Venting i don’t belong here

[Black Rose Bunny]

i'm not really sure how to say this in a way that sounds crazy, i don't think i'm crazy i think it's just a very foreign experience to most people, and i think i'm good at looking at it objectively and somewhat rationally. it's not really something spontaneous, Ive had these feelings for my entire memorable life, i've changed my understanding of them and i think i've developed a more mature outlook on them now, but the feelings remain unchanged.

the most irrational part is that i feel sort of like i'm not meant to be alive. kind of like one of my past suicide attempts should have killed me but it just didn't, i don't really feel like i belong in this world. i think given my childhood, and the effect it's had on me i'm not really sure how i can still be here.

i think a large part of why i feel this way is i can't recall ever actually wanting to be alive, at any point in my life, just a lot of unanswered wishes for death. i still really want to die, i'm just too scared to kill myself, and all my recent attempts i've backed out last second. i feel like i'm just delaying the inevitable. i can't really picture a world with me in it, i don't belong here, and i feel so very detached from my body, and i feel a lot of hate towards my body.

i have a girlfriend now, and i love her so much, just being around her brightens a lot of the darkness for me, she doesn't know how much just being near her helps me, and i likely won't tell her because i don't want to place pressure on her. however my feelings towards life haven't really changed and i feel like i'm hiding that i don't belong here and i still feel like i'm just delaying my suicide, but i won't commit it because i love her, and don't want to hurt her.

 

[whywere]

You, my friend, are a very loving, kind, thoughtfulcaring and emapthic soul. I reread your thread multiple times, as it made me feel good knowing that there are folks in this world who have a huge heart and that they are willing to share that with another person.

You are a FANTASTIC person, and I am so very happy to have you as a friend on here, thank you so much.

Lots of love and bright blue sunny skies for you and your girlfriend.

Walter

 

[theboy]

I understand. I also feel like I don't belong here.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

You, my friend, are a very loving, kind, thoughtfulcaring and emapthic soul. I reread your thread multiple times, as it made me feel good knowing that there are folks in this world who have a huge heart and that they are willing to share that with another person.

You are a FANTASTIC person, and I am so very happy to have you as a friend on here, thank you so much.

Lots of love and bright blue sunny skies for you and your girlfriend.

Walter

i'm not !! i have the intense urge to break up with her so that i can go kill myself