Every year on December 24th, I mourn the untimely death of a young rapper named Capital Steez or Jamal Courtney Dewar. He was extremely talented and had his whole life ahead of him until one day he decided to take his own life by jumping off a music labels building in lower Manhattan. I watch his videos, his songs, the songs dedicated to him and I still can't see what made him do it. What made him take his own life. It isn't until I am crying so hard into my pillows, wetting the cotton of the pillowcase do I understand the pain he must've been feeling. To have the world on your back ignoring the apparent weight on your shoulders that holds you down into full blown darkness. People watch you submerge into the saddest moments in your life and do nothing to comfort you. They love to see your accomplishments, cheer you on whenever you're doing well but when you are visibly crying out for help no one can seem to lend you a hand and even when it does happen, it's fraudulent.
Days pass and nights come and I can't even sleep. I have one meal a day, I listen to the same songs on repeat and all people do is assume that I am being lazy. I can't seem to live like how I want to. It is so hard being a fat, queer, black person. Exhausting to be social when you know no one really gives a fuck. My attempts are met with so much resistance, so much hatred, so much ignorance and sometimes I can't take it.
I have tried to CTB multiple times since I was eight years old. Every attempt failed - some because of my SI but others because sometimes I feel like I don't really want to leave. I just want things to change. My birthday is coming up soon and when I was 16 I promised myself to take my life at 21 but things are so different now. I have new additions to my family and made new friends but when they aren't around, life gets bleak.
I thought I was okay at the beginning of this year, I had my head on straight and looked forward to completing my goals but right now it doesn't seem like I will be good at anything or good for anyone. The pain I feel when loneliness hits or when the PTSD won't go away or when the anxiety makes me feel like I will be attacked in every single direction is tiring. Depression has a strong grip on my life and I don't think anything- not even meds can make me feel different.
This was long but I am a new member that almost CTB this week and I have been watching the site for a while since ASHweb passworded theirs. I just need to feel like someone is listening. Thank you.
- Balance
Days pass and nights come and I can't even sleep. I have one meal a day, I listen to the same songs on repeat and all people do is assume that I am being lazy. I can't seem to live like how I want to. It is so hard being a fat, queer, black person. Exhausting to be social when you know no one really gives a fuck. My attempts are met with so much resistance, so much hatred, so much ignorance and sometimes I can't take it.
I have tried to CTB multiple times since I was eight years old. Every attempt failed - some because of my SI but others because sometimes I feel like I don't really want to leave. I just want things to change. My birthday is coming up soon and when I was 16 I promised myself to take my life at 21 but things are so different now. I have new additions to my family and made new friends but when they aren't around, life gets bleak.
I thought I was okay at the beginning of this year, I had my head on straight and looked forward to completing my goals but right now it doesn't seem like I will be good at anything or good for anyone. The pain I feel when loneliness hits or when the PTSD won't go away or when the anxiety makes me feel like I will be attacked in every single direction is tiring. Depression has a strong grip on my life and I don't think anything- not even meds can make me feel different.
This was long but I am a new member that almost CTB this week and I have been watching the site for a while since ASHweb passworded theirs. I just need to feel like someone is listening. Thank you.
- Balance
