Venting I don't know if I want to be alive anymore

[EunjooTsuji]

To say that my life has been a shit show would probably be an understatement at this point. A few years ago I got diagnosed with brain cancer. It was a long process and treatment was hell but after a lot of sacrifices I was finally cancer free, and when I say a lot I mean a lot. I lost my eyesight, so now I'm blind. (I use a screen-reader to get around online.) My legs are also paralysed now, so I'm wheelchair bound. I couldn't do anything that I used to love doing. When I was finally adapting and feeling less helpless, I was SAed, which kind of reinforced how vulnerable and powerless and pathetic I am and was awful in its own right. I still haven't recovered, I've made next to no progress in healing. I have flashbacks almost every day and I'm constantly feeling terrified and upset. And to put the icing on the cake, my cancer came back. It feels like surviving the first time was for nothing. I barely survived, I thought I was going to die, and I lost so much in the process but at least I was alive right? Nope. I don't know if I can even call this living anymore. It doesn't feel like it. I've been in treatment again for a few months, various types of chemo, radiation, etc. It's hell, it really is. I have no energy, I'm in pain, I can't walk, I can't see, I can barely move some days for a lack of energy and being so tired, and I'm probably going to die in less than a year anyhow. I keep wondering what it's all for. I just... I'm so fucking tired of it all. I don't know if I want to live out the rest of my life, I probably don't have much time left anyways and the time I do have left is going to be spent mostly bedridden, tired, depressed, terrified, and in pain, that is until my condition deteriorates more to the point that I'm barely concious, hallucinating, and barely myself anymore until I die. I don't see a point. Part of me still wants to spend the time I have left with my family and friends, and doesn't want to hurt them (Although this is a lesser point given I'm probably going to die from the cancer relatively soon anyways so it's a question of whether their hurt sooner or later) But still part of me wants to spend time with people while I can, and try to live out my remaining time as happily as I can, but a larger part of doesn't think I'll be anywhere approaching happy in these coming days, and just doesn't want to deal with things anymore. Anyways basically I'm conflicted and I don't know what to do. I don't think I really want to be here anymore. If anyone has any advice I could use it rn

 

[sadjenny]

My dear dear friend. You have been through so much already. Anything I could possibly say would not be enough. I had to reread your post twice to really take it in, and even then I am left sad and empty.

Any decision you chose to make here on out would be the correct one, and I am tremendously glad to meet you here on SS. Please continue to talk with us, vent, anything. I hope someone with a closer relation to cancer will come in soon to lend their insight.

 

[Zetsubou]

I'm so sorry to hear that life has dealt you a bad hand. I'm not sure what words of comfort I can provide you with, but I do hope that you can find peace in whatever you choose to do.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm so sorry. It's cases like yours that assisted death is pretty unambiguously justifiable. I don't see how anyone could contest that. But I gather that's unfortunately not an option where you are.

It's understandable to feel torn about something like this. Given your condition I think it should be readily understandable why you might not want to go on. I'm not sure you owe it t anyone to continue if this state if you truly didn't want to.

 

[EunjooTsuji]

I'm so sorry. It's cases like yours that assisted death is pretty unambiguously justifiable. I don't see how anyone could contest that. But I gather that's unfortunately not an option where you are.

It's understandable to feel torn about something like this. Given your condition I think it should be readily understandable why you might not want to go on. I'm not sure you owe it t anyone to continue if this state if you truly didn't want to.

Yes, unfortunately it's not an option for me, I know I don't owe it to anyone to continue, I guess I just can't really decide if it would be worth it to keep going for the limited time I have or to end it on my own terms and cut the suffering short. It's like, there's still good things in life, and I really do love my friends and family and enjoy being around them, but I can't decide if that's worth it or not. Thank you all for your kind words as well btw

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yes, unfortunately it's not an option for me, I know I don't owe it to anyone to continue, I guess I just can't really decide if it would be worth it to keep going for the limited time I have or to end it on my own terms and cut the suffering short. It's like, there's still good things in life, and I really do love my friends and family and enjoy being around them, but I can't decide if that's worth it or not. Thank you all for your kind words as well btw

Well, just to share my perspective, if I knew I was going to die in a year, let's say, or even 5, I would just live the time out. It's the seeming endless amount of time I have to live that makes me suicidal.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It's a hard decision that only you can make for yourself. I know, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be sticking around, but that's only MY take on it. Your situation sounds so horrendous that it's beyond words really. I guess, eventually, if things go as you believe they will, some type of hospice care will become involved and you'll, at least, get some relief from any pain you're experiencing. Not much of a consolation, though. Riding it out or bowing out early is a hard decision. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish for you the strength and resolve to make the best decision for yourself as you can.

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

I hate to say it but I would absolutely exit if I were in your shoes. However I am a different person. Its obvious that you have way better support systems than I do or ever had access to. I can't imagine having the abundance of love surrounding me as I slowly and knowingly wither away each day. As many have suggested there is no right answer.

Have you tried discussing this with your loved ones? Surely those who have lived through it with you would have great understanding and compassion towards your dilemma.

If you are undecided it might be helpful to think through what method you would choose if you were to go the path of ending it all. Many people here take comfort in knowing that they have their method within their reach. And as a result, they no longer feel pressure to make a decision today. Knowing that one can exit at any time of their choosing without worry often helps them get through each day.

How do you feel about acquiring materials? Do you think that would ease your worries? Remember you don't have to go through with it. Many have their method stored close by for years without actually using it.

 

[Alfarooq]

This is exactly what the hell I am going through as well. I have no motivation, no potential for success, and because of my uselessness, I always think of performing CTB but I'm not sure how i am even going to pull it off. I'm also becoming a failure like you, and I don't think I'm going to make it in this cursed world at all, not that I even deserve to live anyway. Life is for successful people and for those who can make use of themselves, not bastards like me. And on top of that it's not my only problem. I seem to have a problem with everyone I know as well. Everyone I know, I have seen the cursed side of them at least once. Not a single soul was nice to me my entire life.

Human beings are cursed. No one helps you become happy in this cursed world, no one cares about your existence, and no one helps you succeed. I have been harassed and offended a lot by many bastards, had many fake friends betray me, and every bastard only cares about themselves. There is no one worth trusting in this planet. Everyone around me is succeeding, and I am tired of being left out. Who will care about your existence? If your not smart enough to to make something useful of yourself in this life, you will not get anywhere. I need to CTB asap.I know someone 3 years ago with 5 failed CTB attempts. I don't want that to happen to me. I want succeed first attempt.

 

[EunjooTsuji]

I hate to say it but I would absolutely exit if I were in your shoes. However I am a different person. Its obvious that you have way better support systems than I do or ever had access to. I can't imagine having the abundance of love surrounding me as I slowly and knowingly wither away each day. As many have suggested there is no right answer.

Have you tried discussing this with your loved ones? Surely those who have lived through it with you would have great understanding and compassion towards your dilemma.

If you are undecided it might be helpful to think through what method you would choose if you were to go the path of ending it all. Many people here take comfort in knowing that they have their method within their reach. And as a result, they no longer feel pressure to make a decision today. Knowing that one can exit at any time of their choosing without worry often helps them get through each day.

How do you feel about acquiring materials? Do you think that would ease your worries? Remember you don't have to go through with it. Many have their method stored close by for years without actually using it.

I can't really discuss this with my loved ones unfortunately. My parents care about me but... well, I'll just say that that situation is complicated and leave it at that. And if I spoke to them about this, or anyone really, I would probably be put in a mental hospital, and that's not something I want to happen. The nearest one to me which I would likely be placed in is not good. There have been many scandals and stories from people who were forced to stay there about the abuse and mistreatment that happens, it is always silenced and it continues to exist but it is not a good or helpful place, so I can't really talk to anyone about it. They would not hesitate to tell the authorities in order to "help" and then I would be stuck. I think that's a good idea to figure out my method without pressuring myself to make a decision. I have not put too much thought into it. The problem is that being blind and wheelchair bound it is hard to do many things on my own, so I think I would have to overdose in some way probably. I would have to do more research into this but I think I might be able to overdose on my chemo medications, as they are very toxic and you must be very careful with them. Though I worry about doing that as I think it would be quite painful, and if it doesn't work out the results could be very bad. If I go through with it but it doesn't work it could have very bad effects physically, and I really don't want to be hospitalised, I have spent so much of my life in the hospital and only a few days ago did I come home from having to stay in the hospital isolated for radiation. I don't want to have to be hospitalised for my attempt and then transferred to the mental hospital once my life is not in immediate danger. I will have to do more research into this, suggestions are welcome, and thanks for the idea!

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like an absolutely horrific and unbearable situation to be trapped in, it disgusts me how life can torture people so much, it just proves that this world certainly is hell. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[leeloosnow]

@EunjooTsuji it is painful to even try to think what you're going through, i'm shocked, i'm horrified, and i wish there was some answer or actual help i could offer you. your words are physically, psychologically and emotionally unimaginable in terms of suffering, but i also see strength, perseverance and a sense of loyalty to your family in your writings. ultimately the answer of when to go is something we can only decide for ourselves, personally i feel comforted knowing that i have the option. is this something you can talk about with your family since it sounds like they're close with you? i hope whoever has assaulted you has been exposed and sentenced to the max, this was something hard to talk about for me as a physically healthy person, i hope you have support and safety in that sense now. i hope you find answers that you and those you care about can be at peace with. big hugs <3

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

I can't really discuss this with my loved ones unfortunately. My parents care about me but... well, I'll just say that that situation is complicated and leave it at that. And if I spoke to them about this, or anyone really, I would probably be put in a mental hospital, and that's not something I want to happen. The nearest one to me which I would likely be placed in is not good. There have been many scandals and stories from people who were forced to stay there about the abuse and mistreatment that happens, it is always silenced and it continues to exist but it is not a good or helpful place, so I can't really talk to anyone about it. They would not hesitate to tell the authorities in order to "help" and then I would be stuck. I think that's a good idea to figure out my method without pressuring myself to make a decision. I have not put too much thought into it. The problem is that being blind and wheelchair bound it is hard to do many things on my own, so I think I would have to overdose in some way probably. I would have to do more research into this but I think I might be able to overdose on my chemo medications, as they are very toxic and you must be very careful with them. Though I worry about doing that as I think it would be quite painful, and if it doesn't work out the results could be very bad. If I go through with it but it doesn't work it could have very bad effects physically, and I really don't want to be hospitalised, I have spent so much of my life in the hospital and only a few days ago did I come home from having to stay in the hospital isolated for radiation. I don't want to have to be hospitalised for my attempt and then transferred to the mental hospital once my life is not in immediate danger. I will have to do more research into this, suggestions are welcome, and thanks for the idea!

I definitely understand your plight. It sounds as if there are some cultural issues at play or bare minimum differences in values where your family and friend circle is concerned. Well I'm glad you found this place. The worse thing that could happen to anyone is to feel silenced. Especially while going through the physical and mental pain of a recurrent illness and an imperfect treatment journey.

In regards to overdosing, I definitely would not attempt to overdose on your meds. That may destroy your kidneys and liver leaving you worse off. Overdoses on prescription or OTC meds have a low success rate but high rate of leaving permanent damage.

There are much better overdosing methods discussed at great length the most popular of which are N and SN. There's also street drugs such as fentanyl however acquiring that is more difficult as it requires searching the dark web with the potential of being scammed. Considering your position and the latest issues surrounding N, you should read up on SN. There is Stan's guide and many posts that discuss it at great length. There are also posts that include people's experiences with it, including a handful that tried it as an experiment. For the most part it's probably easiest of all to access for someone in your position. Just note that the item would have to be delivered so you'd have to ensure you are able to be the one to accept the package. The good thing at least is that SN has other applications. So its not obvious and upfront that it also can be used for exiting.

I just want to make you aware that per many posts here SN has become difficult to acquire due to many prolifer attempts to get companies to restrict access to lethal chemicals so once you come across it please don't discuss the brand or your source. People here will also be reluctant to share it, to protect sources as well. There are a handful of fake members that may be hiding here in the hopes of getting that information from you with their own motives in mind, so please be cautious on your journey especially if anyone reaches out to you.

Below is a link full of resources that discuss methods. There's also a search bar if you need more clarity on a particular item. And of course you can always start a post if you have difficulty finding something or just need some support on the issue.

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Again there are many that just store their N or SN for years as a secret exit hatch, so please don't feel pressure to use it after you take that learning journey.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk.

 

[EunjooTsuji]

I definitely understand your plight. It sounds as if there are some cultural issues at play or bare minimum differences in values where your family and friend circle is concerned. Well I'm glad you found this place. The worse thing that could happen to anyone is to feel silenced. Especially while going through the physical and mental pain of a recurrent illness and an imperfect treatment journey.

In regards to overdosing, I definitely would not attempt to overdose on your meds. That may destroy your kidneys and liver leaving you worse off. Overdoses on prescription or OTC meds have a low success rate but high rate of leaving permanent damage.

There are much better overdosing methods discussed at great length the most popular of which are N and SN. There's also street drugs such as fentanyl however acquiring that is more difficult as it requires searching the dark web with the potential of being scammed. Considering your position and the latest issues surrounding N, you should read up on SN. There is Stan's guide and many posts that discuss it at great length. There are also posts that include people's experiences with it, including a handful that tried it as an experiment. For the most part it's probably easiest of all to access for someone in your position. Just note that the item would have to be delivered so you'd have to ensure you are able to be the one to accept the package. The good thing at least is that SN has other applications. So its not obvious and upfront that it also can be used for exiting.

I just want to make you aware that per many posts here SN has become difficult to acquire due to many prolifer attempts to get companies to restrict access to lethal chemicals so once you come across it please don't discuss the brand or your source. People here will also be reluctant to share it, to protect sources as well. There are a handful of fake members that may be hiding here in the hopes of getting that information from you with their own motives in mind, so please be cautious on your journey especially if anyone reaches out to you.

Below is a link full of resources that discuss methods. There's also a search bar if you need more clarity on a particular item. And of course you can always start a post if you have difficulty finding something or just need some support on the issue.

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Again there are many that just store their N or SN for years as a secret exit hatch, so please don't feel pressure to use it after you take that learning journey.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk.

Thank you very much! I don't think getting anything delivered is really possible for me unfortunately, both as shipping prices are insanely expensive here, and as I have no way of guaranteeing I'd be the one to pick up the package, and most likely would not be the one to do so. My options are pretty limited so I'll have to do more research, thank you so much!