justwant2sleep
Member
- Jul 23, 2023
- 23
I've had many depressive episodes during the past 7 years. This one feels different, it might be the worst of them all. Firstly I have become sort of nocturnal. Maybe that's because sleeping all day = not having to interact with anyone or 'face the world'. I never know what day it is. The days don't mean anything anymore. I'm woken up, I take my meds, I go back to sleep. I wake up, I go back to sleep.
Then once my family goes to bed at night time I sit here alone in the silence. Sometimes I try putting in headphones and listening to music, which I used to enjoy so much, but not even music makes me feel anything anymore. I barely change my clothes. I don't brush my teeth anywhere near as often as I should. Showering takes too much effort so I usually just avoid it. I haven't been replying to calls or texts. I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone and write back. I think if I had one of those smart watches that counts how many steps are taken each day I would average about 30 steps at the moment. I basically only leave my bed to eat something or to use the bathroom. When I think about it, I actually don't remember the last time I left the house.
I swear each time I wake up I could burst into tears from the sadness and frustration that comes with realizing I am still alive in this hell. Not to mention the second I open my eyes that frustration becomes anger, and the urge to SH just grows and grows. I think that when I have been depressed previously I still had that one little drop of hope. The hope that had me believing maybe things would turn out okay for me some day, some how. Now that hope is completely gone. I really don't care for anything. I just spend the nights trying to find the energy to plan to CTB, even that feels so damn exhausting, despite me knowing it's all that is left for me now. Ugh. Sorry for another stupid rant.
Then once my family goes to bed at night time I sit here alone in the silence. Sometimes I try putting in headphones and listening to music, which I used to enjoy so much, but not even music makes me feel anything anymore. I barely change my clothes. I don't brush my teeth anywhere near as often as I should. Showering takes too much effort so I usually just avoid it. I haven't been replying to calls or texts. I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone and write back. I think if I had one of those smart watches that counts how many steps are taken each day I would average about 30 steps at the moment. I basically only leave my bed to eat something or to use the bathroom. When I think about it, I actually don't remember the last time I left the house.
I swear each time I wake up I could burst into tears from the sadness and frustration that comes with realizing I am still alive in this hell. Not to mention the second I open my eyes that frustration becomes anger, and the urge to SH just grows and grows. I think that when I have been depressed previously I still had that one little drop of hope. The hope that had me believing maybe things would turn out okay for me some day, some how. Now that hope is completely gone. I really don't care for anything. I just spend the nights trying to find the energy to plan to CTB, even that feels so damn exhausting, despite me knowing it's all that is left for me now. Ugh. Sorry for another stupid rant.
