Venting i do nothing

[finalkarma]

my existence is excruciating. not limited to just me even, i feel as though its visible to my mom as well sometimes. i hate the feeling so i go and hide out in my room to avoid her because i just cant bear it. i wish i wasnt like this. i wish i wasnt me. why couldnt i be just as great as everyone else?

my mom works so hard every day to be able to take care of my family, and i do nothing all day. i hate it. im able to get a job, i have the time to work, but im so socially anxious and weird and incompetent that i dont think id even land a job interview. im also just so mentally exhausted...i cant even imagine having to get up and go to work when i can barely bring myself to wash the dishes. but im sick of seeing her come home from work at night and be tired while im leaving my room from watching a youtube video.

i expressed concern to a friend about needing to get a job but also being anxious about interacting with people, and they recommended finding a job in a hotel where i'd be folding towels and doing work in the back where there'd be no one. and this doesnt sound bad, i would be willing to do that, but i feel like i know that it wouldnt be as easy as that. i know with every job, you have to interact with people in some way. and that terrifies me. i just want to be useful

how do you get past this. genuinely, how do i stop being so devoid of worth?

any insight/advice is appreciated, and thank you if you even read this through all the way. it actually means a lot :'-)

 

[DeathSleep]

You could start slow and get a part time job. I currently work 2 days a week because of my depression and anxiety. I struggle on just those 2 days but I feel good saying that I have a job. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Pomegranate]

I understand how you feel. All you feel like doing is staying in your bedroom and going on your phone. Doing things like chores, driving, or talking to people is exhausting. You feel tired really fast and want to go back to your room, close the door, and wait it out till the next day. And that's not the only thing you're suffering from. You're also dealing with social anxiety, which makes interacting with people extra hard.

Your feelings are valid. You're going through a lot. And many others go through the same things, from a persistent depressed mood to recurrent thoughts of suicide to a loss of pleasure in hobbies.

Can you tell me more about ways you've tried to control these feelings? For example, have you taken antidepressants, or tried treatments outside of medications? Do you have a friend or a professional therapist in whom you can enturst your thoughts?

With regards to jobs, I advise initially to try to find an online job. There are several jobs that don't require you to see customers or make phone calls. Examples: live chat agent, data entry clerk, graphic designer, social media marketer, and medical transcriber.

I really wish you the best. I know you're going through a lot, and life is painful. You're constantly reminded you're in a situation that is difficult to get out of. You wish you're someone else, someone who's doing better off, someone who has fewer struggles and obstacles to overcome. Wouldn't it be nice if we can change bodies and become people that can get through life without much of a worry? I wish that was possible.

 

[rainseahorse]

I used to understand myself as socially incompetent and weird, but once it became necessary to overcome that to avoid homelessness I forced myself to try. So I'm more normal now, or at least I've learned to appear more normal. It's tough being mentally exhausted, especially if the solution may mentally exhaust you even more, but if you want to get better at social interaction, you'll have to try it out or you'll never learn. I feel like most people learn to build up some social facade growing up anyways, and it's a minority that actually enjoys interacting with strangers.

 

[tera_forest]

As a socially anxious person who somehow managed to get a job, I can confidently say that interacting with people really does get a lot easier once you get into the swing of things. I guess the interview is the hard part. I don't really have advice for you there but I want to say that I understand where you're coming from. It absolutely can be terrifying and seemingly insurmountable

 

[finalkarma]

Can you tell me more about ways you've tried to control these feelings? For example, have you taken antidepressants, or tried treatments outside of medications? Do you have a friend or a professional therapist in whom you can enturst your thoughts?

With regards to jobs, I advise initially to try to find an online job. There are several jobs that don't require you to see customers or make phone calls. Examples: live chat agent, data entry clerk, graphic designer, social media marketer, and medical transcriber.

im just now realizing that i havent tried to control my feelings in any way. that thought has never occurred to me up until now. i always just think "this is just the way i am". but i dont want to take antidepressants, i personally dont like the idea of having to rely on medication to feel decent.
the friend mentioned in my post is actually my only friend, and i dont want to burden them with my melancholia. we do rant to each other and vent about our problems, but i have never expressed how deep my sadness goes, and i fear it would change their viewpoint on me. they arent aware how truly miserable i am.
and the therapist. i have never tried professional therapy as it is too expensive, but i have delved in counseling before and im not sure how i feel about it. i dont have great experience with reaching out for help. every attempt i made at that has went horribly wrong, so i would rather not try again...

thank you for those job examples! i wont lie, their titles sound a bit intimidating...but i will look more into them.

and thank you for taking the time to read and construct a reply! you described exactly how i feel, it makes me feel seen...thank you for that

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do understand. I'm so scared of social interactions too. I've been terrified in all of the jobs I've done. It's hard to advise what to do really. I felt like I had to work. I had to try to support myself. The lecture I would have got if I didn't was worse.

Thing is- you won't know what it will be like till you try it. There are so many factors. You may end up working with a very supportive team and they may make you realise your fears are unfounded. Or- things could be difficult but you cope. Or- things could feel overwhelming and you quit. You won't know till you try.

As for coping mechanisms- I watch YouTube videos on how to deal with social anxiety. Do your best to stay calm at work. You can only try your best. If you feel like you've messed up- or are going to- tell your managers.

Plus- from the outset- it's difficult- even to find a job. I think that's normal. So- don't put too much pressure on yourself or feel like a failure if you get rejected. Sadly, it's just all part of the course. Good luck.

 

[wagner2029]

my existence is excruciating. not limited to just me even, i feel as though its visible to my mom as well sometimes. i hate the feeling so i go and hide out in my room to avoid her because i just cant bear it. i wish i wasnt like this. i wish i wasnt me. why couldnt i be just as great as everyone else?

my mom works so hard every day to be able to take care of my family, and i do nothing all day. i hate it. im able to get a job, i have the time to work, but im so socially anxious and weird and incompetent that i dont think id even land a job interview. im also just so mentally exhausted...i cant even imagine having to get up and go to work when i can barely bring myself to wash the dishes. but im sick of seeing her come home from work at night and be tired while im leaving my room from watching a youtube video.

i expressed concern to a friend about needing to get a job but also being anxious about interacting with people, and they recommended finding a job in a hotel where i'd be folding towels and doing work in the back where there'd be no one. and this doesnt sound bad, i would be willing to do that, but i feel like i know that it wouldnt be as easy as that. i know with every job, you have to interact with people in some way. and that terrifies me. i just want to be useful

how do you get past this. genuinely, how do i stop being so devoid of worth?

any insight/advice is appreciated, and thank you if you even read this through all the way. it actually means a lot :'-)

Depression is a disease like any other, it needs medicine to get better, a diabetic doesn't like taking insulin either, but he needs it to stay alive. I understand what you feel, I feel the same thing, I have a nitrogen cylinder next to my bed and I've been putting it off for 2 months, I've already changed medication and doctor twice, this week I'm going to the doctor again to change the medication , maybe something will work. You will always feel this bad feeling, but after you start working it gets better, you will become distracted.