I dislike other's "love".

[Archness]

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. Practically, at any time, I could open my mouth and "reach out", but I don't. On some level, I fear it could only make things worse, like how mother's "love" in my childhood made me almost incapable of properly bonding with my parents. That kind of care is only bothersome, because she wouldn't care for trash like me, but is binded by blood.

But, that's not the most of it, that reason alone wouldn't be why I kept silent, it's just a strong supporting reason. No, it's really because my death, the kinds of struggles I must handle, is solely my business. I don't think anyone other then myself could really understand me, and even then, it's quite difficult. I don't think mere words, or more likely, the gaslighting, lies, manipulation, deception, ignorance, misunderstanding, overbearing-ness, anger, etc that have defined what "I care about you" or even "I love you" has been for me in my while life. I'd like it if people genuinely cared less and would even let me rot away and die. At the same time, I wished someone would hold me.

When it's been put into words, it's paradoxical, nonsensical even, but it is indeed my feelings, it is my reality. Am I just defective and broken, or is it an issue of communication only ever being approximate? It's probably both. It's not about keeping myself a non-burdeon, I genuinely find it a bit annoying at times, and past being allowed to live for free, I find it... I just feel weird and a little uncomfortable with it for some reason. Sometimes I kinda worry they'll suddenly go mask-off and start abusing me or something, or there's some kind of hidden-agenda with it. It's especially the case with mother and family, much-much lesso with others and even strangers.

That's a whole other can of worms I'm too weak to open even.

Opening up to others isn't really worth it. What could they do? You can call this a "trust issue", but I'd call it a faith issue, because those people would only get fussy, annoying, and just make my mood worse. Everything I've seen points to that being how it'll go. Now here I am, on a suicide forum, because I'm considering death. I'm not really even bothered by that, but everyone else will just focus on that and get fussy about it.

People "caring about me", it can come of as fussy and annoying for me. That's what indifference and disassociation does to the brain guys.
I'd expect others to think I was soulless or something and get mean over this. What kind of person am I?

It's really fucking hopeless.

 

[HighFlight]

It's not hopeless, but I think I can understand why it seems to be. Bring others into a close relationship is difficult and scary. It means being vulnerable. When working properly, it can also come with comfort, security, and unconditional love.

But when it's not working properly, you get all of the negatives, and only some (or none) of the positive.

Given the nature of this site, you might try looking for someone who's ideas align with yours and try to connect. You might find the comfort in being able to talk to an anonymous person who has similar thoughts and feelings, without the downsides of an actual relationship.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

 

[Despondent_Fondant]

Personally, years of feeling like the only love in my life is merely contractual or because people pity me, I can relate to the feeling that when people care, it's an annoyance. But paradoxically, sometimes I want nothing more then a genuine connection with someone, but this "connection" cant be facilitated because I push people away. Either I have to change, and accept that people can actually care about me, or accept that im broken and honestly both seem extremely distant. So I am stuck at an endless crossroads, unable to even make a decision. Maybe you can relate?

 

[Archness]

Personally, years of feeling like the only love in my life is merely contractual or because people pity me, I can relate to the feeling that when people care, it's an annoyance. But paradoxically, sometimes I want nothing more then a genuine connection with someone, but this "connection" cant be facilitated because I push people away. Either I have to change, and accept that people can actually care about me, or accept that im broken and honestly both seem extremely distant. So I am stuck at an endless crossroads, unable to even make a decision. Maybe you can relate?

That's a really good way of putting it. I wish to form a genuine connection, but could only ever get these shallow kinds of relation. Beyond "It's supposed to..." and people being nice, there isn't anything more then that.

While yes, I grew up in an "ideal inviroment" with the other students being nice bc I was too autistic to be "grounded"; I guess that ideal didn't really have any substance. It feels like life is only the avoidance of pain, and simple comfort/pleasures. It's boring, and since I'm not "really living" life anyways, might as well be unalive for real.

 

[Despondent_Fondant]

That's a really good way of putting it. I wish to form a genuine connection, but could only ever get these shallow kinds of relation. Beyond "It's supposed to..." and people being nice, there isn't anything more then that.

While yes, I grew up in an "ideal inviroment" with the other students being nice bc I was too autistic to be "grounded"; I guess that ideal didn't really have any substance. It feels like life is only the avoidance of pain, and simple comfort/pleasures. It's boring, and since I'm not "really living" life anyways, might as well be unalive for real.

Do you ever feel like your sadness is in some way "invalidated" because you had an "ideal environment"? I feel like sometimes there is no reason for me to feel like this, because from the outside I have little reason to be sad. But when my life boils down to never wanting to feel pain, and living on small shards of happiness and ignorance. I have little reason to be happy and the times that I am happy, dont even feel real. I really relate with your description of "really living." It feels like there is no way life boils down to just this right? And if it does why would I want to stay.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. Practically, at any time, I could open my mouth and "reach out", but I don't. On some level, I fear it could only make things worse, like how mother's "love" in my childhood made me almost incapable of properly bonding with my parents. That kind of care is only bothersome, because she wouldn't care for trash like me, but is binded by blood.

But, that's not the most of it, that reason alone wouldn't be why I kept silent, it's just a strong supporting reason. No, it's really because my death, the kinds of struggles I must handle, is solely my business. I don't think anyone other then myself could really understand me, and even then, it's quite difficult. I don't think mere words, or more likely, the gaslighting, lies, manipulation, deception, ignorance, misunderstanding, overbearing-ness, anger, etc that have defined what "I care about you" or even "I love you" has been for me in my while life. I'd like it if people genuinely cared less and would even let me rot away and die. At the same time, I wished someone would hold me.

When it's been put into words, it's paradoxical, nonsensical even, but it is indeed my feelings, it is my reality. Am I just defective and broken, or is it an issue of communication only ever being approximate? It's probably both. It's not about keeping myself a non-burdeon, I genuinely find it a bit annoying at times, and past being allowed to live for free, I find it... I just feel weird and a little uncomfortable with it for some reason. Sometimes I kinda worry they'll suddenly go mask-off and start abusing me or something, or there's some kind of hidden-agenda with it. It's especially the case with mother and family, much-much lesso with others and even strangers.

That's a whole other can of worms I'm too weak to open even.

Opening up to others isn't really worth it. What could they do? You can call this a "trust issue", but I'd call it a faith issue, because those people would only get fussy, annoying, and just make my mood worse. Everything I've seen points to that being how it'll go. Now here I am, on a suicide forum, because I'm considering death. I'm not really even bothered by that, but everyone else will just focus on that and get fussy about it.

People "caring about me", it can come of as fussy and annoying for me. That's what indifference and disassociation does to the brain guys.
I'd expect others to think I was soulless or something and get mean over this. What kind of person am I?

It's really fucking hopeless.

Other's love? I wouldn't know what that is. What's love? How does one experience it?