I don't have to rush CTB

[jakerjays]

Consciously, I feel incredibly rushed. Every time I've failed, I've felt the need to find the next soonest date and start planning, and I think this is at the core of my consistent failure. I don't allow myself enough time to recover from the previous attempt before trying again in this rocky, unsure mindset, when what I should be doing is spending time making peace with my choice, cleaning my room and office, and finalising my notes. Simple things.

I need to let myself understand that CTB as soon as possible doesn't have to be my priority, because I'm lucky enough to be in a situation where I have no real deadline. I'm allowed to wait, I'm allowed to want to live another day or to want to do certain things before I let myself die. I know I'll kill myself, so what's the rush? I'd like to CTB before my second year of uni, but so what if I don't?

I was wondering if anybody else felt or feels this way? Like you have to self-enforce a deadline for your own suicide rather than allowing yourself time to think, accept and adjust.

I think, for me, wanting and having a plan to CTB gives me this sense of control, and I feel as if, if I don't end things as soon as possible, then I'll keep clinging onto this unhealthy illusion of control, and this will never end. I think part of me probably thinks things will get better, which makes me nervous and want to end things sooner.
I also have bipolar disorder, which means that pretty much every moment of stability is followed by an awful crash, and I guess I'm constantly trying to avoid the next crash.

 

[naookoo128]

Ooooh yes, I can relate. More with the "fuck I need to rush it now"-side of things. But I´d love to delevop your way of thinking about it. Seriously, this sounds really good, I´m happy for you. No matter what we want - truthfully being able to end it, or gaining some hope for a step back into life - slowing things down and clearing the mind first is definitly the better (or only) way. It is kinda paradox but I´m feeling the same, being anxious about feeling better cause I´m afraid that it will just be good enough to not letting me go, but not enough to really getting my shit together or even regaining some kind of "reason" to live. Soon I´ll have everything I need, but most of the days I don´t feel ready, and I´m trying to hide that knowledge from myself, lol. My mind gets nervous, cause soon there´s nothing left on my to-do-List!

 

[jakerjays]

Ooooh yes, I can relate. More with the "fuck I need to rush it now"-side of things. But I´d love to delevop your way of thinking about it. Seriously, this sounds really good, I´m happy for you. No matter what we want - truthfully being able to end it, or gaining some hope for a step back into life - slowing things down and clearing the mind first is definitly the better (or only) way. It is kinda paradox but I´m feeling the same, being anxious about feeling better cause I´m afraid that it will just be good enough to not letting me go, but not enough to really getting my shit together or even regaining some kind of "reason". Soon I´ll have everything I need, but most of the days I don´t feel ready, and I´m trying to hide that knowledge from myself, lol. My mind gets nervous, cause soon there´s nothing left on my to-do-List!

I'm glad someone else relates! I genuinely appreciate your response.
I thought I was ready during my second attempt, but failing that time has honestly just shaken me a little, so I definitely need some time just to slow everything down, like you said.
What sort of things are on your to-do list? If you don't mind me asking.

 

[naookoo128]

Oh there are many things, I try to keep track in my thread, hope you dont mind if I just drop it instead of rephrasing it
But there´s also some venting inbetween.

it becomes more realistic - ctb with sn

hey SaSu community, i am kinda new to this place and wanted to share my plan to ctb and other thoughts on death and so on, youre very welcome to share your opinions with me. i am thinking a lot about death and suicide since i was 10 years old, now im 30, living in germany (english is not my main...

sanctioned-suicide.net

(Btw, I´m having a huge korean eternal sunshine of the spotless mind movie-poster in my kitchen )

 

[jakerjays]

Oh there are many things, I try to keep track in my thread, hope you dont mind if I just drop it instead of rephrasing it
But there´s also some venting inbetween.

it becomes more realistic - ctb with sn

hey SaSu community, i am kinda new to this place and wanted to share my plan to ctb and other thoughts on death and so on, youre very welcome to share your opinions with me. i am thinking a lot about death and suicide since i was 10 years old, now im 30, living in germany (english is not my main...

sanctioned-suicide.net

(Btw, I´m having a huge korean eternal sunshine of the spotless mind movie-poster in my kitchen )

Totally fine! I'll absolutely give it a read.

I love eternal sunshine. My mum tried for ages to get me to watch it until I caved about two years ago, it's been a favourite ever since, especially as someone with bipolar disorder