Venting I dont feel like a real person

[coolgal82]

Idk. idk anything. i dont understand any of it. i dont know how much of my feelings are actually real if any at all or if theyre just like made up. idfk who i am or what i am or whats wrong with me or if theres even anything wrong with me its all so fucking confusing. like objectively i can go "yeah i exist i am feeling these things rn" but i dont know if im *actually* feeling those or im misunderstanding my feelings or like just tricking myself into feeling that because its what i or others expect me to be feeling or just for attention or idfk. i dont understand it all. and honestly this is one of the biggest reasons i wanna ctb. it feels like im never gonna like truly understand myself or my feelings or anything and whenever i try its so fucking hard and i dont get it and it just seems like this torment is inescapable and the only way to make it stop is just to end it all but im too much of a fucking coward to be able to do that. i dont get why i cant, whenever i feel like i could my brain always gets too fixated on the fact i'll live like it for some reason thinks i just definitely will because death is just like incomprehensible or something idk. i hate it. i want this to end. i dont even know if these feelings are real lmao.

 

[darkshadownice]

I get that a lot. The best way I can describe it is feelings beginning to "fuse" together and you don't know how to react, because you might react in the wrong way. I felt that more and more as I got older. Super exhausting.

 

[vercabow]

i know exactly what you mean. i don't even know who i am anymore. it's like im lost in a world that i wasn't supposed to exist in.

 

[yxmux]

Same. I feel like a machine. I can't tell which feelings are really mine and which ones are masked or feigned. It's hard for me to even think of myself as having feelings or emotions because I can't ever identify with them.

Honestly, I feel like I'm too self-sufficient and superior to even be enslaved by this human body and these primitive instincts and compulsions that only seem to make people stupid. But I still have to satisfy these instincts somehow (fantasy), and my judgement is constantly being manipulated by these instincts. That's what's so paradoxical about it.

 

[RoyalBengalAutistic]

I can relate. This subjective feeling of self is very confusing for me. I feel like I am trapped in myself. It is very frightening. I have no clue what I am, who I am, where this sense of self comes from. I feel so trapped in this subjective feeling.

 

[FinalVoid25]

That thought "I don't feel real" has always been in the back of my head, lurking in the shadows of my experience of "reality" since childhood. Everyone else around me feels alive, and I was always just the useless observer, like a forgotten relic of a different age, a ghost that can't really interact properly with the real world.