Venting i do have the chance to actually ctb and it scares me

[belly.up4good]

I calculated it pretty well, coming back from college to my parents for a bit. They stay home a lot but when they're gone, they're gone for hours, enough that I probably have enough time to actually ctb. But it scares me. I don't actually want to die. It just..feels all useless. Everything is fucked up in my life already. Not that fucked up but I'm so lazy now and have no friends, partner broke up and lots of jealousy because we're still talking but certain aspects of their life bother me. I feel uncomfortable around my family, and around other people except my partner even though I don't trust to say anything personal to them. I'm just afraid they'll leave me, and they've said multiple times not too mean but kind of mean things when I told them I was sad or something. It wouldn't matter if they left anyway I mean it's pretty stupid to die, I don't want to live without them but if I died we wouldn't have a chance to get back together anyway. I just I hate uncertainty, when we were together it felt like it would never end but now there's certain circumstances that makes me worry about it. I also want to because I'm afraid to really be an adult and start working and be stuck doing rent forever after college. I hate myself so much why does everything end I hate it. I can never have anything. I'm so uncomfortable in my skin and a people pleaser. People don't think about my feelings ever. It doesn't matter like. omg I jus. Why does it have to be me. Why do bad things always happen to me. I keep reading all the ways to ctb and I keep fantasizing about it like crazy. I just wanna be missed, I wanna be loved, I want everyone to realize what they did and be sorry. I wanna wake up in the hospital and see their face. I wanna be saved miraculously by them and im so so sorry and everything goes back to how it used to be.

edit: I guess I'm not going to ctb so soon but I still want to. I'm not ready somehow, even though everything sucks so bad, I don't know why I can't just do it. I guess because I know for real I'll never feel or speak or be anything forever.

 

[glassbottom]

I feel for you and empathize so so deeply. I'm much older than you and there have been so many times that I have felt that way - exactly as you so eloquently described - and I do want you to know that every time something has changed and gotten better even when I was absolutely certain it wouldn't.
And I want to be clear that I'm not pro life, I'm here, I'm in it, I am putting plans in place to ctb myself. I just really feel for you and want you to have hope, if that feels good to you. And if it doesn't know that I understand that too. Life is just really, really hard, sometimes, for some of us. You're not alone in that. And it's ok to want to feel loved and seen.

 

[belly.up4good]

I feel for you and empathize so so deeply. I'm much older than you and there have been so many times that I have felt that way - exactly as you so eloquently described - and I do want you to know that every time something has changed and gotten better even when I was absolutely certain it wouldn't.
And I want to be clear that I'm not pro life, I'm here, I'm in it, I am putting plans in place to ctb myself. I just really feel for you and want you to have hope, if that feels good to you. And if it doesn't know that I understand that too. Life is just really, really hard, sometimes, for some of us. You're not alone in that. And it's ok to want to feel loved and seen.

Thank you so much. I just feel like it's the end even though my life is kinda just starting. It means alot what you said. I'm sorry you wanna ctb. I am. I'm tired of how people treat me. I'm not pure but I don't deserve it. I'm tired of things being temporary and not being able to say anything about what bothers me without consequences.

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

I'm sorry to hear everything you're going through and I understand your feelings, It's scary to know you have that power to end everything right then if you wanted to, but scared of the uncertainty of it all, it's a curse to feel that way and something I struggle with frequently, unfortunately you'll probably have to deal with this time and time again as you feel suicidal, but the feelings will pass, but unfortunately will mpst likely never go away permanently, it's the curse of life unfortunately

 

[belly.up4good]

I'm sorry to hear everything you're going through and I understand your feelings, It's scary to know you have that power to end everything right then if you wanted to, but scared of the uncertainty of it all, it's a curse to feel that way and something I struggle with frequently, unfortunately you'll probably have to deal with this time and time again as you feel suicidal, but the feelings will pass, but unfortunately will mpst likely never go away permanently, it's the curse of life unfortunately

Yea..I just can't decide what to do, it's crazy how a bit easy it is, like too easy. I just wanna be happy. I don't mind the ideations if they last forever, sadness is a bit comforting. Mostly just thinking about other people's reactions is comforting, as a bit fucked up that is. Like right now just imagined my partner crying finding me dead and holding me. I just can't stop thinking about the most drastic solution because I can't handle confrontation or people leaving me again or them continuing to treat me badly, I really can't. It scares me to be open and risk losing what I barely have. And in general I don't have hope for the future, living everyday is so repetetive and tiring, and It's hard to make myself do things I want to. I'm sorry you have them too. I hope your situation gets better. I also love your pfp, Viktor is my favorite.

 

[NotSalmon]

I calculated it pretty well, coming back from college to my parents for a bit. They stay home a lot but when they're gone, they're gone for hours, enough that I probably have enough time to actually ctb. But it scares me. I don't actually want to die. It just..feels all useless. Everything is fucked up in my life already. Not that fucked up but I'm so lazy now and have no friends, partner broke up and lots of jealousy because we're still talking but certain aspects of their life bother me. I feel uncomfortable around my family, and around other people except my partner even though I don't trust to say anything personal to them. I'm just afraid they'll leave me, and they've said multiple times not too mean but kind of mean things when I told them I was sad or something. It wouldn't matter if they left anyway I mean it's pretty stupid to die, I don't want to live without them but if I died we wouldn't have a chance to get back together anyway. I just I hate uncertainty, when we were together it felt like it would never end but now there's certain circumstances that makes me worry about it. I also want to because I'm afraid to really be an adult and start working and be stuck doing rent forever after college. I hate myself so much why does everything end I hate it. I can never have anything. I'm so uncomfortable in my skin and a people pleaser. People don't think about my feelings ever. It doesn't matter like. omg I jus. Why does it have to be me. Why do bad things always happen to me. I keep reading all the ways to ctb and I keep fantasizing about it like crazy. I just wanna be missed, I wanna be loved, I want everyone to realize what they did and be sorry. I wanna wake up in the hospital and see their face. I wanna be saved miraculously by them and im so so sorry and everything goes back to how it used to be.

this hits so close to home, CTB is really so scary and it's so hard when you know you really don't want to do it but feel too backed up in a dark corner to be certain you don't want to leave. It also hurts to think about CTB at such a young age, one could be throwing their life and future away and not even know it. It really is a hell

 

[belly.up4good]

this hits so close to home, CTB is really so scary and it's so hard when you know you really don't want to do it but feel too backed up in a dark corner to be certain you don't want to leave. It also hurts to think about CTB at such a young age, one could be throwing their life and future away and not even know it. It really is a hell

Exactly. Like what other option do I have, I've been waiting around forever and it just keeps sucking. Thinking about the future is scary cuz it's about risk, with everything there's risk, but why, why can't I just know I get to have what I want, cuz in that case I would stay if I knew. I'm glad but sorry you relate so much.

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

Yea..I just can't decide what to do, it's crazy how a bit easy it is, like too easy. I just wanna be happy. I don't mind the ideations if they last forever, sadness is a bit comforting. Mostly just thinking about other people's reactions is comforting, as a bit fucked up that is. Like right now just imagined my partner crying finding me dead and holding me. I just can't stop thinking about the most drastic solution because I can't handle confrontation or people leaving me again or them continuing to treat me badly, I really can't. It scares me to be open and risk losing what I barely have. And in general I don't have hope for the future, living everyday is so repetetive and tiring, and It's hard to make myself do things I want to. I'm sorry you have them too. I hope your situation gets better. I also love your pfp, Viktor is my favorite.

Thank you, I love Viktor lol, bit it really sucks having to battle whether to take the risk and end your life or not, for me I've decided to only do so when I think te time is absolutely right, when it feels the most convenient for me and not just something I'm doing out of impulse but instead comfortable enough to do n my own without any regrets

 

[tbh2023]

Suicide is not easy and definitely not for everyone. When my friend died after drinking sn I didn't even believe he went through with it. I have my sn already and I'm suicidal every day and nights but I don't have the courage to do it. I'm scared to leave trauma victims behind me and because of me. It's fine maybe you can find happiness after all. I have a secret that I never told anyone and that secret is the reason I want to CTB so eventually I'll drink my sn maybe tonight maybe tomorrow I don't know but soon

 

[belly.up4good]

Suicide is not easy and definitely not for everyone. When my friend died after drinking sn I didn't even believe he went through with it. I have my sn already and I'm suicidal every day and nights but I don't have the courage to do it. I'm scared to leave trauma victims behind me and because of me. It's fine maybe you can find happiness after all. I have a secret that I never told anyone and that secret is the reason I want to CTB so eventually I'll drink my sn maybe tonight maybe tomorrow I don't know but soon

definitely not, its nice to think about but actually coming up with plans is terrifying. yea i dont either. and that too, i have a friend that has had alot of friends die already, i feel if i did they might do something to themself. yea i dont wanna ctb to find happiness, i just feel everything is too late for me. im sorry about your secret because thats a big problem for me too, i have so many secrets, i lie so much to the people close to me, and they probably will never know all of it unless i leave a note. whatever it is, you don't deserve it. thank you for talking to me and feeling like you can be honest about your situation. i hope things get better for you.

Thank you, I love Viktor lol, bit it really sucks having to battle whether to take the risk and end your life or not, for me I've decided to only do so when I think te time is absolutely right, when it feels the most convenient for me and not just something I'm doing out of impulse but instead comfortable enough to do n my own without any regrets

thats true. im trying to postpone it and debating it alot so im kinda taking is as a sign to just wait. it kinda feels dumb to wait, like i lived extra for nothing anyway, but idk. ugh i really dont know. i like that though, youre right, i dont wanna have regrets and be ready. im not right now. and its ok. thank you for making me realize that, hopefully i stick to my word, i was thinking about ctbing tonight.