Venting I died for 90 seconds

[violetsun]

a couple weeks ago, i was hospitalized for a medical emergency from my chronic illness and had died for 90 seconds.

it was a very sudden change. my eyes were closed and everything was dark, then i felt my veins be filled with what i can only describe as warmth. similar to an iv solution given before an mri but without the pressure. i didn't feel my limbs, i didn't feel anything but warm. like the thought of me CTB hadn't even occurred to me during those 90 seconds. all i felt was warmth and calm, no other feeling or emotion.

i'm upset that they were able to revive me because i didn't want to be resuscitated. i missed when i died because that was the one time in my existence where i didn't feel pain or suffer from my illness or everything else in my life.

i wish they would allow people who are chronically ill to be euthanized because dying was the best experience i ever had.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

You can't do a DNR there? =o

 

[violetsun]

my dad won't let me despite the fact that i am an adult (he is my current caretaker while i recover). i'm currently trying to find ways to bypass that without him knowing but he is a lead surgeon at the hospital i frequent

 

[QueerMelancholy]

Aww yeah if your dad is a lead surgeon then it sounds difficult. Sorry you have to go through this it all sounds so terrible to me.

Hopefully, your dad can start treating you like an adult and let you make your own decisions concerning doing a DNR or not if your chronic illness leads to these kinds of possibilities.

Sending good vibes out into the universe for you I hope it all works out.

 

[Nikitatos]

Almost all acounts of death are described as unbelievably amazing. Indescribably great. There was even a member of this forum that was amazed by the other side right before they went.

 

[lita-lassi]

brains release a potent cocktail of hormones and other chemicals it normally doesnt when it senses death is near so yeah id hope it felt amazing, youre essentially made of nothing but fuzzy feel good chems for a bit

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really peaceful, in my case the peace of non-existence is certainly all I wish for, all I want is an permanent release from all future unnecessary suffering. It truly is so immensley cruel and hellish how people are denied the option to be euthanised, I'm sorry you were forced back into this existence when you were previously at peace.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Yeah not to discredit your experience, but I believe it's just brain mechanisms that are not understood. It's sad that we're not allowed legalized drugs to give us this feeling on a regular basis. Also who knows what painkiller or benzo etc they pumped you with to relieve your pain and revive you. When I did Spravato (legal), sometimes it was so peaceful, at times I couldn't believe it wasn't death. It was emotional because I wish my mother and I could always feel this peaceful and have our misery lifted... I was like, "It everyone could just get ONE spray of this esketamine everyday, how much better would we all be??" It's very sad... I'm not an illegal drug user but you can identify with why they do... smh. Misery unfortunately still more profitable, especially as ketamine isn't approved by insurance for depression.
Still f***ed from jumpstreet.

 

[KillingPain267]

Yeah not to discredit your experience, but I believe it's just brain mechanisms that are not understood. It's sad that we're not allowed drugs to give us this feeling on a regular basis. Who knows what painkiller or benzo etc they pumped you with to relieve your pain and revive you. When I did Spravato, sometimes it was so peaceful, at times I couldn't believe it wasn't death. It was emotional because I wish my mother and I could always feel this peaceful and have the misery lifted. I was like, "It everyone could just get ONE spray of this everyday, how much better would we all be??" It's very sad. I'm not an illegal drug user but you can identify with why they do... smh. Misery is unfortunately still more profit off of, especially as ketamine isn't approved by insurance for depression. Still f***ed from jumpstreet.

This! I ate opioids for a month and I felt so peaceful that I didn't think about ctb. But I had to stop because it was street opioids which are 10 times higher in price. If only anyone who wants it could buy it at the grocery store like an ibuprofen! But no, they rather wanna fear monger about tolerance and organ damage, yet you can buy liquor and cigarettes freely (which are known to cause way more organ damage and faster than opioids and benzos). When I stopped opioids I turned to liquor and quickly developed fatty liver. Opioids I had only nausea the first week, then no issues. It's so clear that they don't even care about how we feel or even our organs shutting down.

 

[vitbar]

This! I ate opioids for a month and I felt so peaceful that I didn't think about ctb. But I had to stop because it was street opioids which are 10 times higher in price. If only anyone who wants it could buy it at the grocery store like an ibuprofen! But no, they rather wanna fear monger about tolerance and organ damage, yet you can buy liquor and cigarettes freely (which are known to cause way more organ damage and faster than opioids and benzos). When I stopped opioids I turned to liquor and quickly developed fatty liver. Opioids I had only nausea the first week, then no issues. It's so clear that they don't even care about how we feel or even our organs shutting down.

They were, or are, researching opioid receptor targeting antidepressants.

 

[violetsun]

Yeah not to discredit your experience, but I believe it's just brain mechanisms that are not understood. It's sad that we're not allowed legalized drugs to give us this feeling on a regular basis. Also who knows what painkiller or benzo etc they pumped you with to relieve your pain and revive you. When I did Spravato (legal), sometimes it was so peaceful, at times I couldn't believe it wasn't death. It was emotional because I wish my mother and I could always feel this peaceful and have our misery lifted... I was like, "It everyone could just get ONE spray of this esketamine everyday, how much better would we all be??" It's very sad... I'm not an illegal drug user but you can identify with why they do... smh. Misery unfortunately still more profitable, especially as ketamine isn't approved by insurance for depression.
Still f***ed from jumpstreet.

oh no, i didn't have an iv attached to me or anything. they had to basically "jumpstart" my heart with an electric pulse and it hurt so bad when i woke up. i didn't get an iv until after i was revived. although i do agree that the good feeling was brain chemicals trying to calm the conscious down

 

[DefinitelyReady]

oh no, i didn't have an iv attached to me or anything. they had to basically "jumpstart" my heart with an electric pulse and it hurt so bad when i woke up. i didn't get an iv until after i was revived. although i do agree that the good feeling was brain chemicals trying to calm the conscious down

Ouch. Sounds painful as crap. I'm sorry. I hope they got that part under control at least where you won't end up like that again having to go through that. It's too bad you didn't get more brain activity (an effect) in your "limbo life" for all the trouble :/

 

[ladylazarus4]

Yeah not to discredit your experience, but I believe it's just brain mechanisms that are not understood. It's sad that we're not allowed legalized drugs to give us this feeling on a regular basis. Also who knows what painkiller or benzo etc they pumped you with to relieve your pain and revive you. When I did Spravato (legal), sometimes it was so peaceful, at times I couldn't believe it wasn't death. It was emotional because I wish my mother and I could always feel this peaceful and have our misery lifted... I was like, "It everyone could just get ONE spray of this esketamine everyday, how much better would we all be??" It's very sad... I'm not an illegal drug user but you can identify with why they do... smh. Misery unfortunately still more profitable, especially as ketamine isn't approved by insurance for depression.
Still f***ed from jumpstreet.

I also do ketamine for my depression (IV, not nasal spray). I sometimes feel so ungrounded that it's like I'm no longer here. Like I'm floating away. It's nice. I wish more people could have access to it.

 

[hao☆]

a couple weeks ago, i was hospitalized for a medical emergency from my chronic illness and had died for 90 seconds.

it was a very sudden change. my eyes were closed and everything was dark, then i felt my veins be filled with what i can only describe as warmth. similar to an iv solution given before an mri but without the pressure. i didn't feel my limbs, i didn't feel anything but warm. like the thought of me CTB hadn't even occurred to me during those 90 seconds. all i felt was warmth and calm, no other feeling or emotion.

i'm upset that they were able to revive me because i didn't want to be resuscitated. i missed when i died because that was the one time in my existence where i didn't feel pain or suffer from my illness or everything else in my life.

i wish they would allow people who are chronically ill to be euthanized because dying was the best experience i ever had.

I know how this feels because at some point i strangled myself, it felt all warm and cozy its like you dont wanna get out of there, its real dark and you feel all sleepy and stuff. i just had to oull out because SI was too strong

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I also do ketamine for my depression (IV, not nasal spray). I sometimes feel so ungrounded that it's like I'm no longer here. Like I'm floating away. It's nice. I wish more people could have access to it.

Yeah, I thought I was coming in the office for ketamine, but the clerk didn't know the difference so turns out only Spravato was covered. So I super disappointed. That's expensive. I don't know if you it's covered where you are. I hope it helps. Apparently it helps with so many things and is safer than the public is really led to believe imo. I hope you keep getting it. There are FB groups for both and people who have tried ketamine say it didnt work but spravato did, and vice versa. I say alternate if you build a tolerance. I'm also trying to include dextromethorphan in small increments because of the similiar nmda antagonist factor. Also my insurance denied Auvelity but it's just as well because I think I'd have to half those doses too cause they come in strong mg. Tried every antidepressant from every category. Good luck

 

[Little_Suzy]

my dad won't let me despite the fact that i am an adult (he is my current caretaker while i recover). i'm currently trying to find ways to bypass that without him knowing but he is a lead surgeon at the hospital i frequent

None of this makes sense. You are not required to give someone permission to make medical decisions on your behalf. You create a medical directive to refuse resuscitation. You give this to your medical team or at hospital check-in; it is kept confidential. Your father cannot review your records because he is not your physician.

I have a caregiver, and your contract includes a section about DNR. I allowed my caregiver to resuscitate me. If I did not give my consent, the law requires her to stand by and witness my death. However, many caregivers will walk away to avoid witnessing their client's death.

Even though I am married, I never designate an emergency contact person because I want to be involved in all of my medical decisions. Just know that this is also your legal right. If you want a DNR, I hope you get it.

 

[violetsun]

None of this makes sense. You are not required to give someone permission to make medical decisions on your behalf. You create a medical directive to refuse resuscitation. You give this to your medical team or at hospital check-in; it is kept confidential. Your father cannot review your records because he is not your physician.

I have a caregiver, and your contract includes a section about DNR. I allowed my caregiver to resuscitate me. If I did not give my consent, the law requires her to stand by and witness my death. However, many caregivers will walk away to avoid witnessing their client's death.

Even though I am married, I never designate an emergency contact person because I want to be involved in all of my medical decisions. Just know that this is also your legal right. If you want a DNR, I hope you get it.

i dont live in the united states so that maybe that's why? since i am female, my word isn't taken into account especially because i am disabled. it's fairly common where i live and i'm still trying to find a loophole

 

[Little_Suzy]

i dont live in the united states so that maybe that's why? since i am female, my word isn't taken into account especially because i am disabled. it's fairly common where i live and i'm still trying to find a loophole

I hoped you lived in the United States when I wrote that. As a chronically ill, disabled person, you rely on medical services more than the average person. Adults should prepare their wills and medical directives. Patients' rights are exactly that: patients' rights. Hopefully, you will be able to find an agency or lawyer to assist you in preparing these documents.