Venting I don't have a single soul

[BeautifulMosaics]

My mother tears me down and verbally abuses me and lies about me to the family who all believe her meanwhile I don't have a soul. No boyfriend to whisk me away like my sister or even friends - I don't usually have a problem with that... I'm very used to it, but who hears my side of the story? Who do I turn to? It's just another thing that wears me down. I've had enough of fighting all on my own while my family demonises me. I'm thinking of just going into the downstairs bathroom and taking the SN now but I have nothing else and why should I suffer and have it taken away from me when I probably get discovered? I'm sick of it.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

You can turn to us if you'd like an outside perspective or a vent. :)

 

[heru3]

Abusive manipulative parents are the worst.
Well, if you want someone to talk with, contact me by email.

 

[Brokensaddle]

My mother tears me down and verbally abuses me and lies about me to the family who all believe her meanwhile I don't have a soul. No boyfriend to whisk me away like my sister or even friends - I don't usually have a problem with that... I'm very used to it, but who hears my side of the story? Who do I turn to? It's just another thing that wears me down. I've had enough of fighting all on my own while my family demonises me.

Sometimes you have live for yourself. Do the things you like. Also screw your mum, don't give in. I feel the same as you and one thing my friend told to me to was live on just to annoy them just by continuing to exist. I'm always here to listen pm me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to deal with people like that. People can be so cruel. I understand that feeling like you have nobody to talk to can be alienating and I get it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering. However you have this place where people will read your posts. I wish you well.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Thank you, it's just that it's so minor yet she's managed to tear through the house like a tornado in her explosive verbal abuse and anger I can't even see the point. Now the lies have evolved to things I've never even said. Things we never even discussed.

This is not minor. It sounds as though she's raised you to minimise wrongdoings against you because only her anger is allowed to exist and you're there to smooth things over to your own detriment.

You mentioned that she lies about you. Is she diagnosed with any personality disorders? I realise this is armchair psychology on my part but she sounds like a Cluster B.

 

[heru3]

How old are you? Is it possible for you to live independently?

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

This is not minor. It sounds as though she's raised you to minimise wrongdoings against you because only her anger is allowed to exist and you're there to smooth things over to your own detriment.

You mentioned that she lies about you. Is she diagnosed with any personality disorders? I realise this is armchair psychology on my part but she sounds like a Cluster B.

Yeah, she hasn't been. I'd say her lies strech and exaggerate the truth and she clings to them no matter what reality states. At first when I read your first paragraph it didn't seem to fit but when I thought for a moment I realised that is my role as the family scapegoat! That is a perfect description of a chunk of my family history, just switch mother with mother + sister + brother...

How old are you? Is it possible for you to live independently?

I'm old enough but I think I'm at the stage where it's over. It's not bad apart from when she gets into her explosive, catastrophizing states which are rare nowadays. I have less than a year before the house is sold anyway x

 

[heru3]

I'm old enough but I think I'm at the stage where it's over. It's not bad apart from when she gets into her explosive, catastrophizing states which are rare nowadays. I have less than a year before the house is sold anyway x

Then why don't you just move away already? Instead of thinking about killing yourself.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Yeah, she hasn't been. I'd say her lies strech and exaggerate the truth and she clings to them no matter what reality states. At first when I read your first paragraph it didn't seem to fit but when I thought for a moment I realised that is my role as the family scapegoat! That is a perfect description of a chunk of my family history, just switch mother with mother + sister + brother...

The 'good' news here is that you can work on undoing some of the damage.

It's going to be hard, don't get me wrong, but you're essentially going to have to start loving yourself properly, which you haven't been taught to do. This means developing boundaries, identifying when a person is crossing those boundaries and introducing consequence when they do. That means controlled responses. Simply say, "don't speak to me like that" and if they continue to do so, walk away. Just physically remove yourself.

That works with most people. Most will change their ways when they no longer get a response. IF you are dealing with NPD (which came to mind when you mentioned lies and exaggerations), the plan is more or less the same but you'll have to be a bit more cautious. These are the people who, when they can't control you anymore, will attempt to control peoples perceptions of you. Look up DARVO and see if you relate to any of it.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Then why don't you just move away already? Instead of thinking about killing yourself.

Oh it's not my family that makes me want to ctb. I should be able to live for myself and my dreams but I have apathy/functional issues and much more. They can be the final straw but I should be able to live for myself if I wanted to, but I've come to the realisation that I don't have it in me.

 

[heru3]

Oh it's not my family that makes me want to ctb. I should be able to live for myself and my dreams but I have apathy/functional issues and much more. They can be the final straw but I should be able to live for myself if I wanted to, but I've come to the realisation that I don't have it in me.

Perhaps moving away from your toxic family can help you begin finding your own path in life.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

The 'good' news here is that you can work on undoing some of the damage.

It's going to be hard, don't get me wrong, but you're essentially going to have to start loving yourself properly, which you haven't been taught to do. This means developing boundaries, identifying when a person is crossing those boundaries and introducing consequence when they do. That means controlled responses. Simply say, "don't speak to me like that" and if they continue to do so, walk away. Just physically remove yourself.

That works with most people. Most will change their ways when they no longer get a response. IF you are dealing with NPD (which came to mind when you mentioned lies and exaggerations), the plan is more or less the same but you'll have to be a bit more cautious. These are the people who, when they can't control you anymore, will attempt to control peoples perceptions of you. Look up DARVO and see if you relate to any of it.

Thank you Darkmoon Queen, your post is lovely and so helpful. My mother can be like a Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde character the verbal abuse is rare and when it's not present she is honestly a good, loving mother. It's just impossible when she sees red. I really appreciate you sharing DARVO with me because I've seen it in my life (family) and it's something important to be aware of. x

Perhaps moving away from your toxic family can help you begin finding your own path in life.

Nah....they have absolutely been toxic, but my real issues are truly within me. I really appreciate your post though. For someone out there this is the truth x



Thank you everyone, I feel so seen and calm now, truly Such a loving community, thank you. You all have spent an hour talking with me and I feel so much better and not alone at all.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

My mother can be like a Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde character the verbal abuse is rare and when it's not present she is honestly a good, loving mother.

That's what's known as intermittent reinforcement. If she were a monster 100% of the time, it would be a hell of a lot easier to just write her off.

If you had a cookie dispenser and every time you pressed the button, you got a cookie, you'd not push it as much because you'd know you could get a cookie whenever you like.

If cookies NEVER came out, you'd leave it alone because it doesn't work.

If cookies only come out every so often, you'll break your back trying for cookies. Because you know it's possible but only if you try REALLY hard.

That's how people trap you. The goalposts move and you'll get crumbs compared to the effort you put in. But even crumbs are delicious when you're starving.

The trick is to learn that you are worth more than crumbs.