hopelessdreams
life and its opposite
- Mar 1, 2022
- 176
I sometimes write in a journal to put my feelings down and have some breathing room in my own brain. Today I wrote an entry, and I wanted to share a passage of it with you guys. Maybe someone can relate. maybe someone can take comfort in my words. feel free to write something of your own in here. I love reading someone else's thoughts. either way, here it is:
"i didnt know someone could despise themselves as much as I do now, but I guess you learn something new everyday right? I can't stand myself; this person that I am. not the person that I've become, because I've always been like this. I just cared to hide it and coped with academic succes and friends. but now the blinders are gone, and im exposed to the world as the person I truly am: bitter, aggressive, disappointing, unlovable, empty. what the fuck do I deserve? nothing. I don't deserve to eat, drink, sleep, love, laugh, learn. even if I did, it would be all for nothing, because ill fuck it up anyway at some point. everything I touch gets burned to the ground."
"I don't deserve the people around me. they're trying to help a person that Is long gone. the facade that I've put up my whole life. the thing is: you can't help a person that doesn't want to be helped. you think I haven't told myself a million times to just suck it up and just live my life? I've tried. I've failed. it doesn't work. something snapped in me. something irreversible that lets me see the whole purpose of life: there's no fucking purpose! if you're good, you'll go to heaven. if you kill yourself you'll rot in hell. well, id rather rot in hell and hear the stories of people who have suffered in their life then be in heaven because I fit in the mold that society and religion wanted me to fit in."
"i didnt know someone could despise themselves as much as I do now, but I guess you learn something new everyday right? I can't stand myself; this person that I am. not the person that I've become, because I've always been like this. I just cared to hide it and coped with academic succes and friends. but now the blinders are gone, and im exposed to the world as the person I truly am: bitter, aggressive, disappointing, unlovable, empty. what the fuck do I deserve? nothing. I don't deserve to eat, drink, sleep, love, laugh, learn. even if I did, it would be all for nothing, because ill fuck it up anyway at some point. everything I touch gets burned to the ground."
"I don't deserve the people around me. they're trying to help a person that Is long gone. the facade that I've put up my whole life. the thing is: you can't help a person that doesn't want to be helped. you think I haven't told myself a million times to just suck it up and just live my life? I've tried. I've failed. it doesn't work. something snapped in me. something irreversible that lets me see the whole purpose of life: there's no fucking purpose! if you're good, you'll go to heaven. if you kill yourself you'll rot in hell. well, id rather rot in hell and hear the stories of people who have suffered in their life then be in heaven because I fit in the mold that society and religion wanted me to fit in."