Venting I don't hate the idea of living, but there's no future for me

[a_lesser_moon]

So I don't necessarily hate the idea of being alive but I can't see myself getting older. When I think about the future it feels completely empty. I will probably move out of my house in a few years, I don't want to stay at my job any longer, my mental illnesses seem to not get better even after intensive treatment.
Besides, I can't imagine having a fairly liveable life with my mental illnesses, functioning as a normal human being, I feel completely overwhelmed by the things I'm juggling (household, work, social life, hobbies). It also makes me question things like: How could I ever have a partner without being a total burden? How could I ever hold a stable job? How will I cope with my friends settling down and starting families, while I won't? It all seems so hopeless, I rather kill myself now than watch my life fall apart slowly over the next few years. I don't want to end up with the emptiness of my life while everyone around me builds up their lives, becoming proper adults. I just don't feel like I could figure it all out. It feels embarrassing to someday be a forty-something woman and still having mental breakdowns over the smallest things or not being able to get out of bed.

Does anyone else feel the same?

 

[jandek]

Yeah, I can relate to that. It seems like most of my friends/family have moved on with their lives, doing whatever "normal" people do, but I'm still transfixed by the same painful emotions and mental illness. And life just feels more hopeless since I turned 30. I can't imagine growing old or being loved anymore. I'm sorry you're in this dark place.

 

[Zegers]

I think on some of your thoughts, since i wake up i feel very anxious and isolated and almost without energy, i feel like im in the middle of nowhere, its crushing. But anyway, you don't have to settle down or have a couple, you don't have to do anything that society dictates, each person has their own lifestyle and that's fine.

 

[theboy]

Me 2

 

[broken_songbird]

So I don't necessarily hate the idea of being alive but I can't see myself getting older. When I think about the future it feels completely empty. I will probably move out of my house in a few years, I don't want to stay at my job any longer, my mental illnesses seem to not get better even after intensive treatment.
Besides, I can't imagine having a fairly liveable life with my mental illnesses, functioning as a normal human being, I feel completely overwhelmed by the things I'm juggling (household, work, social life, hobbies). It also makes me question things like: How could I ever have a partner without being a total burden? How could I ever hold a stable job? How will I cope with my friends settling down and starting families, while I won't? It all seems so hopeless, I rather kill myself now than watch my life fall apart slowly over the next few years. I don't want to end up with the emptiness of my life while everyone around me builds up their lives, becoming proper adults. I just don't feel like I could figure it all out. It feels embarrassing to someday be a forty-something woman and still having mental breakdowns over the smallest things or not being able to get out of bed.

Does anyone else feel the same?

I do. Even my staunch bachelorette friend ended up married and she's an asshole. One of my favorite lyrics says "You should've been a mother, you should've been a wife, you should've been gone from here years ago, you should be living a different life." I would've been a great wife. Now I've been abused so much I'm terrified to even consider trying. And I'd look like a moron in my dream wedding dress at this age. I don't hate the idea of being alive either. I just hate the idea of staying alive like THIS. I recently took a pregnancy test even though it was a huge longshot. I knew a positive wouldn't be ideal, considering. But the negative was still just another heartbreak. I can understand not wanting to feel the type of emptiness you describe - it fully sucks.

 

[jodes2]

So I don't necessarily hate the idea of being alive but I can't see myself getting older. When I think about the future it feels completely empty. I will probably move out of my house in a few years, I don't want to stay at my job any longer, my mental illnesses seem to not get better even after intensive treatment.
Besides, I can't imagine having a fairly liveable life with my mental illnesses, functioning as a normal human being, I feel completely overwhelmed by the things I'm juggling (household, work, social life, hobbies). It also makes me question things like: How could I ever have a partner without being a total burden? How could I ever hold a stable job? How will I cope with my friends settling down and starting families, while I won't? It all seems so hopeless, I rather kill myself now than watch my life fall apart slowly over the next few years. I don't want to end up with the emptiness of my life while everyone around me builds up their lives, becoming proper adults. I just don't feel like I could figure it all out. It feels embarrassing to someday be a forty-something woman and still having mental breakdowns over the smallest things or not being able to get out of bed.

Does anyone else feel the same?

I'm getting used to having an empty life, but once my dad and gf are gone I'm outta here. I'm used to the fact that all my old friends have moved on. It's probably easier that I don't talk to anyone anymore, so I don't have to be constantly looked down at or pitied. But once my dad and gf are gone my life will fall apart spectacularly because I don't know how to do anything for myself. I'd rather Kms than become homeless

 

[Lullaby]

Yes, me too. I feel the exact same way.

It's hard for me to make friends, I can't seem to keep a partner or someone's attention for too long, it's difficult to keep a job and just function. I wish I could live and have/do the things I want, but it doesn't feel like I'm meant to be here. So it's like, why bother wasting anymore time or energy.

 

[a_lesser_moon]

Yes, me too. I feel the exact same way.

It's hard for me to make friends, I can't seem to keep a partner or someone's attention for too long, it's difficult to keep a job and just function. I wish I could live and have/do the things I want, but it doesn't feel like I'm meant to be here. So it's like, why bother wasting anymore time or energy.

Do you think that if you were able to do the things you really want, that your life would be more meaningful? and you wouldn't have the feeling of wanting to ctb? Because I think if I can arrange my life in the way that suits me best, taking my mental disabilities in mind, I would be much more happy. But unfortunately, I can't control all my circumstances and I have to work to pay rent and buy food.

I'm getting used to having an empty life, but once my dad and gf are gone I'm outta here. I'm used to the fact that all my old friends have moved on. It's probably easier that I don't talk to anyone anymore, so I don't have to be constantly looked down at or pitied. But once my dad and gf are gone my life will fall apart spectacularly because I don't know how to do anything for myself. I'd rather Kms than become homeless

I think it's heroic that you want to stay for your gf and dad. For me it's hard to feel like I can live for other people, so to not hurt them.

 

[MessedUp.]

So I don't necessarily hate the idea of being alive but I can't see myself getting older. When I think about the future it feels completely empty. I will probably move out of my house in a few years, I don't want to stay at my job any longer, my mental illnesses seem to not get better even after intensive treatment.
Besides, I can't imagine having a fairly liveable life with my mental illnesses, functioning as a normal human being, I feel completely overwhelmed by the things I'm juggling (household, work, social life, hobbies). It also makes me question things like: How could I ever have a partner without being a total burden? How could I ever hold a stable job? How will I cope with my friends settling down and starting families, while I won't? It all seems so hopeless, I rather kill myself now than watch my life fall apart slowly over the next few years. I don't want to end up with the emptiness of my life while everyone around me builds up their lives, becoming proper adults. I just don't feel like I could figure it all out. It feels embarrassing to someday be a forty-something woman and still having mental breakdowns over the smallest things or not being able to get out of bed.

Does anyone else feel the sam

So I don't necessarily hate the idea of being alive but I can't see myself getting older. When I think about the future it feels completely empty. I will probably move out of my house in a few years, I don't want to stay at my job any longer, my mental illnesses seem to not get better even after intensive treatment.
Besides, I can't imagine having a fairly liveable life with my mental illnesses, functioning as a normal human being, I feel completely overwhelmed by the things I'm juggling (household, work, social life, hobbies). It also makes me question things like: How could I ever have a partner without being a total burden? How could I ever hold a stable job? How will I cope with my friends settling down and starting families, while I won't? It all seems so hopeless, I rather kill myself now than watch my life fall apart slowly over the next few years. I don't want to end up with the emptiness of my life while everyone around me builds up their lives, becoming proper adults. I just don't feel like I could figure it all out. It feels embarrassing to someday be a forty-something woman and still having mental breakdowns over the smallest things or not being able to get out of bed.

Does anyone else feel the same?

Yes i feel you,
I cant imagine me getting older with a good life, every year literally ends up worse then the year before, im a failure in everything and im spending my life with dealing with my mental illnesses, i have so many words for it but basically its making me tired of it all

 

[Forever Sleep]

I sympathise. I am that 42 year old woman now and I'm so tired of it all. Most of my friends have married and have children and I barely keep in touch with them. It's got to a point where I don't even really want to see them.

I'm struggling to maintain a freelance career. I pretty much know I need to look for something more stable. It's maybe not so much that I fear I won't be able to hold down another shitty job- I know I'll struggle- I have massive social anxiety and crippling self doubt but it will become a case of having to bring in money. It's more that I utterly resent life. I don't see why I should get some God awful job to support a God awful life.

I'm so sorry that you feel this now. I think perhaps I was maybe deluded with hope at least when I was younger. I wish I knew what to say to help. All I can really do is sympathise though.

 

[anxious_depressive]

So I don't necessarily hate the idea of being alive but I can't see myself getting older. When I think about the future it feels completely empty. I will probably move out of my house in a few years, I don't want to stay at my job any longer, my mental illnesses seem to not get better even after intensive treatment.
Besides, I can't imagine having a fairly liveable life with my mental illnesses, functioning as a normal human being, I feel completely overwhelmed by the things I'm juggling (household, work, social life, hobbies). It also makes me question things like: How could I ever have a partner without being a total burden? How could I ever hold a stable job? How will I cope with my friends settling down and starting families, while I won't? It all seems so hopeless, I rather kill myself now than watch my life fall apart slowly over the next few years. I don't want to end up with the emptiness of my life while everyone around me builds up their lives, becoming proper adults. I just don't feel like I could figure it all out. It feels embarrassing to someday be a forty-something woman and still having mental breakdowns over the smallest things or not being able to get out of bed.

Does anyone else feel the same?

Hello.
I have similar feelings.

I have no future, no health. Nothing.
My life is in ruins.
I'm holding on with the last of my strength, but they're running out.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Hugs.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have trouble thinking beyond the next 24 hours…

 

[thebunny]

i can't really say that i feel the same way, but i'm on the same boat on how not really exactly seeing myself getting older. hell, i don't even want to think about it because it just makes everything depressing. i stopped hoping and seeing for a better future or any future at all, really. i used to, when i had everything that i ever dreamed of but as usual, i self-sabotage and lost them all in a snap. and i, my friend, am already a lost cause.

can't wait to catch the bus and end all this suffering and numbness soon.

sorry to hear that you're feeling that way. i wish things were better for all of us. hugs

 

[freedompass]

I never had much in the way of dreams, goals, ambitions or expectations. Once I came of age and had to be independent I seemed to lurch from one crisis to another, stuck in survival mode a lot of the time. I was struggling with undiagnosed bipolar for which I was getting no help or treatment right through my 20's. I was just a mess. So…I guess for me life wasn't and isn't a disappointment and I don't feel a sense of loss, like I horribly missed out on things I wanted. As for getting older we'll I'm 60 now and my mental health has never been as stable as it is now. I hardly do anything out in the world, largely keep to myself and am not in any material hardship as I get fairly generous disability benefits and have great social housing. I would prefer assisted suicide ofc but as society hasn't progressed to that degree of enlightenment I suppose I comply with living at least for now.

 

[DarkNearDeath]

Every day, I'm lying to myself. I need to stop that and sleep.