Venting I didn‘t believe my psychiatrist

[stuckpotato]

After many appointments I found out my psychiatrist diagnosed me with bpd. I never wanted to be 'one of these people' as I've known many and I know how hard it ist for everyone around them. So I stopped going to my appointments.
2 years into my relationship and I recognize so many patterns that are toxic and stupid and I hate myself for being this way, for doing this to my partner. I've ruined my relationship with my family and I'm pushing my partner to end this relationship by being the way I am. As much as I try, I can't change my behaviour and my thoughts are exhausting. I cry every goddam night. He can't comfort me, he doesn't understand nor is it his fault. Maybe it's for the better. I know that if he breaks away, it was my absolute last reason to stay here. Yet, I'm the one ruining it, knowing, what the consequences are. Is this maybe what I want? Am I getting rid of reasons to live? What is life good for? I always thought I'd be happy if I have income, an apartment, a car, a partner. I have all of it. Still not enough. Work makes me depressed, I have no social contacts beside him. No hobbies, no plans, only struggles. Maybe it would be better for him and my family. And for me tbh, I just wished I could stop all these thoughts that cross through my mind every day. They make me want to never wake up. I'm just waiting, until then, I'll have to decide for a method so I'm not unprepared and wouldn't have to feel the pain of it all for too long. I don't want any of this anymore.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's understandable why you bristled at the BPD diagnosis but it sounds like you have come to acknowledge and agree with it, right? Do you think seeking treatment for it would be worthwhile?

 

[MonroeSummers]

I feel the same way. The nothingness, will quiet the thoughts always the thoughts, too loud, too seen, to much. I want for us nothing, no existence, no more nothing.

 

[lovedread]

After many appointments I found out my psychiatrist diagnosed me with bpd. I never wanted to be 'one of these people' as I've known many and I know how hard it ist for everyone around them. So I stopped going to my appointments.
2 years into my relationship and I recognize so many patterns that are toxic and stupid and I hate myself for being this way, for doing this to my partner. I've ruined my relationship with my family and I'm pushing my partner to end this relationship by being the way I am. As much as I try, I can't change my behaviour and my thoughts are exhausting. I cry every goddam night. He can't comfort me, he doesn't understand nor is it his fault. Maybe it's for the better. I know that if he breaks away, it was my absolute last reason to stay here. Yet, I'm the one ruining it, knowing, what the consequences are. Is this maybe what I want? Am I getting rid of reasons to live? What is life good for? I always thought I'd be happy if I have income, an apartment, a car, a partner. I have all of it. Still not enough. Work makes me depressed, I have no social contacts beside him. No hobbies, no plans, only struggles. Maybe it would be better for him and my family. And for me tbh, I just wished I could stop all these thoughts that cross through my mind every day. They make me want to never wake up. I'm just waiting, until then, I'll have to decide for a method so I'm not unprepared and wouldn't have to feel the pain of it all for too long. I don't want any of this anymore.

I don't think you should hate yourself for having a disorder. It's something that heavily impairs your ability to self regulate and you're literally just realizing right now how some of your coping mechanisms are maladaptive. Now that you're aware, maybe youll try things differently. You can always go back to treatment (if u want to) nobody will judge you. Getting diagnosed w something can feel like the end of the world/a hopeless situation for anybody. Lots of ppl retract/isolate/feel shame after being diagnosed with anything at all, and bpd is stigmatized to a higher degree so yea. The thing is so many of us do shitty/maladaptive things we dont realize are harmful asf. For me personally i dont have bpd but i am realizing that i am manipulative and kinda really fucked up, but idk it's not like i knew any of this before, like we're just getting awareness so now we have to try to change if that makes sense soz for the rambling lord i just yap on here

 

[itwasallascream]

After many appointments I found out my psychiatrist diagnosed me with bpd. I never wanted to be 'one of these people' as I've known many and I know how hard it ist for everyone around them. So I stopped going to my appointments.
2 years into my relationship and I recognize so many patterns that are toxic and stupid and I hate myself for being this way, for doing this to my partner. I've ruined my relationship with my family and I'm pushing my partner to end this relationship by being the way I am. As much as I try, I can't change my behaviour and my thoughts are exhausting. I cry every goddam night. He can't comfort me, he doesn't understand nor is it his fault. Maybe it's for the better. I know that if he breaks away, it was my absolute last reason to stay here. Yet, I'm the one ruining it, knowing, what the consequences are. Is this maybe what I want? Am I getting rid of reasons to live? What is life good for? I always thought I'd be happy if I have income, an apartment, a car, a partner. I have all of it. Still not enough. Work makes me depressed, I have no social contacts beside him. No hobbies, no plans, only struggles. Maybe it would be better for him and my family. And for me tbh, I just wished I could stop all these thoughts that cross through my mind every day. They make me want to never wake up. I'm just waiting, until then, I'll have to decide for a method so I'm not unprepared and wouldn't have to feel the pain of it all for too long. I don't want any of this anymore.

No judgement at all but this book helped me understand a bit more what is going on with me

01. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - Shari Y. Manning, PhD

24-hour live discussions about Borderline Personality Disorder with other family members

bpdfamily.com