Venting i don't feel like a good person today

[tragicfanatic]

i don't really know what the issue with me is. i blow things out of proportion way too much to the point where i know i'm just being a burden on everyone else. i have these massive mood swings where one second i'm smiling and laughing; the next second i'm having a panic attack in my bathroom and planning to ctb; the next second i realize i'm overreacting. lately, though, i feel like maybe i should die even when i'm having a good time. because i know it isn't going to last and i hate that. i barely even know who i am anymore. everyone i know seems to think i'm this sweet person and it's giving me this massive imposter syndrome because every time someone says something kind about me i really, really don't feel like i deserve it.

i don't think i've ever said this out loud before but i absolutely hate myself. i really can't do anything right. every time i vent i know i'm just wasting the other person's time and i tell myself next time i'll just keep it to myself and deal with it because i hate being an inconvenience to anyone, or make anyone feel like they're responsible or obligated for me, but then i go and complain again. it makes me feel like an attention seeker, but i can't really lament about being an attention seeker, because if i say i'm an attention seeker, the person i'm talking to is now therefore obligated to reassure me that i'm not an attention seeker through the rules of conversation, which will make me feel like an even bigger attention seeker. you know?

someone really needs to knock me out every time i want to go and vent to someone again.

thank you for listening. please have a nice day. <3