I don’t know how I can possibly do this

[chloramine]

I had my first in-person day of university today. Working wasn't working out previously and this would potentially get me a more doable job long term but. There's this self care assignment we need to do for one of my classes which just sent me spiralling. I've been getting by through not feeling or being present or really existing and I thought maybe I could maintain that enough to get through it, but I don't know. I'm so tired of constant breakdowns at night and being alone. I don't know if I have friends anymore. I don't know if it's possible to make new ones because my brain registers everyone as dangerous now and I can't afford to change that because then I'll want people and I can't. Everything is so finely balanced and I know by later today or tomorrow I'll have recalibrated and things will be repressed again, but I just. I don't know. Everything is so screwed and I just want to die and be done. Pretty sure I'm dissociating right now. I want to not be alone so badly. I want my friends back more than anything but even if I did I'd still be too afraid to talk to them at this point. I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm just existing to suffer.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are going through all this. It must be really exhausting and I've always felt like I exist just to suffer. There seems to be no real relief from negative feelings in a life like this. I wish you the best.

 

[Lullaby]

Going to college is really rough, especially when you're struggling with anxiety, depression, etc.

The fact that you were even able to attend today is really awesome, but I also get how you're feeling. Before I dropped out, I would always have to sneak off to have a mini-breakdown somewhere because I was so overwhelmed and I had a really hard time socializing with my classmates. Even when people started warming up to me, I would still overthink everything.

It's a lot easier said than done, but try to deal with each day as it comes.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I hope things get easier for you when you get into the swing of schoolwork.

 

[theboy]

I am sorry you are going through this difficult time in your life. Life is very hard and unfair many times. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[home]

Hey, lmk if im reading this wrong, but it sounds like you still have hope left. Going to university is really stressful, and even worse when youre going alone. Im sorry you have to go through it. That being said, I think you could get more out of posting this on the recovery thread. I see a lot of posts there similar to this one. On this board, people are kind of set on their path already and while we can help, you'd probaly get more practical advice from someone who is on the road to recovery as opposed to hopeful death.

 

[literallydonee]

I had my first in-person day of university today. Working wasn't working out previously and this would potentially get me a more doable job long term but. There's this self care assignment we need to do for one of my classes which just sent me spiralling. I've been getting by through not feeling or being present or really existing and I thought maybe I could maintain that enough to get through it, but I don't know. I'm so tired of constant breakdowns at night and being alone. I don't know if I have friends anymore. I don't know if it's possible to make new ones because my brain registers everyone as dangerous now and I can't afford to change that because then I'll want people and I can't. Everything is so finely balanced and I know by later today or tomorrow I'll have recalibrated and things will be repressed again, but I just. I don't know. Everything is so screwed and I just want to die and be done. Pretty sure I'm dissociating right now. I want to not be alone so badly. I want my friends back more than anything but even if I did I'd still be too afraid to talk to them at this point. I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm just existing to suffer.

I'm so sorry :( I will say, I thought I knew what depression was until I started having chronic pain due to a medical reason. I know your mental health isn't healthy but at least you have your physical health and aren't in pain in that department I hope. I'm not sure if that helps you but I'd do anything to go back to being physically healthy. Stay strong.

 

[Hollowillow]

I had my first in-person day of university today. Working wasn't working out previously and this would potentially get me a more doable job long term but. There's this self care assignment we need to do for one of my classes which just sent me spiralling. I've been getting by through not feeling or being present or really existing and I thought maybe I could maintain that enough to get through it, but I don't know. I'm so tired of constant breakdowns at night and being alone. I don't know if I have friends anymore. I don't know if it's possible to make new ones because my brain registers everyone as dangerous now and I can't afford to change that because then I'll want people and I can't. Everything is so finely balanced and I know by later today or tomorrow I'll have recalibrated and things will be repressed again, but I just. I don't know. Everything is so screwed and I just want to die and be done. Pretty sure I'm dissociating right now. I want to not be alone so badly. I want my friends back more than anything but even if I did I'd still be too afraid to talk to them at this point. I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm just existing to suffer.

I don't know how to write the assignment or make friends... Let me try...

Self care

I'm lonely because I am scared to be hurt. In a sad way, this is self care. I am exhausted emotionally and hurt, so my survival instincts makes me fear trying to reach out, because I am convinced that I can only get more pain, again. So I isolate myself, like an animal licking his wounds, maybe someday I'll be ready. But protecting my life to the point that I stop living it doesn't seem worth living! I long for my friends, but I'm scared that they would reject me if they knew my pain. Perhaps taking the risk to reach out is also self care. It's sad and confusing when two needs are opposed, to gave company I must risk safety, to have safety I must sacrifice company. Why can't I have both. Perhaps the only way is to try and find out... Maybe a friend will care enough to be kind to me even when I'm depressing and vulnerable. Am I ready to find out the hard way? To end up lonely but also lose my hope? I could focus on the most basic vital needs, food and sleep, to help regain strength... Maybe then it'd be easier. But when life is lonely, it doesn't seem worth living, worth carong for... I lost the will to take care of myself... If no one cares then maybe I should just vanish. But maybe no one has the chance to express care because I vanished. I did to prevent harm, but I also stopped them from having the opportunity to show love and heal my broken trust. The big question is: do I miss my friends enough to risk getting hurt reaching out, or would I rather die than be hurt again. But if my life is doomed, then I have nothing to lose... I might as well reach out. The worst that can happen is one more proof that people can't be trusted. Worst case scenario it will kill my hopes and the longing for what doesn't exist... Best case scenario, I will finally blossom out of hell. Perhaps I should try... Perhaps after a meal and good night sleep... Maybe I'll have courage soon. Or maybe I could do just one tiny step today... Reach out to one person, the kindest one, the least likely to make me regret it. I can at least have compassion for myself at this inner conflict... If I have the courage to hope and dream... Not everything is lost... Perhaps all I need is reach out and ask... Perhaps they are waiting for me all along.

Good luck. I probably have a similar problem

 

[Lookingtotalk]

hope you feel better, soon!

 

[chloramine]

Thank you for all the responses. Seriously, just having people hear is worth so much.

Hey, lmk if im reading this wrong, but it sounds like you still have hope left. Going to university is really stressful, and even worse when youre going alone. Im sorry you have to go through it. That being said, I think you could get more out of posting this on the recovery thread. I see a lot of posts there similar to this one. On this board, people are kind of set on their path already and while we can help, you'd probaly get more practical advice from someone who is on the road to recovery as opposed to hopeful death.

I appreciate that. I was posting it under the idea that it makes me want to die and all that stuff and don't want to put that where people might be trying to avoid it. It wasn't really expecting answers so much as I was panicking and needed to vent and have it be not just me alone in some way. I don't know whether I still have hope. A lot of the time it feels more like dying is too hard and I constantly operate on a system of "I need to be able to appear normal tomorrow".

I don't know how to write the assignment or make friends... Let me try...

Self care

I'm lonely because I am scared to be hurt. In a sad way, this is self care. I am exhausted emotionally and hurt, so my survival instincts makes me fear trying to reach out, because I am convinced that I can only get more pain, again. So I isolate myself, like an animal licking his wounds, maybe someday I'll be ready. But protecting my life to the point that I stop living it doesn't seem worth living! I long for my friends, but I'm scared that they would reject me if they knew my pain. Perhaps taking the risk to reach out is also self care. It's sad and confusing when two needs are opposed, to gave company I must risk safety, to have safety I must sacrifice company. Why can't I have both. Perhaps the only way is to try and find out... Maybe a friend will care enough to be kind to me even when I'm depressing and vulnerable. Am I ready to find out the hard way? To end up lonely but also lose my hope? I could focus on the most basic vital needs, food and sleep, to help regain strength... Maybe then it'd be easier. But when life is lonely, it doesn't seem worth living, worth carong for... I lost the will to take care of myself... If no one cares then maybe I should just vanish. But maybe no one has the chance to express care because I vanished. I did to prevent harm, but I also stopped them from having the opportunity to show love and heal my broken trust. The big question is: do I miss my friends enough to risk getting hurt reaching out, or would I rather die than be hurt again. But if my life is doomed, then I have nothing to lose... I might as well reach out. The worst that can happen is one more proof that people can't be trusted. Worst case scenario it will kill my hopes and the longing for what doesn't exist... Best case scenario, I will finally blossom out of hell. Perhaps I should try... Perhaps after a meal and good night sleep... Maybe I'll have courage soon. Or maybe I could do just one tiny step today... Reach out to one person, the kindest one, the least likely to make me regret it. I can at least have compassion for myself at this inner conflict... If I have the courage to hope and dream... Not everything is lost... Perhaps all I need is reach out and ask... Perhaps they are waiting for me all along.

Good luck. I probably have a similar problem

The self care thing sent me spiralling because that's not information I'm comfortable sharing or even delving into and the thought of it kinda. Forced me back into feeling for a bit there. Thank you for the outline. I will probably just lie or focus on non mental health aspects because I am far too screwed up to be honest there. My friends did (do I guess?) know about my stuff, but things happened about 5 months ago and. I'm not sure we'll ever really recover from it or even if they want to. It's a whole complicated story that would be too long for here. It's been worse on days when I want that back and. That's not possible.

I'm so sorry :( I will say, I thought I knew what depression was until I started having chronic pain due to a medical reason. I know your mental health isn't healthy but at least you have your physical health and aren't in pain in that department I hope. I'm not sure if that helps you but I'd do anything to go back to being physically healthy. Stay strong.

I'm very grateful my body is still physically functional yeah. I get migraines, consistent pain from my muscles rarely relaxing and other physical symptoms of depression/cptsd/anxiety, but it doesn't limit my mobility. Things could be worse it's just that I'm struggling to deal with anything as it is.