in a big house, and I would go around running and screaming for someone to get me out of the house but nobody ever came. Just like irl I guess.

 

[TowerUpright]

For me, I don't know if I really want to get better. I hardly feel anything emotions at all. At work, I have to fake it, which is exhausting. Getting home, I have to fake happiness and love-actions (like a welcome home hug, etc), when really I just want to get away from everything. The only thing I can honestly feel is when I am in a depression. The feeling sucks bad (as many people know), but I FEEL it. It's real to me. I'm in a cold, dark pit, where simply being touched by someone feels like ice. If I stopped feeling depressed, I'd feel nothing at all (or, very small flickers of feelings).

I just wish I had the opportunity to CTB via SN. There's just no way I could pull it off and not be caught / revived / etc.

 

[Lara Francis]

I've been depressed all my life, and doctors think i'll probably always will be. I can only fight through life, putting 10 times more effort, and I don't think it's even worth it because with this illness i'll clearly never achieve anything important nor i'll ever be mentally stable.
I've been given a chance to enter a kind of rehab clinic with a free therapist and such but I don't even know if I want to go. It will give me hope, and later life will be as fucking bad and sad as always. It's a cycle that never ends. I just wanna ruin my life sleeping, doing drugs and finally ctb. It's the easy way. It's the only way truly appealing to me. I'm so tired of trying to get better and never achieving anything. I've already lost so many years to depression and I know i'll lose many more. The sooner I go the better.

This is very relatable.
A guess most of us have tried the whole recovery affair and now accept our fate.

It doesnt matter how much others want to try and help ,their efforts are taking us no where.
I told someone that I was suicidal today and she was horrified and even more so when i refused her offer of help that she felt obliged to give.
I think alot of things in life can be achieveable when we have the motivation to drive us forward but things never seem to work when our efforts are half hearted or non exsistant.
Sometimes i think we give life our all and its just not good enough!

 

[pole]

you can only try for so long. comes a time where you feel exhausted in facing the same outcome over and over again; gets to the point where you become numb, hopeless and emotionless.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

you can only try for so long. comes a time where you feel exhausted in facing the same outcome over and over again; gets to the point where you become numb, hopeless and emotionless.

and you just want to turn you off of this planet. i totally relate

 

[pole]

and you just want to turn you off of this planet. i totally relate

gotten to the point where when i sleep, its like im in my dreams, like im in that reality and i dont know if im dreaming or alive. but i think its cause whenever im sleep, im at peace for once, its so peaceful. then whenever i wake up, i'm like fuck lol.

wish i was in an endless sleep.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

gotten to the point where when i sleep, its like im in my dreams, like im in that reality and i dont know if im dreaming or alive. but i think its cause whenever im sleep, im at peace for once, its so peaceful. then whenever i wake up, i'm like fuck lol.

wish i was in an endless sleep.

i wanna sleep forever. also my parents acts so bad to me without a reason so they don't let me sleep.. that really hurts. they refused all their shitty genetic they gave me..

 

[Dead beat dad]

I've been depressed all my life, and doctors think i'll probably always will be. I can only fight through life, putting 10 times more effort, and I don't think it's even worth it because with this illness i'll clearly never achieve anything important nor i'll ever be mentally stable.
I've been given a chance to enter a kind of rehab clinic with a free therapist and such but I don't even know if I want to go. It will give me hope, and later life will be as fucking bad and sad as always. It's a cycle that never ends. I just wanna ruin my life sleeping, doing drugs and finally ctb. It's the easy way. It's the only way truly appealing to me. I'm so tired of trying to get better and never achieving anything. I've already lost so many years to depression and I know i'll lose many more. The sooner I go the better.

I have nothing useful to add other than to say I feel your pain brother. I'm so sorry that you've entered up in this place. I really hope you can find some light and comfort, wherever you find it.
Good luck friend.
DBD

 

[pole]

i wanna sleep forever. also my parents acts so bad to me without a reason so they don't let me sleep.. that really hurts. they refused all their shitty genetic they gave me..

move out and away from that type of environment. you dont deserve that, no one does.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

I don't know if it makes sense to even try anymore if there's not a guarantee I'll get better this time. I've had MDD since age 10 and have tried numerous medications the last possibly messing up my heart but don't know because I have no insurance to find out. I've tried alternative treatments including TMS, TBS and ketamine with no success. The doctor I had and trusted for 8 years just discarded me. I would love to not feel anything at all. Life is nothing but a lie.