Venting I don’t feel like I have a justifiable reason to ctb

[Hyes]

Over this past week, my mental state PLUNGED. I felt the lowest I have ever felt despite all factors pointing to the fact that I *should* be happy. The night I was at my lowest, I had gone over to a friends house, we played a quick round of Fortnite before we split up to grab some food. We then met up at a bowling alley, hotboxed our car before going inside and we just started bowling.

After about an hour, I was getting disassociated and shitting on myself every time I had trouble enunciating or just speaking to one of my friends in general. I'd get up to bowl my turn but only after my friends had to remind it was my turn every time. I've never been good at bowling, and I genuinely surprised myself by hitting some strikes but I was so inconsistent I was mostly hitting gutter balls. I felt less than my friends because while they were also hitting quite a few gutter balls, they were at least way more consistent in their shots as time went on.

I have autism, my friends all know I have autism and I have a tendency to communicate strangely sometimes. Im not the only one in the group like that, but im definitely the worst at it.

I started venting in my notes app this past week and it does help. But some of the prerequisites to figuring out this kinda stuff and why I'm acting the way I'm acting include: being starved, being hopeless. When I'm just fine, and not actively suicidal I can't self reflect. Yin and Yang in the that way? The great thing to come from this experience is that I now now view suicide as a genuine choice rather than a reaction.

But I still don't feel justified. No one after I die could reasonably find a good reason. I know I'm living a much better life than others. My parents are great when you need them to be, they will do nothing but try to help us kids while we fuck up. My mom is verbally abusive but she does not hit us or my dad, honestly I can stand it this way. But would anyone investigating even find out my mom is a narcissist and loves to yell at us and put us down? No, she'll hide it like she does when a guest comes over.

I feel hopeless for my future. I have not been intimate or even met with anyone in 2 years. From what others have shared, it's only going to be longer before I do meet someone. But no one in their right mind should ever get into a relationship with me. I'm not showering daily, i have to really try and remember to brush my teeth (which are fucked) and I can barely eat anything that isn't fast food. I like my job and it's making me a shit ton of easy money for what I'm doing. But people have definitely noticed something is wrong with me. I like to actively avoid people no matter how insignificant an interaction could be. I don't see any point in going on, but I don't think my situation is bad enough to give pro-lifers closure as to why I would ctb.

 

[Amyend88]

It's all relative. No one can say whether the decision is right or wrong, except for the individual.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Any personal reason is a valid reason if you come to the conclusion that it is worth to CTB for that reason. Only you can estimate whether you've done enough, whether there's hope, whether you want to try sth else and give it another chance.

It's never too late to give it another chance. CTB is final and therefore should be the very last option in any case.

I wish you all the best.

 

[livinginsorrow]

i just wanted to share that your experience was very relatable in a lot of ways. i'm sorry you're going through this at the moment and hope you find peace whatever you do.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think it is good that you are stopping to reflect as to the justifiability of you decision to CTB. People here will say that any reason is justified if it comes from you but I think we are doing ourselves a huge disservice if we don't examine the hull for leaks, so to speak.

I have autism and it's the main driver behind my decision to CTB. So I am always to inclined to support that as a reason to want to die. But my personal experience can be said to color that to a big degree.

What do you think justifies your desire to CTB? And what doesn't?

Are you at peace with the effort you have made?

Whether people will think of your decision to CTB after the fact isn't relevant to whether it was the right thing to do or not, but you should still make some attempt, even if it has to be through a note to provide them with some understanding.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Some people want to to ctb due to depression, others due to an existential crisis or money or relationship problems.
Every reason is valid because its a deeply personal thing.
I wish you peace in whatever you decide.