Venting I don't feel guilt right now...

[BasqueClown]

I'm lying.
Not to this community.
I'm lying to my family, to my psychiatrist, to my friends.
Part of me is attached to this "Safety plan" to stabilize me after a 1. A psychotic episode crisis triggered by alcohol + drug 2. A forced hospitalization when my alter took control of me in almost 24 days. Then Asenapine and DUloxetine arrived.
Sure, my alter didn't "show", or at least I'm aware of her. Sure, I don't have any episodes since I was discharged from psych ward. Sure, I still have the dream of being married with a woman and retake my teacher carreer...
I don't feel any guilt about my suicide. Even with my aunt, who loves me a lot and she took care of mine in my childhoood and now after my diagnosis. I'm glad she loved me besides judgment, against the posture of my dad and my stepmom who practically dishonored and disheritance me and repeat the "Like mother like daughter" as in "crazy" ones.
I drop out self pityness or self compassion. I don't care if my alter also wants to kill me, or kill herself, or whatever:
Whatever happens, the only peace I figure is in dying.
Makes me glad
Makes me feel relieved
And all that "Yellow september", hotlines, or even worse called "LIFELINES" (Hahahahah) are useless.
No, this isn't my suicide note or my goodbye. Is my inner pact to accept my death.
Planning a suicide isn't easy. I tried since 2 years before and I didn't success it.
So whatever happens I'm not guilt or remorsed about doing it.
Suicide people aren't crazy, or deranged. We are owners of our destinies.

 

[theboy]

Alter?

 

[Sparr0w]

Alter?

quick site search and not quite DID/OSDD apparently ("Depersonal Disorder"), basically just another part that takes over, acts differently from "main" personality etc. with the main part/personality having no memory of what the "alter" (second part/personality) did. you can learn more through either talking to BasqueClown themself or googling Dissassociative Identity Disorder.

 

[theboy]

quick site search and not quite DID/OSDD apparently ("Depersonal Disorder"), basically just another part that takes over, acts differently from "main" personality etc. with the main part/personality having no memory of what the "alter" (second part/personality) did. you can learn more through either talking to BasqueClown themself or googling Dissassociative Identity Disorder.

interesting
thanks for the information

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

do you think its a bad thing that you dont feel guilt? personally, i dont believe anyone needs to feel guilty for wanting to ctb. we decide what we do with our own bodies and its our choice whether to continue existing or end it. no one is obligated to live for others, even when others care and would feel grief. guilt is understandable, but it just adds more pain.

 

[BasqueClown]

do you think its a bad thing that you dont feel guilt? personally, i dont believe anyone needs to feel guilty for wanting to ctb. we decide what we do with our own bodies and its our choice whether to continue existing or end it. no one is obligated to live for others, even when others care and would feel grief. guilt is understandable, but it just adds more pain.

My point is to explain the exact opposite. Our society told us to have guilt about ending your own life, first for religious reasons, then for social reasons "Think about your family, your friends, this is temporal, you can do it, yaddayadda" , and when as I overcome that guilt, I feel ready to dying in any time without any remorse.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

My point is to explain the exact opposite. Our society told us to have guilt about ending your own life, first for religious reasons, then for social reasons "Think about your family, your friends, this is temporal, you can do it, yaddayadda" , and when as I overcome that guilt, I feel ready to dying in any time without any remorse.

i see, thanks for clarifying (i wasnt sure thats why i asked, i have poor reading comprehension lol).

i actually feel the same way. i used to have a lot of guilt for wanting to ctb, but i recently overcame my guilt as well