Grimpoteuthis
Your deep sea friend
- Jul 1, 2023
- 85
Well, I haven't been on this site very often recently and it was not because I am too busy irl or that I am no longer suicidal.
My anhedonia is at its worst point to the extent that I am no longer passionate about ctb and absolutely nothing could be considered soothing or entertaining to me, therefore I have no reason or incentives to keep browsing this site.
I am no longer motivated enough to do research on chemicals.
I am no longer motivated enough to learn all the types of knots.
I am no longer motivated enough to fix my suicide notes.
I am no longer motivated enough to vent.
I am no longer motivated enough to die, or to live.
Regardless of how ridiculous it might sound, but it is not until now that I have realized that all activities beyond basic survival, including suicide, needs a minimum level of motivation which I currently lack. All of us are on this site because we are actively seeking suicide as a solution to whether internal or external sources of extreme stress that we could no longer bear. Anhedonia makes you immune to any kind of mental turmoil, superficially and temporarily relieving one from the pain of living, yet it is merely a denial of the problem rather than a solution. Objectively I can recognize the amplification of all my problems and sufferings from those problems because of my escapism, but subjectively I cannot even perceive them anymore to feel motivated or pressured into solving them.
My future would just be that of anyone who has a life that can be considered normal. I am perfectly able and functional judging from the perspective of society, but from now on I would only live as a daughter, a friend, a sibling, a cousin, a student, an employee, a member, or whatever identity in relation to another, but never as an individual.
My anhedonia is at its worst point to the extent that I am no longer passionate about ctb and absolutely nothing could be considered soothing or entertaining to me, therefore I have no reason or incentives to keep browsing this site.
I am no longer motivated enough to do research on chemicals.
I am no longer motivated enough to learn all the types of knots.
I am no longer motivated enough to fix my suicide notes.
I am no longer motivated enough to vent.
I am no longer motivated enough to die, or to live.
Regardless of how ridiculous it might sound, but it is not until now that I have realized that all activities beyond basic survival, including suicide, needs a minimum level of motivation which I currently lack. All of us are on this site because we are actively seeking suicide as a solution to whether internal or external sources of extreme stress that we could no longer bear. Anhedonia makes you immune to any kind of mental turmoil, superficially and temporarily relieving one from the pain of living, yet it is merely a denial of the problem rather than a solution. Objectively I can recognize the amplification of all my problems and sufferings from those problems because of my escapism, but subjectively I cannot even perceive them anymore to feel motivated or pressured into solving them.
My future would just be that of anyone who has a life that can be considered normal. I am perfectly able and functional judging from the perspective of society, but from now on I would only live as a daughter, a friend, a sibling, a cousin, a student, an employee, a member, or whatever identity in relation to another, but never as an individual.
