Venting I dont have any reason to be depressed

[GreenGlassDoor]

I have no idea why I'm suicidal or deppressed. From the outside i have a picture perfect life. I have good grades, am active in my community, I do voulenteer work, and have a large group of friends who complement me often. I've never been bullied or harrassed. I have two loving parents who have clearly expressed their love and concern for me, and do so often. I have three warm meals a day, and a safe secure place to call home. My family never had to worry about money growing up, and has never moved around. My extended family is generally nice, as is the community I've lived in. It seems like a have a pretty perfect life, dosent it?

From the outside my life is all sunshine and roses. I never talk about my mental health, and certainly not honestly when possible, I talk with friends and connect with otheres whenever I can, I try my best to dress nicely and put-together every day, I engadge and ask questions in class, I keep my space clean and organized, and generally keep myself together.

But under the surface... I suppose it's a bit clearer. I saw my first therapist at around 10 years old. I started self harming and the begginings of suicidal ideation at 12 and my first attempt happend shortly after my 13th birthday. I've tried to fix both; been in and out of therapy, and relapsed multiple times. I've lightly abused drugs and had a sh addiction. I've done journaling and yoga and whatever the fuck. I've tried it all but it dosent work.

But there are times I fall into my own delusions. Why would I be deppressed -to the point of even being on this forum- when I have so much good in my life. What went wrong? Any "trauma" in my life occored after my first attempt, so it wouldnt be a catalyst. I'm was and am not neglected in any way, by family or friends. I have such a good life.

But if thats true then why am i like this? Why am I constatly tierd, emotionally and physically. Like the life is slowly being drained out of me until I snap and actually CTB. If I'm so lucky then why do I fall asleep dreaming of death more nights than not, and have scars up and down my legs.

I dont get it. What went wrong? Is it biological? My mother was deppressed for a period in her life, and my sibling is deppressed to. But neither of them (to the best of my knowledge/sleuthing) have attempted CTB or self harmed.

So if it's not my environment or biological then whats left? Did I seriously bully myself into suicide? I'm my own biggest critic for sure, but am I the root of all my problems? That only makes it worse, only makes me hate myself more. Maybe the only release is truly death, if the reason I constantly want to CTB will be with me my whole life then the only way to silence the voices telling me to die is to silence all the voices, forever.

Anyways, thanks for reading my rant♡
Does anyone else feel like they dont "deserve" to be deppressed?

 

[deciduous]

I know it probably comes up a lot anyways here... but... Camus said it:

"Beginning to think is beginning to be undermined. Society has but little connection with such beginnings. The worm is in [one]'s heart"

If you wanna restrict your attention to the words of people who have won Nobel Prizes stop here.

The externally visible things like academic/professional success, healthy social life, hobbies and basically anything people decide to talk about when you ask them casually "what've you been up to" are red herrings. Being able to think means being able to think about much more fundamental questions than everyday "normal"/"social"/"healthy" life consists of. It means we end up thinking about what it means to be a good human being and to the extent we do figure it out, whether we are one. We're not. Human beings are superhuman (contradiction embraced) and I really believe that each one of us has the "potential" to be as genius as an Einstein/Feynman/Turing type, as loving as the best parents out there, and as beautiful as whatever artist pops into your head when you think about the way you love art. We spend most of our time failing at that, and are blessed (I don't "believe in god" but still mean something when I say that) to have the few moments we seem to of accomplishment and value and productivity and pride. I'll let the pro-life/optimists get their say here, and say that that's supposed to be enough. I don't know if they're right or not or what "enough" even means - it's so fucking personal* - but that's the point. You're not supposed to be told to live life, you're supposed to decide to live life. And if you don't contemplate the possibility of not living as thoroughly as we spend every day contemplating the possibility of living, then you shirk the first and most fundamental task actually put on you as a human being. You don't need an excuse/reason to want to die, and you DEFINITELY don't need one just to talk about it and think about it. This is the french algerian talking again, but frankly, I personally believe it is deeply unhealthy and wasteful NOT to personally go through the process of deciding to continue living. Socially, it should play a similar role to having children: it'll always be socially expected and normal in some sense for us to raise kids; but it's also understood it's not for everyone.

*I was talking to a friend recently about SH/CTB, and despite being supportive she *really* didn't get it until I asked her what would be "enough" for her to lose her will to live. She recently lost her sister, and still wants to live, but confessed that if the rest of her family (2 remaining other siblings and a mom) left too, she thinks that would do it. She NEVER talked about CTB with the same flippantly optimistic dismissal after that. It's like asking straight cis guys the "how much $$$ would it take for you to suck a dick" question. Everyone has a price. Everyone knows what they can't lose.

To turn back to you personally, GreenGlassDoor, give yourself a break on this. There may be parts of you that are perverted/fucked up but this is not one of them. Depression is NOT a function of how nicely your life is going. Comforts, ease and happiness help, but they can also be stifling and dissociating. In the end, the state of your internal world will always matter to you much more deeply than the state of your external world. Dressing cute, seeing friends, yoga, exercise, etc are all super fun things that 1) I personally value so much and 2) am so proud of you in particular for accomplishing. We're all fucked up in some way but we're also all so astoundingly perfect and so many big and little things. Sometimes the point of other people is just to observe that for us and help us smile about it. But, to paraphrase a time-travelling inspiration of mine only slightly below Camus), life's a big pile of good things and a big pile of bad things and the best and worst part of it is that they don't cancel out. You can feel like you are living a good life AND feel like you're profoundly fucking up and need to do something extreme like CTB to match your actions to what you deserve. That's not a contradiction it's just who we are. If you do die, that contradiction will help you too. You sound like you're loved, so if you die, especially by your own hand, people will cry and curse and scream. For a while that might be all they'll do because people's perspective is as fucked up as those curvy mirrors. But once they go back to regular human lives full of work and each other, they'll just be left staring at your big pile of good things and your big pile of bad things. And they won't cancel out in either direction. Every time you did something special or fun with friends and family, you ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING and added to the good pile. That was worth it.

Just like the enemies of this forum, I love life. I think your life really could be an amazing thing GreenGlassDoor, and I'm pretty convinced it already has been in many ways. But no matter how amazing it is it will always remain you decision to end it. We know that, for example, sex being amazing isn't a good enough reason to shame our partner if they decide they want to stop partway through. Sometimes we just decide that we don't want to do something, and if it's important and personal we don't have to share our reasons for that, and we don't even have to come up with words for them or figure them out if we don't want to. You sound amazing and you sound fucked up, your life sounds fulfilling and it sounds empty, and I think it's dehumanizing and wrong for anyone to make you think you don't get to see both of those sides and make an informed decision about whether to live. I love life and I love your life and I want human beings to get the chance to live every day they can because both as a species and as every individual we have done SO MUCH with those days that I want to keep happening. But stopping there is a lie by omission. Life is painful and uncomfortable and cold too. Be lucid and see both sides. But do not turn off your brain the way we're encouraged to when it comes time to decide if you want to live. Both decisions are right.

I am proud of the agony you are putting yourself through to make the decision. I wish you didn't have to feel it, but frankly, it sounds like you do. Having your inner whatever (subconscious? soul?) reach out to you and tell you that it's not ok and it might not want to be here, and choosing to suppress and patronize that innermost part of you would be horrible. You've found pain inside but you needed to. It is much more of a waste of life to have an abusive relationship with your soul than it is to CTB.

I hope you can live, GreenGlassDoor, but if you decide to die I understand. Whether you're here or not over the coming years, it comforts me to know that you've really questioned and sounded out your own depths. If I had to tell you what I thought it meant to do a good job of being a human being, I think I'd start with that. Sending love.

 

[hellispink]

Not everything is as it seems. You are a spiritual being. You are have been awakened. We spiritual beings have a higher senses, we do not belong here and we know it. We feel everytjing and we uncomfortable with this world regardless of what circumstances we have (good or bad). Because we dont belong here. Our souls , our instinct just tell us we dont belong here. Dont try understanding everything . You do not need a reason, its your soul its your spiritual self that needs to leave that physical body. Once you in that realization all you want is to be free from that body and thats it.