halleyscomet
halley
- Mar 26, 2024
- 310
Hello, sorry I've been absent for a while, I decided to go offline for a bit.
I decided to focus on not really recovery, but trying to surround myself with better media and such. But alas things have gotten much worse for me, so here I am.
My rapist texted me last night. You may have previously seen my posts about him, yeah that guy.
He felt guilty about what he did, and begged for my forgiveness. I decided ultimately not to report him to the police, he's young and I don't want to ruin his life. I pushed my pain aside to comfort him, and give him my blessing to live a full and rich life. He victimised himself, he believes that because he committed the act, the guilt of having done so is worse then the trauma of having it inflicted on you. I comforted him, I told him everything is going to be okay. I gave myself half of the blame to lighten his load, to make him feel better about it all.
He begged me not to ctb out of nowhere, I'm not entirely sure why he believed I was going to ctb. I told him I'll do what I want to. He said he won't be able to live with the guilt of my passing, I don't care.
I don't think he'll hurt another girl, I made it very clear if he even thinks about it I'll put him behind bars. I don't think pressing charges will bring about any sort of justice. My life has been ruined for a very long time, I've been abused a lot, this isn't a new thing for me. But he's had a good life, he hurt me sure, but I don't want to drag him down with me. He deserves a chance, whether I like it or not.
But now I feel trapped, I feel like if I ctb I will ruin his life, much more then he did mine. I have someone else, who really cares about me, I will ruin their life also.
I've put so much effort into loving people the best I can, but now it's left me trapped. I'm so deeply miserable, I don't want to live like this anymore. But what choice do I have now? If I die I'm going to ruin so many lives. I feel so selfish and guilty. I feel like my existence causes so much pain to others, because I know it will end in ctb.
I just want out so badly, but I'm so conflicted. I'd never want to cause pain to others, but the pain I shoulder is just too much to bare. I can't tell anyone how much I'm suffering, because it'll hurt them. It's all just too much for me to carry.
I just can't live like this anymore.
I decided to focus on not really recovery, but trying to surround myself with better media and such. But alas things have gotten much worse for me, so here I am.
My rapist texted me last night. You may have previously seen my posts about him, yeah that guy.
He felt guilty about what he did, and begged for my forgiveness. I decided ultimately not to report him to the police, he's young and I don't want to ruin his life. I pushed my pain aside to comfort him, and give him my blessing to live a full and rich life. He victimised himself, he believes that because he committed the act, the guilt of having done so is worse then the trauma of having it inflicted on you. I comforted him, I told him everything is going to be okay. I gave myself half of the blame to lighten his load, to make him feel better about it all.
He begged me not to ctb out of nowhere, I'm not entirely sure why he believed I was going to ctb. I told him I'll do what I want to. He said he won't be able to live with the guilt of my passing, I don't care.
I don't think he'll hurt another girl, I made it very clear if he even thinks about it I'll put him behind bars. I don't think pressing charges will bring about any sort of justice. My life has been ruined for a very long time, I've been abused a lot, this isn't a new thing for me. But he's had a good life, he hurt me sure, but I don't want to drag him down with me. He deserves a chance, whether I like it or not.
But now I feel trapped, I feel like if I ctb I will ruin his life, much more then he did mine. I have someone else, who really cares about me, I will ruin their life also.
I've put so much effort into loving people the best I can, but now it's left me trapped. I'm so deeply miserable, I don't want to live like this anymore. But what choice do I have now? If I die I'm going to ruin so many lives. I feel so selfish and guilty. I feel like my existence causes so much pain to others, because I know it will end in ctb.
I just want out so badly, but I'm so conflicted. I'd never want to cause pain to others, but the pain I shoulder is just too much to bare. I can't tell anyone how much I'm suffering, because it'll hurt them. It's all just too much for me to carry.
I just can't live like this anymore.