Venting I don't know how long I can do this for

[Wayfaerer]

I'm a full-time student nearing graduation but I very likely won't be attending the ceremony. I had gotten my life back on track early last year, a first ever in my adult life (now aged 26-29), but it was not to last. I began to enjoy life and had greatly improved from grades to structured living but I had realized some months later that my life was already ruined from years ago. I've been trapped within a living nightmare much worse than anything I've had to endure before and I've been running a decade+ gauntlet of despair since it all began at age 14 (although I could make the case that it started earlier). It's now been over a year and I know it will not get better as my problems are tangible in nature and without good solutions. In fact, things have gotten even worse since this had all began and I didn't even think that would've been possible! Still, I have to put on a disguise and pretend that everything is fine to the outside world. My mental health had deteriorated as a result of this catastrophe and I'm not able to function anymore. I abuse phenibut and kratom but tolerance has built up and both have greatly reduced efficacy now. I began self-medication out of desperation because when I quit SSRI's for the last time, I was never going to go back to them no matter what. This time around, "willpower" alone just isn't going to cut it. SSRI's had fucked my life up so much but in a subtle way that had dwelled under my nose for the longest time. Getting off of them really opened my eyes to how much bullshit psychiatry is.

My motivation for still attending school is so that I can get money for going and to keep my parents off of my back, but it's practically impossible to keep up with the schedule. I'm absolutely certain that CTB is in my near-future so it's extremely difficult to stay motivated with such soul-crushing depression knowing that my patience all these years amounted to worse than nothing -- utter disappointment. I regret that I must go through with this but I really have no other option practically speaking. To continue my life would only prolong my senseless misery. On the other hand, there is a lot in life that I had yet to experience and from what little I've already experienced within the past couple of years, I can see how much that I was robbed of. Everyday feels like I'm being pulverized, a feeling that I've long been familiar with but it's extremely intense this time around. Chronic sleep deprivation, drug abuse and major depression over these many, many months have done horrors to my cognitive functioning and my memory loss had accelerated to that of a senile old man. I really want to at least get my degree before I kick it but I don't think that would be possible at this point. I've had the last straw and I don't know how long I'll be able to tolerate it any more. I've already gave up on living and I've just been trying to tolerate my condition, which is difficult enough The daily misery im in is grueling and I've just had enough of this life-long shitfest of pain and humiliation. My life is a tragic comedy.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to hang in there, even for just a few months, the pain is so overwhelming.

 

[Tom9999]

I'm sorry to hear that all this is happening to you. That sucks. And it sounds really tough! Do you have someone you trust that you can talk with about what's going on? And do you have people you can get hugs and other physical comfort and affection from? I hope things change for you very soon, your pain lessens considerably, and the road ahead clears up.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm sorry to hear that all this is happening to you. That sucks. And it sounds really tough! Do you have someone you trust that you can talk with about what's going on? And do you have people you can get hugs and other physical comfort and affection from? I hope things change for you very soon, your pain lessens considerably, and the road ahead clears up.

Thank you,

I've tried talking to two people, both of them family and women, which made it very difficult for me. They don't get me at all. It's so fucking frustrating how clueless and dismissive they are. I'm really alone on this one. The nature of my problems have always been quite unusual so opening up is basically impossible, now more so than ever. I get to these points where I just want to get it over with RIGHT NOW. CTB is the only way things could get "better" at this point. I've just had enough!

 

[Tom9999]

Thank you,

I've tried talking to two people, both of them family and women, which made it very difficult for me. They don't get me at all. It's so fucking frustrating how clueless and dismissive they are. I'm really alone on this one. The nature of my problems have always been quite unusual so opening up is basically impossible, now more so than ever. I get to these points where I just want to get it over with RIGHT NOW. CTB is the only way things could get "better" at this point. I've just had enough!

I understand when you've "just had enough." I've felt that way many times, and it's usually accompanied by a pretty intense rage. Because it fucking sucks rocks! And then encountering cluelessness and dismissiveness when looking for acceptance, support, and understanding - that just makes it all the more worse

That's why I'm glad I searched until I found a therapist who gave me the type of listening and responses I was needing to receive. Finding someone who listened to me in an accepting, validating, and supportive way, and was open to hearing what they could do to be even better at listening to me as I needed to be listened to, that really helped me out.

I hope you can find people who listen to you as you need be listened to.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I understand when you've "just had enough." I've felt that way many times, and it's usually accompanied by a pretty intense rage. Because it fucking sucks rocks! And then encountering cluelessness and dismissiveness when looking for acceptance, support, and understanding - that just makes it all the more worse

That's why I'm glad I searched until I found a therapist who gave me the type of listening and responses I was needing to receive. Finding someone who listened to me in an accepting, validating, and supportive way, and was open to hearing what they could do to be even better at listening to me as I needed to be listened to, that really helped me out.

I hope you can find people who listen to you as you need be listened to.

I've been doing that for the past 5 months and sure it feels good in the moment but I know it isn't going to change anything. I continue with it because I view it as giving a biographical account of my life in full detail before I off myself.

 

[Pistolero114]

I'm a full-time student nearing graduation but I very likely won't be attending the ceremony. I had gotten my life back on track early last year, a first ever in my adult life (now aged 26-29), but it was not to last. I began to enjoy life and had greatly improved from grades to structured living but I had realized some months later that my life was already ruined from years ago. I've been trapped within a living nightmare much worse than anything I've had to endure before and I've been running a decade+ gauntlet of despair since it all began at age 14 (although I could make the case that it started earlier). It's now been over a year and I know it will not get better as my problems are tangible in nature and without good solutions. In fact, things have gotten even worse since this had all began and I didn't even think that would've been possible! Still, I have to put on a disguise and pretend that everything is fine to the outside world. My mental health had deteriorated as a result of this catastrophe and I'm not able to function anymore. I abuse phenibut and kratom but tolerance has built up and both have greatly reduced efficacy now. I began self-medication out of desperation because when I quit SSRI's for the last time, I was never going to go back to them no matter what. This time around, "willpower" alone just isn't going to cut it. SSRI's had fucked my life up so much but in a subtle way that had dwelled under my nose for the longest time. Getting off of them really opened my eyes to how much bullshit psychiatry is.

My motivation for still attending school is so that I can get money for going and to keep my parents off of my back, but it's practically impossible to keep up with the schedule. I'm absolutely certain that CTB is in my near-future so it's extremely difficult to stay motivated with such soul-crushing depression knowing that my patience all these years amounted to worse than nothing -- utter disappointment. I regret that I must go through with this but I really have no other option practically speaking. To continue my life would only prolong my senseless misery. On the other hand, there is a lot in life that I had yet to experience and from what little I've already experienced within the past couple of years, I can see how much that I was robbed of. Everyday feels like I'm being pulverized, a feeling that I've long been familiar with but it's extremely intense this time around. Chronic sleep deprivation, drug abuse and major depression over these many, many months have done horrors to my cognitive functioning and my memory loss had accelerated to that of a senile old man. I really want to at least get my degree before I kick it but I don't think that would be possible at this point. I've had the last straw and I don't know how long I'll be able to tolerate it any more. I've already gave up on living and I've just been trying to tolerate my condition, which is difficult enough The daily misery im in is grueling and I've just had enough of this life-long shitfest of pain and humiliation. My life is a tragic comedy.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to hang in there, even for just a few months, the pain is so overwhelming.

May I ask what your degree program is in? No harm no foul of you prefer not to.

 

[Wayfaerer]

May I ask what your degree program is in? No harm no foul of you prefer not to.

I've been reluctant to give that information out as I've probably revealed too much about myself as it is through prior posts. It's also not a very popular major so it would narrow my profile even more. The smallest class I've ever been in was just 4 people including myself.

No harm in asking, though. I appreciate the question.

 

[Wayfaerer]

To specify how miserable I am now, just from when I became actively suicidal in May, there was not a single day til right now where I had thought "maybe I can make it through this?" There have been no ups at all since then. Even when I have a good buzz going, I still understand that I am really, really fucked. Sure, it's not physically impossible to keep going, but I know that my future is certainly going to be intolerable so why punish myself more than I need to?

It's one thing to have your past robbed from you but your future as well? It is an intensely bitter disappointment that I cannot do justice with words.