Long post, sexual abuse.
my first ever memory is my uncle pushing his penis in my mouth, I could barely walk from one place to another, may be 2.5-3 year old, went on for few days. Did not have enough vocabulary to tell this to anyone, did knew that something is just not right.
had a troubled childhood, sexually abused by cousins for months, was about 7-8 year old. again I was too young to understand what was going on. Uncle who abused me committed suicide, I was happy when he died.
Did not have many friends, neglected at family, remember writing on the walls that I want to die around the age of 11-12.
Very very troubled school life, though was good in studies but could not connect with people.
At the age of 13-14 realised that my mom has an extra marital affair, she did her best to hide it from everyone. She was extremely rude to me in my teenage, would punish me by not talking to me for weeks and weeks. She would not talk to be for good 2 weeks in a month. Happened for a long time. I always kept quiet about her affair, she did not know that I knew about it. I never had the courage to say it on her face, she didn't do any good to me as a child but I always respected her.
At the age of 15-16 I told my mom and dad about what happened to me as a child, they didn't react anything. They just kept quiet and ignored everything. I was shattered.
My brother for his own good and to take a revenge from my mother decided to tell my father about her affair, I was about 17 year old then, I kept quiet about her affair all these years, I knew what would happen if I told her or my dad, I felt bad for my dad, didn't like my mom. When my dad finally knew our family was falling apart, everyone was against my mom, I knew she was wrong but I couldn't leave her alone, I knew how harsh everyone was on her, I decided to take a stand for her, to save her and my family. My dad was very disappointed with my stand, I couldn't let her die, she made few suicide attempts, nobody cared. She was caught having two more affairs after that. I always stood by her no matter what.
I came to New Zealand hoping to start a new life, things were extremely hard, last 6 months have been hard. Was dating a guy, he talked about kids and marriage and everything nice, I felt great, he was troubled too, we were getting along well, after 6 months when I asked him about us, he just said we won't talk anymore and that we are done. No reason, no explanation, just decided to end things out of blue. We had a fight once before too, he blamed his Bipolar disorder of it. I was completely losing myself, I left home next day, he kept on texting me, asked me to come back and that he'll fix everything. Told me he can't help his feelings for me and that he has made a mistake and wants to make everything right, we met later that night, within hours he told me that we cannot be together. He lied to me to bring me home when I asked him not to lie, I told him I am fine. We talked on and off for a week, he disappeared after a week, phone off and off every social media. I was diagnosed with BPD. I tried every possible way to contact him, even wrote him a letter. After 2 months I went on his door trying to talk, not to get him back but at least know what went wrong, he called the cops on me. He was worried, not for me but that I would harm myself and he would be in trouble.
I have been extremely suicidal for months now. Ordered SN, got meto arranged. I just want to leave.
last night I faced the worst racial abuse, verbally abused and asked to go back to home country. Since last night I am thinking that New Zealand isn't my home and I don't belong to my home country, I don't think I belong anywhere. I feel so empty, tired of this world.
I want to leave so bad. What I have shared here is just tip of the iceberg, I have lived those days, I don't wish a life like this even to my worst enemy. I don't think I deserved all this, life has been extremely unfair.
my first ever memory is my uncle pushing his penis in my mouth, I could barely walk from one place to another, may be 2.5-3 year old, went on for few days. Did not have enough vocabulary to tell this to anyone, did knew that something is just not right.
had a troubled childhood, sexually abused by cousins for months, was about 7-8 year old. again I was too young to understand what was going on. Uncle who abused me committed suicide, I was happy when he died.
Did not have many friends, neglected at family, remember writing on the walls that I want to die around the age of 11-12.
Very very troubled school life, though was good in studies but could not connect with people.
At the age of 13-14 realised that my mom has an extra marital affair, she did her best to hide it from everyone. She was extremely rude to me in my teenage, would punish me by not talking to me for weeks and weeks. She would not talk to be for good 2 weeks in a month. Happened for a long time. I always kept quiet about her affair, she did not know that I knew about it. I never had the courage to say it on her face, she didn't do any good to me as a child but I always respected her.
At the age of 15-16 I told my mom and dad about what happened to me as a child, they didn't react anything. They just kept quiet and ignored everything. I was shattered.
My brother for his own good and to take a revenge from my mother decided to tell my father about her affair, I was about 17 year old then, I kept quiet about her affair all these years, I knew what would happen if I told her or my dad, I felt bad for my dad, didn't like my mom. When my dad finally knew our family was falling apart, everyone was against my mom, I knew she was wrong but I couldn't leave her alone, I knew how harsh everyone was on her, I decided to take a stand for her, to save her and my family. My dad was very disappointed with my stand, I couldn't let her die, she made few suicide attempts, nobody cared. She was caught having two more affairs after that. I always stood by her no matter what.
I came to New Zealand hoping to start a new life, things were extremely hard, last 6 months have been hard. Was dating a guy, he talked about kids and marriage and everything nice, I felt great, he was troubled too, we were getting along well, after 6 months when I asked him about us, he just said we won't talk anymore and that we are done. No reason, no explanation, just decided to end things out of blue. We had a fight once before too, he blamed his Bipolar disorder of it. I was completely losing myself, I left home next day, he kept on texting me, asked me to come back and that he'll fix everything. Told me he can't help his feelings for me and that he has made a mistake and wants to make everything right, we met later that night, within hours he told me that we cannot be together. He lied to me to bring me home when I asked him not to lie, I told him I am fine. We talked on and off for a week, he disappeared after a week, phone off and off every social media. I was diagnosed with BPD. I tried every possible way to contact him, even wrote him a letter. After 2 months I went on his door trying to talk, not to get him back but at least know what went wrong, he called the cops on me. He was worried, not for me but that I would harm myself and he would be in trouble.
I have been extremely suicidal for months now. Ordered SN, got meto arranged. I just want to leave.
last night I faced the worst racial abuse, verbally abused and asked to go back to home country. Since last night I am thinking that New Zealand isn't my home and I don't belong to my home country, I don't think I belong anywhere. I feel so empty, tired of this world.
I want to leave so bad. What I have shared here is just tip of the iceberg, I have lived those days, I don't wish a life like this even to my worst enemy. I don't think I deserved all this, life has been extremely unfair.
