Insomniac Butterfly
Sad
- Mar 24, 2025
- 26
I'm committed to ending things in March. That's the choice I've made. My mom and I have never really known each other, but have been around each other sporadically over our lives. She's not been a mom to me, just more like a cousin you see, and casually be around. We've had really bad times when I was way younger that did traumatize me.
She wants so badly to be in my life, and hangout with me.
Im a neet. Im a hikikomori. I am devoid of life. I have no hobbies. I am going to die, and now I have a plan and date.
That's why I've always stayed away from people. I have nothing to share, or anything good to give, but the pain I see in my Mother's eyes when I'm so disconnected from her, don't feel like hanging out, and don't even know if i have love for her or anyone. It's terrible. I see how much she wishes she could be a good mom, and she genuinely wants to try. Maybe she's genuinely better now. Maybe if i didn't want to give up, I really could have a good relationship with her now that she's trying to not be insane.
But i'm going to die, and in less than 3 months. At this point she can't be enough for me. She can't save me.
I guess i say all this to add a little context to this question, is it more moral to spend time with my mom, and hopefully make good memories together, or at this point, should I keep her out so my death doesn't hurt even more than it will already?
I normally stay away, but she actively seems to think about me, and hurt over not having a relationship with me. That makes me want to make that less for her, even if i can't give it for long. If getting close with her is cruel, and would hurt her more, I don't want that.
I can't tell her im dying, I'll be thrown in the hospital again.
I can't talk to her about this, only make my own decision, and both choices seem shitty.
Dying sucks. Living sucks. I'm tired of thinking and breathing. Everything just sucks.
She wants so badly to be in my life, and hangout with me.
Im a neet. Im a hikikomori. I am devoid of life. I have no hobbies. I am going to die, and now I have a plan and date.
That's why I've always stayed away from people. I have nothing to share, or anything good to give, but the pain I see in my Mother's eyes when I'm so disconnected from her, don't feel like hanging out, and don't even know if i have love for her or anyone. It's terrible. I see how much she wishes she could be a good mom, and she genuinely wants to try. Maybe she's genuinely better now. Maybe if i didn't want to give up, I really could have a good relationship with her now that she's trying to not be insane.
But i'm going to die, and in less than 3 months. At this point she can't be enough for me. She can't save me.
I guess i say all this to add a little context to this question, is it more moral to spend time with my mom, and hopefully make good memories together, or at this point, should I keep her out so my death doesn't hurt even more than it will already?
I normally stay away, but she actively seems to think about me, and hurt over not having a relationship with me. That makes me want to make that less for her, even if i can't give it for long. If getting close with her is cruel, and would hurt her more, I don't want that.
I can't tell her im dying, I'll be thrown in the hospital again.
I can't talk to her about this, only make my own decision, and both choices seem shitty.
Dying sucks. Living sucks. I'm tired of thinking and breathing. Everything just sucks.
