Venting I don’t have to do this (live)

[cowbain]

So why the hell do I keep trying? This (life) is a sick game that I wanted no part in! Why can't I just kill myself then?

This is the worst feeling. I'm not currently dead set on dying but I don't want to live either. I am stuck.

 

[signifying nothing]

Have you considered ending parts of your life rather than the whole thing? I mean like getting out of some of the situations, relationships, etc that are making you feel this bad. Stop doing the things you don't want to do anymore. This has helped me to get over some of my suicidal feelings.

 

[Spitfire]

I agree, there should be no need to do this at all.

 

[cowbain]

Have you considered ending parts of your life rather than the whole thing? I mean like getting out of some of the situations, relationships, etc that are making you feel this bad. Stop doing the things you don't want to do anymore. This has helped me to get over some of my suicidal feelings.

When It's trauma it's like would it even be worth it? You can try as hard as you can and over and over again and it amounts to nothing. I've grown but life hasn't. I'm just fucking over this dumb hellish repetition of reality.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I feel the same way.

 

[jokesonme22]

That's how I've felt for years. I don't want to live but I don't need to die(yet) and I feel like I really don't do either. I'm just stuck in the middle somewhere

 

[NodusTollens]

When It's trauma it's like would it even be worth it? You can try as hard as you can and over and over again and it amounts to nothing. I've grown but life hasn't. I'm just fucking over this dumb hellish repetition of reality.

I can agree with you, addressing childhood trauma was one of the hardest therapies I attempted. It makes trying to "get better," (however that may have looked for you) feel fruitless.

I would leave each session on the verge of existential dread & dissociate, then find myself asking, is it worth it to unearth the skeletons of my past? Is there a purpose to reliving these traumas?

Especially since it often resulted in frantic attempts to prevent suffocating beneath the weight of the trauma; culminating in intrusive thoughts/impulsive attempts at SH.

 

[suicidaltoad]

if you're able to, you could work towards moving far away to start fresh. that's what i've been thinking about

 

[signifying nothing]

When It's trauma it's like would it even be worth it? You can try as hard as you can and over and over again and it amounts to nothing. I've grown but life hasn't. I'm just fucking over this dumb hellish repetition of reality.

Your trauma will continue to shake the foundations of your life however much you try to ignore or get away from it. That is why you feel stuck - because the trauma is trying to get you to do something about it, face what you need to face in order for you to change and move on.

I hope you can try to find some way to deal with what you're going through, find support here and elsewhere. If it helps, I have been through a lot of therapy for my own traumatic experiences and, although things can still be difficult, I feel a lot better than I used to.

 

[jokesonme22]

Have you considered ending parts of your life rather than the whole thing? I mean like getting out of some of the situations, relationships, etc that are making you feel this bad. Stop doing the things you don't want to do anymore. This has helped me to get over some of my suicidal feelings.

This is a good point. I'm stuck in situations atm, and I think it would be help a lot to be free of them.

 

[Good4Nothing]

if you're able to, you could work towards moving far away to start fresh. that's what i've been thinking about

No matter where you go, there you are.

 

[cowbain]

I can agree with you, addressing childhood trauma was one of the hardest therapies I attempted. It makes trying to "get better," (however that may have looked for you) feel fruitless.

I would leave each session on the verge of existential dread & dissociate, then find myself asking, is it worth it to unearth the skeletons of my past? Is there a purpose to reliving these traumas?

Especially since it often resulted in frantic attempts to prevent suffocating beneath the weight of the trauma; culminating in intrusive thoughts/impulsive attempts at SH.

Oh when I said that I wasn't referring to trying to get better being fruitless. I was talking about life. I do think everyone should drain out their options and try everything possible to fix what's causing those feelings before taking 'the big step'. Especially if the suicidal thoughts stem from trauma.

Your trauma will continue to shake the foundations of your life however much you try to ignore or get away from it. That is why you feel stuck - because the trauma is trying to get you to do something about it, face what you need to face in order for you to change and move on.

I hope you can try to find some way to deal with what you're going through, find support here and elsewhere. If it helps, I have been through a lot of therapy for my own traumatic experiences and, although things can still be difficult, I feel a lot better than I used to.

I don't ignore it or run away from it. I've been doing therapy since I was 14, taking medication, and also doing a bunch of other things. This is where my frustration comes from. The fact that I do try and that I actually want to be better but I'm still stuck. No help. Sometimes it's bad enough to where it's no solution really. Most people don't kill themselves because they just simply want to, most didn't have a choice. I guess the more I'm alive the more I realize I'm probably in one of those situations. Now to stop the dormancy and actually kms, ...but I won't do it. And trauma isn't a quick fix either, depending on the trauma and the extent of it you could be in treatment for a decade or sometimes the rest of your life.

 

[NodusTollens]

Oh when I said that I wasn't referring to trying to get better being fruitless. I was talking about life. I do think everyone should drain out their options and try everything possible to fix what's causing those feelings before taking 'the big step'. Especially if the suicidal thoughts stem from trauma.

I don't ignore it or run away from it. I've been doing therapy since I was 14, taking medication, and also doing a bunch of other things. This is where my frustration comes from. The fact that I do try and that I actually want to be better but I'm still stuck. No help. Sometimes it's bad enough to where it's no solution really. Most people don't kill themselves because they just simply want to, most didn't have a choice. I guess the more I'm alive the more I realize I'm probably in one of those situations. Now to stop the dormancy and actually kms, ...but I won't do it. And trauma isn't a quick fix either, depending on the trauma and the extent of it you could be in treatment for a decade or sometimes the rest of your life.

That's fair, I suppose I misinterpreted your point of view.

Though I was referring to being re-traumatized by trauma therapy. Having to relive the trauma in order to get through the trauma made recovery feel like an empty endeavour. I didn't feel I was getting better, but I was certainly being re-traumatized having to relive the events & discuss them.