I don’t know anymore

[SleeplessSoul]

I applied for a PhD and I'm waiting to here back about if I have funding for it. I've been making so much progress in therapy and I thought my life was coming together. I know I have all these good things (therapy, friends, a potential academic) but all I can think about is dying. I should be so happy about it but part of me wants to get rejected by the PhD so I don't have to stay alive for the next few years. I can't talk to my friends about how I feel cause some of them come to me for support themselves and I don't want them to blame themselves if I do something.

I took an overdose in February and chickened out and phoned for an ambulance which was dumb but I think I'm ready now. I don't know why I'm posting this, I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone gets it? I'm 23 and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I've never imagined living much longer than this

 

[_Minsk]

im in a similar position, but i already made up my mind long ago i think, at least this could explain why im 'sabotaging' myself unconsciously.. idk if this makes sense, got a lil bit late at me and i cant sleep....

 

[InTheAirTonight]

Yes 23 here as well. Strongly thinking about doing it this weekend. The past two weeks have been really dark for me. I've had enough

 

[SleeplessSoul]

im in a similar position, but i already made up my mind long ago...

I pretty much made up my mind but I was holding off cause I wanted to do a PhD and it felt so likely that I would get it but now even the wait for the corona virus situation to be over feels too long. I'm just so angry that I let myself be complacent and imagine that it could change.

Yes 23 here as well. Strongly thinking about doing it this weekend. The past two weeks have been really dark for me. I've had enough

I'm so sorry that things have been bad but it's nice knowing someone else is feeling the same way.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey sweetie..I am currently also completing my doctorate n can tell u that school has done wonders in keeping my mind occupied n has even lessened my depression..Honestly, idk where I would b mentally, if I wasn't so weighted down with school work..it's been stressful, but it helps..

Kudos to u for applying for ur PhD! I hope u get in and that it will do the same for u and be that catalyst for u in sticking around for a brighter future

 

[torentrap]

I'm going into mom mode now, but at 23 you are a totally different person then you will be at maybe 30 or 40 . I'm 47 so speaking from experience.
I've felt suicidal at your age as well, took overdoses many times (that just made me sick or did nothing). Yes, I'm here at this forum today but it's more because I worry about possible future "what ifs' worst case scenarios". So I am okay right now, and you can be too one day and by the time you reach my age. I've had many ups and downs, that is normal , you can't experience true happiness without experiencing the depth of sadness :)

Yes 23 here as well. Strongly thinking about doing it this weekend. The past two weeks have been really dark for me. I've had enough

Don't do anything drastic, this shall pass . Tomorrow is a new day and usually things feel different/better by the next day (not always, but often). PM me if you want to chat or need support :)

 

[Walilamdzi]

I'm 23 too. I would wait and see because you've already got a lot going for you - because of my mental health issues I had to drop out of my degree and don't have anything above high school qualifications now. You might enjoy it so wait and give it a chance or give something else a chance if you don't get funding?

 

[SleeplessSoul]

Hey sweetie..I am currently also completing my doctorate n can tell u that school has done wonders in keeping my mind occupied n has even lessened my depression..Honestly, idk where I would b mentally, if I wasn't so weighted down with school work..it's been stressful, but it helps..

Kudos to u for applying for ur PhD! I hope u get in and that it will do the same for u and be that catalyst for u in sticking around for a brighter future

That's what I'm really hoping for! I was incredibly suicidal for my first year of my BA and it was growing in confidence in my work and research and getting close with my lecturers that really got me through the next two years. It's just such a conflicting feeling, I want to get in and all I need is the funding body to say yes but then I just don't want to have to carry on.

I'm going into mom mode now, but at 23 you are a totally different person then you will be at maybe 30 or 40 . I'm 47 so speaking from experience.
I've felt suicidal at your age as well, took overdoses many times (that just made me sick or did nothing). Yes, I'm here at this forum today but it's more because I worry about possible future "what ifs' worst case scenarios". So I am okay right now, and you can be too one day and by the time you reach my age. I've had many ups and downs, that is normal , you can't experience true happiness without experiencing the depth of sadness :)

Don't do anything drastic, this shall pass . Tomorrow is a new day and usually things feel different/better by the next day (not always, but often). PM me if you want to chat or need support :)

I've been suicidal as long as I can remember and I know that I'll have moments of clarity and that I'm in the best place in years (suicidal thoughts aside). I think I'm trying to convince myself to carry on and get better cause I have the best friends that I've had in years and more hope than ever. I just swing between the two feelings constantly. I just hate that at the moment the suicidal part of me is trying to push everyone out so it doesn't hurt them as much. I first came to this forum for the "what ifs" but it's been so helpful to be able to voice my feelings to people it won't scare away.

I'm not going to do anything at the moment anyway. Given the fact that most of my attempts have ended with me phoning an ambulance I don't want to add to the burden on hospitals at the moment!

I'm 23 too. I would wait and see because you've already got a lot going for you - because of my mental health issues I had to drop out of my degree and don't have anything above high school qualifications now. You might enjoy it so wait and give it a chance or give something else a chance if you don't get funding?

I have a MA and I dunno I'm mostly close to getting onto this PhD. I really love my project and if I get to do it it'll be the best thing that's ever happened to me (having a "found" family of friends aside). It's just so hard when everything is all up in the air to have the willpower to push past everything else

 

[Lostandfound7]

Yes, I understand..Well, wait and see if the funding is available, and if it is, give the program a shot..It's worth exploring that option..

 

[itsallover]

I merely finished my bachelors at 26 after originally dropping out my junior year when I was 19 because that's when my extreme anxiety and depression started. You have achieved so much and you clearly have a bright future ahead of you. I am currently 33 and after some good years in social work was about to start my masters but then I got severely sick physically and have been fighting it going on four years now. I look back at the depression and anxiety as a joke now compared to what I'm through currently. Go talk to a professional confidentially. You just have way too much going for you. It saddens me to hear stories like yours and I'm pulling for you.

 

[Spacing Out]

I do know what you mean. I'm 21, so younger, and in my final year of my BA (actually, rn I'm working on my very last essay). I do want to get my MA too, but due to my depression I didn't apply this year which sucks... but we'll see. Theoretically, my life is great - friends who care so so much, a stable job coming out of my English degree, a loving family... for the most part at least, and a wonderful boyfriend. It doesn't make much sense to me why I want to die so bad either. I've also been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It's kind of getting annoying, but here we are.

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I merely finished my bachelors at 26 after originally dropping out my junior year when I was 19 because that's when my extreme anxiety and depression started. You have achieved so much and you clearly have a bright future ahead of you. I am currently 33 and after some good years in social work was about to start my masters but then I got severely sick physically and have been fighting it going on four years now. I look back at the depression and anxiety as a joke now compared to what I'm through currently. Go talk to a professional confidentially. You just have way too much going for you. It saddens me to hear stories like yours and I'm pulling for you.

I've put so much into thinking about this PhD that it feels like my only options are starting it or dying. I have a really good psychologist at the moment. I've spoken to her in the past about being suicidal but I didn't really have a choice then because the A&E I went to rang the therapy team. I'm just worried abut telling her anything cause I don't want to have the crisis team on my back again and I'm not really in a crisis? I'm not going to do anything until coronavirus is over (I have underlying conditions and am stuck at home 24/7 at the moment) and by the time I'm able to do it I won't want them stopping me. I have BPD and most of the crisis team are biased against it.

I do know what you mean. I'm 21, so younger, and in my final year of my BA (actually, rn I'm working on my very last essay). I do want to get my MA too, but due to my depression I didn't apply this year which sucks... but we'll see. Theoretically, my life is great - friends who care so so much, a stable job coming out of my English degree, a loving family... for the most part at least, and a wonderful boyfriend. It doesn't make much sense to me why I want to die so bad either. I've also been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It's kind of getting annoying, but here we are.

Good luck with your essay! I actually did a BA/MA in literature. I regret not taking a year about between my BA and MA because it was so much stress and I ended up feeling worse so it might be for the best especially if you have a job. I've just got to the stage where I hate my friends for even liking me and being there because I'm just going to fail them in the end. Feel free to PM if you want, it's nice having someone similar in age who understands.

 

[torentrap]

I do know what you mean. I'm 21, so younger, and in my final year of my BA (actually, rn I'm working on my very last essay). I do want to get my MA too, but due to my depression I didn't apply this year which sucks... but we'll see. Theoretically, my life is great - friends who care so so much, a stable job coming out of my English degree, a loving family... for the most part at least, and a wonderful boyfriend. It doesn't make much sense to me why I want to die so bad either. I've also been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It's kind of getting annoying, but here we are.

Depression ?

 

[SleeplessSoul]

Update: I got the PhD funding and I've accepted it so I'm going to be starting a PhD in October (eeeek). I've posted in recovery about this but I thought I should follow up on here. I'm excited about the PhD but I'm still really conflicted. I've been planning to ctb for a while and I guess it's just hard to turn off those thoughts? I'm going to try and live for the degree and work out the rest somewhere on the way.

 

[MotherOfCats]

Update: I got the PhD funding and I've accepted it so I'm going to be starting a PhD in October (eeeek). I've posted in recovery about this but I thought I should follow up on here. I'm excited about the PhD but I'm still really conflicted. I've been planning to ctb for a while and I guess it's just hard to turn off those thoughts? I'm going to try and live for the degree and work out the rest somewhere on the way.

That's great news, thanks for letting us know. What's your area of study?

 

[bpdandme]

Update: I got the PhD funding and I've accepted it so I'm going to be starting a PhD in October (eeeek). I've posted in recovery about this but I thought I should follow up on here. I'm excited about the PhD but I'm still really conflicted. I've been planning to ctb for a while and I guess it's just hard to turn off those thoughts? I'm going to try and live for the degree and work out the rest somewhere on the way.

That's incredible, congrats that's massive! Fingers crossed for you and it all goes to plan and it's everything you imagined it to be. Of course it's hard to turn off suicidal thoughts but hopefully this will give you some distraction and give you some purpose. Don't feel guilty that you have made such an achievement while struggling, if anything that makes it even more commendable that you've got this far in academia while battling with suicidal thoughts. I don't know you but I'm really proud of you and I hope this is the light at the end of the tunnel. Congrats again!

 

[BrokenConk3r]

23 ganggg