* This is a messy rant, all over the place.
As bad as it is, my life could be fixed. But it'd take several years of pain, grinding, pain, failures and more pain. I don't have the courage to face that. If I did, I wouldn't be in the position I am in today.
Everything is broken. I'm in debt, unemployed, I don't speak to my family, I have no friends, non-existent love life and my body is broken in a multitude of ways.
I somehow managed to screw up every single important area of my life. Usually people just lack in 1 or 2 areas and with a bit of help they can fix it. But I lack everything. I'd have to build everything up from zero, from negative even. I don't think I have the strength to do that anymore. 20 minutes of nausea sounds way easier to manage (SN, which I have). But surprise, surprise, I don't have the courage to do that either.
Still, I don't want to die. I want to have a fucking normal life. But it feels like I would need a miracle to be able to crawl out of this hole I dug myself into. Alas, the universe doesn't give a fuck about a random, puny and insignificant human like myself. I tried calling but it didn't answer...
I find myself trapped. Unable to live and unable to die. I don't have the courage to live and I don't have the courage to kill myself. So all I do is sit here, feeling the pain of this miserable existence. If I do nothing, there is pain; if I try to fix it, there is pain; if I try to end it, there is pain. Everything I do causes pain. Fuck me.
But happiness does exist. It is possible. Just not for me, apparently. Sometimes, when I look at people who have it all together, it makes me happy. It shows me that there is more to life than only misery. Maybe it's just bad luck that I was born on this side of the line. Sometimes I think that if I learned to live vicariously through these people then maybe I'd be able to bear the pain and stick around for long. But I'm not that wise.
So what the fuck do I do now? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. "It hurts too much; I want to kill myself. But I can't die without doing this! But I don't have the courage to go get it. Then maybe I don't truly want it." Maybe I already lost it and didn't notice it. Maybe that's why everything's so fucked up.
I keep trying to find ways to let go of everything. I make up fancy theories of how I'll get another chance when this run is over. At the same time, I keep fantasizing about the life I wish I'd had which ends up making me even more attached to the human experience. I'll never be able to let go if I keep doing this. But if I don't have them in my imagination, I will never have them EVER. And that hurts too goddamn much and I can't accept it!
But all the logic points towards nothingness after death. It's just like before I was born. Nothing. But back then I didn't know of anything so I couldn't possibly want anything. Now it's different. Still, I understand that I only want it because I'm alive. Once I'm dead I will not want anymore. But if I don't get it in here, it will haunt me until my last breath.
I hate my parents so much for putting me here. Particularly my father, who made me but didn't own up to his mistake and left it all to my mother, who, in her detestable ignorance, screwed me up real bad. The worst part is that her stupidity is not even her fault. She got it from her parents, who got it from theirs, and on and on. And I was unfortunate enough to be born in this sick family. I say "hate" but I don't think I hate them. But I am unmeasurably livid at them. How could they? Do they not think? Do they not have brains? Why wasn't I born in a family of intellectuals, of scholars? Instead, I was born in a nest of ignorant religious nuts who ruined me. Bad luck.
Is it all just bad luck? Is everything in the universe just random and I got the shorter end of the stick? So I came here just to feel pain for a few decades, knowing that there is more (but not for me, no, no) and then die? Who the fuck designed this twisted shit? They deserve to be punched in the face and be thrown in here stripped of all their powers. Fuck this.
Anyways. It's 4 am and I'm getting sleepy. Wish I'd never wake up but it's never that easy, is it? Man, sorry if I kept you. My posts are usually better than this but today I feel particularly confused. The more I live the less I seem to know...
Bye now
As bad as it is, my life could be fixed. But it'd take several years of pain, grinding, pain, failures and more pain. I don't have the courage to face that. If I did, I wouldn't be in the position I am in today.
Everything is broken. I'm in debt, unemployed, I don't speak to my family, I have no friends, non-existent love life and my body is broken in a multitude of ways.
I somehow managed to screw up every single important area of my life. Usually people just lack in 1 or 2 areas and with a bit of help they can fix it. But I lack everything. I'd have to build everything up from zero, from negative even. I don't think I have the strength to do that anymore. 20 minutes of nausea sounds way easier to manage (SN, which I have). But surprise, surprise, I don't have the courage to do that either.
Still, I don't want to die. I want to have a fucking normal life. But it feels like I would need a miracle to be able to crawl out of this hole I dug myself into. Alas, the universe doesn't give a fuck about a random, puny and insignificant human like myself. I tried calling but it didn't answer...
I find myself trapped. Unable to live and unable to die. I don't have the courage to live and I don't have the courage to kill myself. So all I do is sit here, feeling the pain of this miserable existence. If I do nothing, there is pain; if I try to fix it, there is pain; if I try to end it, there is pain. Everything I do causes pain. Fuck me.
But happiness does exist. It is possible. Just not for me, apparently. Sometimes, when I look at people who have it all together, it makes me happy. It shows me that there is more to life than only misery. Maybe it's just bad luck that I was born on this side of the line. Sometimes I think that if I learned to live vicariously through these people then maybe I'd be able to bear the pain and stick around for long. But I'm not that wise.
So what the fuck do I do now? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. "It hurts too much; I want to kill myself. But I can't die without doing this! But I don't have the courage to go get it. Then maybe I don't truly want it." Maybe I already lost it and didn't notice it. Maybe that's why everything's so fucked up.
I keep trying to find ways to let go of everything. I make up fancy theories of how I'll get another chance when this run is over. At the same time, I keep fantasizing about the life I wish I'd had which ends up making me even more attached to the human experience. I'll never be able to let go if I keep doing this. But if I don't have them in my imagination, I will never have them EVER. And that hurts too goddamn much and I can't accept it!
But all the logic points towards nothingness after death. It's just like before I was born. Nothing. But back then I didn't know of anything so I couldn't possibly want anything. Now it's different. Still, I understand that I only want it because I'm alive. Once I'm dead I will not want anymore. But if I don't get it in here, it will haunt me until my last breath.
I hate my parents so much for putting me here. Particularly my father, who made me but didn't own up to his mistake and left it all to my mother, who, in her detestable ignorance, screwed me up real bad. The worst part is that her stupidity is not even her fault. She got it from her parents, who got it from theirs, and on and on. And I was unfortunate enough to be born in this sick family. I say "hate" but I don't think I hate them. But I am unmeasurably livid at them. How could they? Do they not think? Do they not have brains? Why wasn't I born in a family of intellectuals, of scholars? Instead, I was born in a nest of ignorant religious nuts who ruined me. Bad luck.
Is it all just bad luck? Is everything in the universe just random and I got the shorter end of the stick? So I came here just to feel pain for a few decades, knowing that there is more (but not for me, no, no) and then die? Who the fuck designed this twisted shit? They deserve to be punched in the face and be thrown in here stripped of all their powers. Fuck this.
Anyways. It's 4 am and I'm getting sleepy. Wish I'd never wake up but it's never that easy, is it? Man, sorry if I kept you. My posts are usually better than this but today I feel particularly confused. The more I live the less I seem to know...
Bye now
