Venting I don't have the balls

[gayboy300]

I'm so tired of being alone. I ate earlier and took a long nap so I could begin my SN fast without thinking about it. I woke up and opened my kit, played with my pill crusher, toyed with the SN, and stared at the pills but I just couldn't do it. Part of me really really thought tonight might've been the night. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely exhausted and I felt drained all day. After my nap I was seriously contemplating, but I just couldn't follow through. I'm not entirely sure why, but part of me thinks it was because deep down I know it was at least a little impulsive. To address the impulsivity, I picked a date a few months out (my birthday ) where I'll reevaluate my life and if I'm still not satisfied, I'll end things.

I'll try my best to better myself, to make friends, to learn to love myself and my body over the next two-ish months, but if things don't get better (they never do), no one will hear from me again. I honestly don't know if I can even make it another two months. I've spent the last several weeks wondering if I'll see the end of 2026 and I genuinely thought I might not see tomorrow a few hours ago :/


sigh

 

[hell toupee]

I admire and respect your introspective approach to this.

Ctb should always be the absolute last resort. Give yourself a shot to turn things around - you might surprise yourself.

But don't expect everything to change all at once. Take the small victories, baby steps, and they start to snowball. It does take effort though - absolutely nothing changes without effort. It can certainly be hard to get the ball rolling, but just the fact that you are entertaining the idea to give life a shot is the first step, and you are already there. Give yourself credit for that.

I know motivation can be difficult, but it will get easier little by little. You got this.