I don’t feel I belong here

[Cant go back]

I've read so many posts of members sharing their personal situations and how they ended up here.

Abuse, physical ailments, mental illness, sickness, troubled childhood etc.

I feel like my reasons to ctb are trivial compared to a lot of you. I feel like if you all knew my situation and personal history you would say "how dare you even think about wanting to ctb, I would give anything to have your life, what have you got to be depressed about you ungrateful bastard".

Well maybe it's true… I don't know… i
don't know why I'm even writing this, I guess I'm trying to justify to myself my reasons to ctb, because I feel as though others on here have more of a "right" to feel the way they do.

But in the end my story which is specific to me, boils down to me being weak in the face of the situation that I put myself in by choice. I don't have the guts, nor could deal with the guilt to walk away when others have. I don't like confrontation which is why I haven't changed my situation, and I don't even think a dialogue or confrontation would even change anything for the better. Plus I think being in this situation has made me develop mental illness… I must have it now right? I mean I want to kill myself! I never used to feel this way.

Now I'm not looking for any encouragement to ctb (that would be a weird post), I just wanted to put out my (cryptic) reason and would love to hear your thoughts.

 

[Pluto]

Most people here know the futility of comparing ourselves or trying to assess who has it worse. Nobody can really know what it's like to be a different person. Having a non-judgmental space helps with making rational choices. Wishing you the best!

 

[whywere]

Hello! 1st off, you are NOT weak at all ever. Heck, you are a very strong person in fact, as it takes someone with vast intellect to understand the when, what and where of a situation. I have seen through all the decades, so many that just put up their fists and/or get nose to nose and still accomplish nothing except to look like a fool.

2nd You have all the right in this world to be whatever you want, as like with me, I have mental health issues and I have learned from them that I am a very good person, not to judge myself harshly, and also not to judge myself against others, I am me and I like me.

You are a very kind, caring and smart soul, I reread your post a lot and those aspects are quite evident, and I care about you deeply, as you are a awesome person with so much to give this world and yourself.

Take good care of yourself, my good friend and I send lots of sunny skies.

Walter

 

[OrcWitch]

At times I read people's stories and they make me feel like my life is a fairytale in comparison. But what I lived through was still difficult.

I don't think your struggle is invalid even if it was less difficult than another person's.

 

[little helpers]

I think trauma shouldn't be defined too narrow-mindedly. like I mean it, being a survivor myself. this is not to underplay anyone's struggle. but to say things like racism is also very deeply traumatic and we barely have an escape to that.

social traumas exist too. despite being widely unacknowledged. never past a lightly-taken word like "microaggression". well, it's not "micro" at all, when it's cumulative, and humming everywhere in the background. and how much more traumatic should it be to witness all the George Floyd's and Trayvon Martin's in your life. family members in prison and jail.

so I think you might relate. things like that. others may sweep it under the rug but you don't deserve their invalidation. your suicidality exists and it validates everything for you already. so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[FuneralCry]

We all have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing, suicide is a personal decision. We did not ask to exist in the first place, so we have no obligations to stay alive. Nobody needs to justify their reasons for leaving. For me, life itself is enough of a reason for wanting to leave this world. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[idiotstillwantstodie]

I've read so many posts of members sharing their personal situations and how they ended up here.

Abuse, physical ailments, mental illness, sickness, troubled childhood etc.

I feel like my reasons to ctb are trivial compared to a lot of you. I feel like if you all knew my situation and personal history you would say "how dare you even think about wanting to ctb, I would give anything to have your life, what have you got to be depressed about you ungrateful bastard".

Well maybe it's true… I don't know… i
don't know why I'm even writing this, I guess I'm trying to justify to myself my reasons to ctb, because I feel as though others on here have more of a "right" to feel the way they do.

But in the end my story which is specific to me, boils down to me being weak in the face of the situation that I put myself in by choice. I don't have the guts, nor could deal with the guilt to walk away when others have. I don't like confrontation which is why I haven't changed my situation, and I don't even think a dialogue or confrontation would even change anything for the better. Plus I think being in this situation has made me develop mental illness… I must have it now right? I mean I want to kill myself! I never used to feel this way.

Now I'm not looking for any encouragement to ctb (that would be a weird post), I just wanted to put out my (cryptic) reason and would love to hear your thoughts.

None of this stuff really matters that much in the end. Natural survivors will survive and naturally self-destructive people will kill themselves, regardless of their life/health situations.

I'm not saying those situations don't matter at all, they do. But in the different extreme ends of the "spectrum" there are really no "rational" reasons why people kill themselves/ don't kill themselves. Some people will choose to kill themselves despite having a great quality of life, and some others choose to keep living despite having a greatly decreased quality of life. It often comes down to natural, inborn brain chemistry and personality traits.

I'd take a guess most people on this forum score high on neuroticism. People who are closer to the "psychopathic" end of the spectrum rarely kill themselves.

 

[Soulseer]

I think that most people come here because of pain. They feel pain in their current situation and the forums and community help ease their pain by normalizing the discussion of suicide a a logical option.

 

[viniboi9]

I don't like confrontation which is why I haven't changed my situation

me being weak in the face of the situation that I put myself in by choice

both of these sum me up to a T

it's a fucking awful situation to be in, especially when the conflict is inevitable and it brings up all these unbearable feelings of anxiety

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

We are here because we feel trapped and desperate

 

[Onkyo74893]

I've read so many posts of members sharing their personal situations and how they ended up here.

Abuse, physical ailments, mental illness, sickness, troubled childhood etc.

I feel like my reasons to ctb are trivial compared to a lot of you. I feel like if you all knew my situation and personal history you would say "how dare you even think about wanting to ctb, I would give anything to have your life, what have you got to be depressed about you ungrateful bastard".

Well maybe it's true… I don't know… i
don't know why I'm even writing this, I guess I'm trying to justify to myself my reasons to ctb, because I feel as though others on here have more of a "right" to feel the way they do.

But in the end my story which is specific to me, boils down to me being weak in the face of the situation that I put myself in by choice. I don't have the guts, nor could deal with the guilt to walk away when others have. I don't like confrontation which is why I haven't changed my situation, and I don't even think a dialogue or confrontation would even change anything for the better. Plus I think being in this situation has made me develop mental illness… I must have it now right? I mean I want to kill myself! I never used to feel this way.

Now I'm not looking for any encouragement to ctb (that would be a weird post), I just wanted to put out my (cryptic) reason and would love to hear your thoughts.

You said your reasons are trivial compared to others. Mine might be too. I have severe depression. Traumatic childhood, a factor I would guess affected most people on this site. I personally believe no one's problems are trivial if what they are experiencing makes them want to end it all. If I may ask, what are your trivial reasons?

 

[TornInTwo]

I feel like my reasons to ctb are trivial compared to a lot of you. I feel like if you all knew my situation and personal history you would say "how dare you even think about wanting to ctb, I would give anything to have your life, what have you got to be depressed about you ungrateful bastard".

I'm brand new here so it's pretty brazen of me to 'speak for the community' but… from what I've seen in a couple of months of lurking, I can't imagine anyone here would say or even think that about you. Your pain is your pain, regardless of how you got there. And pain is subjective, no one can know what yours feels like to you. And if you're struggling with whether or not to ctb, that's evidence enough that it feels like A LOT. Ctb requires strength, carrying on requires strength. Changing your situation requires strength, putting up with it as is requires strength. One thing you're not is weak!

 

[Cant go back]

If I may ask, what are your trivial reasons?

I feel as though I'm a disappointment to my whole family. I get zero appreciation for the things I do (which is everything) to provide and care for my spouse and kids, sometimes I'm even chastised because I don't do enough. I just want to be alone, now more than ever, but I can't just walk away… the guilt would be crippling. Just better to ctb.