Venting I don't know how to keep breathing through this anymore

[Chemi]

Hello, it's me again.

The one who keeps coming back even when I swear I'm done. The one who almost stepped through the exit door two days ago but got pulled back by messages and love and the goddamn calendar saying Christmas is too close now.

I'm still here, still carrying this weight on my chest that never lifts, this quiet scream trapped behind my ribs that no one hears. Every day feels like dragging myself through thick fog, and I'm so fucking tired of pretending I'm still in the race. People message less, conversations fade to gray, and I watch the distance grow like cracks in ice I'm standing on. I don't have the energy to reach out, to prove I'm still worth keeping. So I just... shrink. quieter. smaller. lonelier.

I was so close to letting go a few days ago. Everything was ready, the exit door was right there, and for a moment, the pain felt like it might finally stop. But love poured in from places I didn't expect, and I couldn't do it to them. Now Christmas is breathing down my neck, and I can't leave that kind of shadow under the tree. So I'm stuck here again, in this half-life where nothing feels real except the ache.

I'm disappointed in myself for still being here. for not having the strength to finish it, and not having the strength to want tomorrow either. I'm just... floating in the in-between... again.

I'm tired of carrying a heart that still beats when it shouldn't. Tired of being the ghost in my own story.
I don't know how much longer I can pretend this is living.
I don't know what I'm looking for today. Just needed to say it out loud somewhere safe.

So yeah… It's me again.

 

[Gangrel]

I'm sorry you're still here, it's okay to be still here, irl and the forum. Both places can be rather pleasent sometimes. You're very strong and resilient to still be here.

 

[Alive42long]

I hope that, for as long as you stay, love keeps pouring so you feel less lonelier in life, be it a short one or not. We care deeply about you even without knowing each other, and we'll always be hoping for the best. :)

 

[Kazu Ha]

Hey Chemi, I'm glad you're still here.
I'm more of a "silent reader" here because of my social anxiety, but I really feel all your posts. I just wanted to say that.

I'm in a similar situation: I actually have everything I need (SN method), but next week is Christmas and I really don't want to do this to my family before Christmas.
But right now, I feel extremely lonely, misunderstood, and have nightmares almost every night that just wear me down.

My new plan would be after Christmas, and I hope I can find the courage then. I don't see any hope for myself anymore.

I wish you all the best. I'm always happy to see a post from you here and will continue to follow them. <3

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Yeah, I kind off feel the same way, hopefully my next attempt will be the last. When I decide it's time, it will undoubtedly be time.

I feel very aloof now, not angry, sad, happy or looking forward to anything, just very very aloof and tired, I want to sleep.

 

[kuroshimi]

Glad that you still around.

I started to have similar thoughts. I've decided to CTB someday, but actually don't want leave behind people around me. Everyone is very worried about me. So I probably not ready yet.

Best wishes.

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

I feel conflicted; on one hand, it made me happy to see your post and know that you're still here, as I've enjoyed your presence on the forum in my brief time here. On the other, I feel a touch of guilt that expressing that happiness may serve as another anchor point keeping you here when you don't want to be. If that's the case then I apologize, and want to say again that you aren't obligated to stay for anyone's sake. This is your choice, difficult as it may be, and how others feel about it is their own business.

 

[Chemi]

@ObsidianWatcher Don't put any guilt or blame on yourself. I was very thankful to see your comments <3

 

[Siamese Believe]

Glad I'm not the only one here who keeps pushing the final day further, I thought I wouldn't be here by now. I know that day will come but it's just a matter of when. I'm closer now than ever.

This is why I don't make specific dates, more so I just try to predict a time range of when I could see myself doing it.

 

[Chemi]

Glad I'm not the only one here who keeps pushing the final day further, I thought I wouldn't be here by now. I know that day will come but it's just a matter of when. I'm closer now than ever.

This is why I don't make specific dates, more so I just try to predict a time range of when I could see myself doing it.

I usually don't set specific dates nowadays either. Did it this time to have a weird bonding moment with a good friend of mine who died last year on the 15th, but well... that didn't work, so I am going back to spontaneous attempts.
Ech... getting closer and closer to the 27 Club. Years just keep passing by, and I'm still here

 

[OnceTheHappiestMan]

I'm glad that you are still around.

I'd say that you are kind of an inspiration for all of us that joined SaSu more or less at the same time, your posts are always very insightful and show a lot of humanity.

 

[Gangrel]

I keep prolonging it too. Like that's gonna ease my suffering. But i am scared of it and scared to leave my family.

 

[Chemi]

I'm glad that you are still around.

I'd say that you are kind of an inspiration for all of us that joined SaSu more or less at the same time, your posts are always very insightful and show a lot of humanity.

That is so incredibly sweet of you. Thank you <3

 

[MicahBell]

Hello, it's me again.

The one who keeps coming back even when I swear I'm done. The one who almost stepped through the exit door two days ago but got pulled back by messages and love and the goddamn calendar saying Christmas is too close now.

I'm still here, still carrying this weight on my chest that never lifts, this quiet scream trapped behind my ribs that no one hears. Every day feels like dragging myself through thick fog, and I'm so fucking tired of pretending I'm still in the race. People message less, conversations fade to gray, and I watch the distance grow like cracks in ice I'm standing on. I don't have the energy to reach out, to prove I'm still worth keeping. So I just... shrink. quieter. smaller. lonelier.

I was so close to letting go a few days ago. Everything was ready, the exit door was right there, and for a moment, the pain felt like it might finally stop. But love poured in from places I didn't expect, and I couldn't do it to them. Now Christmas is breathing down my neck, and I can't leave that kind of shadow under the tree. So I'm stuck here again, in this half-life where nothing feels real except the ache.

I'm disappointed in myself for still being here. for not having the strength to finish it, and not having the strength to want tomorrow either. I'm just... floating in the in-between... again.

I'm tired of carrying a heart that still beats when it shouldn't. Tired of being the ghost in my own story.
I don't know how much longer I can pretend this is living.
I don't know what I'm looking for today. Just needed to say it out loud somewhere safe.

So yeah… It's me again.

I've written heartfelt posts about how I felt in what I thought were my last hours only to chicken out last minute. Then regretted it the very next day. I feel you. Hope all goes well for you