Venting I don't get what is wrong with me socially

[depressedpolyaddict]

I mean, I know that my "drug" addiction (addicted to not being sober, don't care what drug) is very stigmatized and could cause me issues. But I am not really sharing that info at all.


I was very kindly welcomed into a group of people last year and very quickly became friends. Soon people slowly started to completely ignore me. In the end, I was left with two people (will call them Stef and Meli) that I was exchanging messages with, at all.

I went out with Stef and two different people on the 27th december last year and after that, all chat activity and contact stopped. Wellbutrin made me realize something. I always initiated the contact. And I stopped doing that now.

I almost died two months ago from ventricular fibrillation/arrhythmia/cardiac arrest caused by an adrenergic storm (probably caused by Wellbutrin) and it feels weird to know that those people still wouldn't know if I just died that night. Stef had her birthday on the 22nd of february. She always really enjoyed my company, but didn't bother (or didn't want) to invite me to her party.

Meli hit me up today and profusely apologized for forgetting about me. I will just straight up ask her, what I did wrong or if it is just the group that changed so much. Stef apparently went on Tinder. Maybe she got a boyfriend and doesn't need/want/like me anymore... or maybe she just changed and I became boring/uninteresting/difficult for her.

Anyways, the loneliness and knowing that I am so easily forgettable/disposable, really tears my sanity appart. My attempts at being social always failed in the end and it's getting too frustrating to keep on trying. Piece by piece my mind is ripped appart and it hurts so much. I have no clue whom I should send a final goodbye message when I CTB.



I'm sorry if it is incoherent at some points. I am just really slammed on opioids right now.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

I can't say I know exactly how you feel, though from what you described, it sounds awfully lonely.

But I can empathize with you about how it might feels to be forgotten. Being the butt of the joke made me convenient, but unnecessary. Only invited for what I could do for someone else, not for my company.

 

[depressedpolyaddict]

I can't say I know exactly how you feel, though from what you described, it sounds awfully lonely.

But I can empathize with you about how it might feels to be forgotten. Being the butt of the joke made me convenient, but unnecessary. Only invited for what I could do for someone else, not for my company.

It is indescribably painful. My depression started manifesting itself physically in a very severe manner. Akathisia, cramps, heart attack-like pain, agitation, restless legs syndrome, notably weaker immune system, insomnia, permanent sleepiness, massive fatigue and so on. But I haven't cried in 1.5 years now. I use opioids so much to just sedate myself and not suffer from this restlessness. I was never really bullied at all or the butt of the joke, but just so forgettable and disposable. I really should have gone through in 2018. I had more than 20mg of Fentanyl. Ofc they were disposed of after I was hospitalized.

 

[Mm80]

Can relate to both of the first posts. Going from being popular to isolated and not knowing why. And i would take the role as the funny guy to be popular, but became discardable.
I have recently been diagnosed
with high functioning autism, and believe that was a huge factor for me. In autism, We often struggle socially and don't know why. And often don't understand what we have done wrong socially as don't always get the subtle social rules. I used to offend people by accident and not even know it, which led to me being pushed out without understanding why and written off as rude.
Of course I don't know anyone personally but might be worth looking at the symptoms and traits? Many people like myself were just treated as depressed, which could have been caused by the social isolation that comes with autism.
Either way I feel your pain and vulnerability

 

[crazy1]

I understand being lonely, so many people have left me through me life and I always feel like the odd one out.
Your situation sounds difficult though, I hope you find your answer.

 

[depressedpolyaddict]

Can relate to both of the first posts. Going from being popular to isolated and not knowing why. And i would take the role as the funny guy to be popular, but became discardable.
I have recently been diagnosed
with high functioning autism, and believe that was a huge factor for me. In autism, We often struggle socially and don't know why. And often don't understand what we have done wrong socially as don't always get the subtle social rules. I used to offend people by accident and not even know it, which led to me being pushed out without understanding why and written off as rude.
Of course I don't know anyone personally but might be worth looking at the symptoms and traits? Many people like myself were just treated as depressed, which could have been caused by the social isolation that comes with autism.
Either way I feel your pain and vulnerability ❤

It is definetly not autism in my case. My struggles were only present from age 2 onwards. Only ever since I had first contact with people outside of family, it was clear that I am not normal. Me and my psychiatrist suspect me being either somewhere on the Schizophrenia spectrum or Schizoid personality disorder. SzPD's symptoms in some aspects are identical to Asperger syndrome.

I understand being lonely, so many people have left me through me life and I always feel like the odd one out.
Your situation sounds difficult though, I hope you find your answer.

I have completely given up at this point. 18 years old and already completely done....

German constitutional court abolished the effectively total ban on assisted suicide. I will either try to get Pentobarbital or I will do it myself with Fentanyl or Heroin.

 

[Mm80]

It is definetly not autism in my case. My struggles were only present from age 2 onwards. Only ever since I had first contact with people outside of family, it was clear that I am not normal. Me and my psychiatrist suspect me being either somewhere on the Schizophrenia spectrum or Schizoid personality disorder. SzPD's symptoms in some aspects are identical to Asperger syndrome.

Yes that's interesting. People are born autistic. I read the link between aspergers syndrome (which is high functioning autism.) and schizoid personality disorder, as in they look identical. And when I did the personality test I scored high on schizoid.
Not sure what could have went wrong socially for you then x

 

[s1mplem3]

I understand you, though I've never been invited to a party or anywhere. I think nothing's wrong with you it's just society sucks.

 

[It'llNeverEnd]

just a note I didn't read the whole conversion.
I've always had a lot of friends everywhere I went and if they were sparse, there was a giant group of friends online I could turn to. during an abusive relationship, she had me isolate from everyone that wasn't affected by depression isolation already. i had gone from constantly having someone to share my thoughts with to now writing in a journal or going on some random social network, or even a dating app for the sole purpose of talking to someone. sometimes people reach out, but i'm not sure if i'm coming on too strong, i'm much more reserved in person. basically i've never felt so alone and i've tried over a dozen times to kill myself and at least 3/4 of them would have succeeded had someone not called an ambulance. i think it's my lack of trust getting in the way of making new friends anymore after dealing with massive abuse.
I was thinking it was autism for a bit, I get some of the symptoms that match up, but not enough.

 

[Mm80]

just a note I didn't read the whole conversion.
I've always had a lot of friends everywhere I went and if they were sparse, there was a giant group of friends online I could turn to. during an abusive relationship, she had me isolate from everyone that wasn't affected by depression isolation already. i had gone from constantly having someone to share my thoughts with to now writing in a journal or going on some random social network, or even a dating app for the sole purpose of talking to someone. sometimes people reach out, but i'm not sure if i'm coming on too strong, i'm much more reserved in person. basically i've never felt so alone and i've tried over a dozen times to kill myself and at least 3/4 of them would have succeeded had someone not called an ambulance. i think it's my lack of trust getting in the way of making new friends anymore after dealing with massive abuse.
I was thinking it was autism for a bit, I get some of the symptoms that match up, but not enough.

Sounds more circumstantial in your case maybe? As in a bad relationship caused some damage? Im sorry to hear it.