I miss her so much, it's been months and it's still so hard. With her was the first time in my life since I was a kid that I had a will to live outside of not wanting to make the people who cared about me upset. Daydreaming of her got me through the autism sensory hell that was my job. Even if I knew I had to go through hell I was happy to wake up each day cause I knew that every step I took was one step closer to seeing her, her opal eyes and curly hair, her voice the most soothing thing you've ever heard, and she was so warm and soft and right. I'm abusing poppers because it's the only way I can get that warmth when I'm alone.
I feel like even if I manage to find that will to live again I could never trust it, not when I know how fickle it really is, how quickly it can go away. I wish someone would kill me so I don't have to make my family blame themselves. I asked my first love to kill me so many times, it could have been so meaningful and romantic, we could have gone out together, the last thing I get to hear is her sweet nectar, the last thing I see her deep dark eyes so filled with love, instead I'm forced to hear the screeching of my shower head, and so many fluorescent lights, so many shitty pointless sensory pains.
If I wasn't in a situation where someone has legal protection of me and could get in trouble if I killed myself I'd probably already be gone.
I've got therapy today and there's so much I'll be afraid to tell him cause if I say the wrong thing I'll get Baker Acted, I hate lying to him, I hate that I have to
I feel like even if I manage to find that will to live again I could never trust it, not when I know how fickle it really is, how quickly it can go away. I wish someone would kill me so I don't have to make my family blame themselves. I asked my first love to kill me so many times, it could have been so meaningful and romantic, we could have gone out together, the last thing I get to hear is her sweet nectar, the last thing I see her deep dark eyes so filled with love, instead I'm forced to hear the screeching of my shower head, and so many fluorescent lights, so many shitty pointless sensory pains.
If I wasn't in a situation where someone has legal protection of me and could get in trouble if I killed myself I'd probably already be gone.
I've got therapy today and there's so much I'll be afraid to tell him cause if I say the wrong thing I'll get Baker Acted, I hate lying to him, I hate that I have to
