Venting i don't belong anywhere

[batmanreal]

i know this is a universal feeling, especially amongst people in my age range, but it's been especially excruciating recently. it used to be something that occasionally popped up in the back of my mind, but i feel like i can't do anything anymore. i just want to melt away and die because i feel so wrong in every situation. i feel this constant sense of dread and humiliation in every scenario. i think we've all experienced embarrassment after entering a space you're not supposed to be in or walking in on something you weren't meant to see— that's the feeling i'm talking about. it's there in the most basic and mundane situations. whenever i go out, talk to someone (online or offline), post something, hang out with another person, spend time with family, talk in a groupchat, sit by myself in the break room, do literally anything—that feeling is there, screaming at me. any form of interaction (or even just existing in public) leaves me feeling so shitty, but i still engage because i'm pathetic and needy.
even if i can function well in whatever environment i end up in, i just don't feel like i'm supposed to be there. everywhere i go, i feel like i'm intruding. i want to disappear. i feel like a perpetual elephant in the room, even though most people barely notice me at all. i don't really impact anyone.
i'm not delusional, i know most people are indifferent to my existence and presence. i just can't get rid of this feeling, actual logic doesn't affect anything.
i shouldn't exist at all, my existence does nothing but bring me pain, i'm just taking up space and resources.

 

[persepexa]

I feel the exact same way. Was at a birthday party last week (the only invite to anything I've had all year) and I felt exactly how you described so I ended up leaving early.