Venting I did not choose to exist

[Yume Nikki]

Recently, I stumbled upon a pro-life comment on a suicide video claiming that every single human being chooses to exist. Our parents weren't the ones who dragged us into this life, but somehow we agreed to it alone.

I did not choose to be here because I had no concept of human consciousness, A reproductive cell fertilizing an egg is not the same as a fully-developed adult. My mom made a selfish decision to create me with the help of my abusive father, who wasn't even fit to be a parent. If I could prevent myself from living a shitty upbringing, I would. To imply that I wanted to be here and suffer from abuse is disgusting. He would physically attack me as child, throw my brother off the bed, call me ugly in my school photos, said I would jump off a balcony one day, beat my mom several times, violently scream at everything I did, grabbed my mom's belongings and smashed them to the ground, and walked around exposed when I was a literal kid. I've had strangers call the cops on that crazy asshole several times throughout my life because he was insufferable. Who the fuck agrees to grow up in a dysfunctional hell? Do these people think I want to suffer just for the sake of existing????

I have multiple disabilities, mental health issues, and chronic conditions such as memory loss due to my mom's idiotic choices to have me with a person not fit to be a parent. I know it's shitty to say, but I'm kind of happy my dad is dead, Even though I have my peace, the trauma will stick with me forever.

Sorry for the long tangent rant, I'm just tired of people acting like everyone wants to be here.

 

[Crow_88]

I should have never been born. 100%

 

[Dingo67]

A lot of people won't ever understand. It doesn't really matter. It's not like it diminishes or invaildates anyone else's experience of not wanting or not choosing to live. If you decide you don't want to live, both your body and society will do everything in their power to stop you. It's just biology and then other people's culture/religion/emotions etc. That's all.

 

[Hollowman]

My mom chose someone who wasn't fit to be a parent too. Sorry

 

[Namelesa]

I wouldn't say that you being happy about dad being dead is shitty as I would say being an abusive parent is the worst thing you can ever be as you are not just causing suffering onto someone, but that you also created this person so its entirely your fault that they are in pain so its totally understandable that you are glad they are gone from your life. Its unfair for any of us that we were forced into this mess of a world and had to go through any of pain and trauma we have experienced. No one should be forced to go through anything painful or risky.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

Recently, I stumbled upon a pro-life comment on a suicide video claiming that every single human being chooses to exist. Our parents weren't the ones who dragged us into this life, but somehow we agreed to it alone.

I did not choose to be here because I had no concept of human consciousness, A reproductive cell fertilizing an egg is not the same as a fully-developed adult. My mom made a selfish decision to create me with the help of my abusive father, who wasn't even fit to be a parent. If I could prevent myself from living a shitty upbringing, I would. To imply that I wanted to be here and suffer from the abuse of my father is disgusting. He would physically attack me as child, throw my brother off the bed, call me ugly in my school photos, said I would jump off a balcony one day, beat my mom several times, violently scream at everything I did, grabbed my mom's belongings and smashed them to the ground, and walked around exposed when I was a literal kid. I've had strangers call the cops on that crazy asshole several times throughout my life because he was insufferable. Who the fuck agrees to grow up in a dysfunctional hell? Do these people think I want to suffer just for the sake of existing????

I have multiple disabilities, mental health issues, and chronic conditions such as memory loss due to my mom's idiotic choices to have me with a person not fit to be a parent. I know it's shitty to say, but I'm kind of happy my dad is dead, Even though I have my peace, the trauma will stick with me forever.

Sorry for the long tangent rant, I'm just tired of people acting like everyone wants to be here.

I feel the same as you. I never chose to be here and knew before the age of 10 that my life sucked and wouldn't get better. I was 100% right. Like you, I was verbally and physically abused, but by my mom from my earliest memories of life. She seemed irritated at my very presence & never told me she loved me. She forced me (and my younger sister) to lie as a child to my father, her husband and act as an alibi for her cheating with other men. My dad told me he loved me each day but neither taught us much, supported us, asked what we wanted to do with our lives, etc. We were just existing and I made my first ctb attempt on the night of my 13th birthday. Hell no I didn't choose to be here. I am only here because people who don't know me or give a damn about me block euthanasia in the US. So here I am with you. Trapped

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia (42/M). I can relate with the title of your post/thread. But my life's story is different from yours. But I've still come into the same conclusion for two reasons:

1) I'm a failure/loser. A sad, pathetic middle-aged guy who is just a waste of space & oxygen, a wasted potential & talents, & a person that shouldn't exist, but yet still exist anyway..

2) I hate this world, life, society, existence, & especially reality. Reality is very limiting, constraining, & boring, mundane, dull, also stupid, ridiculous, unfair, random, chaotic, senseless, & depressing (at least for me personally.. )

i wish i could just disappear into non-existence, oblivion, & dust.. (if only Thanos were real, but sadly that's not the harsh reality.. )
it f*cking sucks seriously that the *ONLY* way out / exit this life (it's not even a 'game'!) is through painful, hard/difficult suicide (ctb)..
so that's why a lot of us are still here, feeling stuck & trapped everyday..

 

[Yume Nikki]

A lot of people won't ever understand. It doesn't really matter. It's not like it diminishes or invaildates anyone else's experience of not wanting or not choosing to live. If you decide you don't want to live, both your body and society will do everything in their power to stop you. It's just biology and then other people's culture/religion/emotions etc. That's all.

It is dismissive. It's a way of saying that we have control over how we came to exist, or that we can somehow prevent certain things from happening to us.

Putting accountability on the victim rather than the people who are responsible for your upbringing is essentially gaslighting suicidal people to believe that they were the cause of their own suffering.

It doesn't matter if it's a personal belief, that doesn't make it any less harmful.

I wouldn't say that you being happy about dad being dead is shitty as I would say being an abusive parent is the worst thing you can ever be as you are not just causing suffering onto someone, but that you also created this person so its entirely your fault that they are in pain so its totally understandable that you are glad they are gone from your life. Its unfair for any of us that we were forced into this mess of a world and had to go through any of pain and trauma we have experienced. No one should be forced to go through anything painful or risky.

Even if I feel a shred of relief that he is gone, I still mourn over being robbed of a normal childhood, which I'm sure many of us here can relate to.

I could never understand how other kids my age would have healthy functional providing fathers while I was stuck with some guy who happened to be my mom's sperm donor. Any movie that had a caring supportive dad in it felt like pure fiction. Imagine any kid who dealt with abuse having to watch films and tv shows showcasing something that they will never be able to relate to, parents who loved them. My dad wasn't a dad, he didn't want to be.

People who endure abuse from relatives will never be able to experience what it is like to have a normal family unit because it was stolen from them since birth. That's why they say that life in itself is a lottery because you don't know what you'll end up with and pro-lifers will somehow try to blame us for being disappointed about the suffering we endured caused by others.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's a very strange concept- the whole- we choose to be born, even that we pick out our individual life. I do know people who believe it though. It's not like they had an easy life either. It just floors me too- why would anyone choose this?!! But then, I don't entirely understand why parents choose to do it either. Not if they really thought about all the risks they would be exposing that child to.

The only think I can think of is that they lie to us about what life is like. Imagine some pushy travel rep trying to book you in for lots of expensive excursions. Or, where we were before was so bad that living on earth seemed like the better option. Or lastly, the 'reward' for getting through life seems so appealing, we decided to give it a shot. Otherwise, hell no. Why would anyone choose to suffer? Actually though, I've known religious people almost revel in their suffering. They saw it as a more pious way to live.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as more than anything I wish I never suffered in this existence, I never would have wished for or chosen any of this, I'd always prefer to not exist but only never existing is really ideal to me, the fact that this existence of unnecessary suffering and cruelty was even imposed that there was never a need for at all is so dreadful to me.

 

[DarkestSoul]

I was born with no choice of mine ; and guess what
I was born with a genetic disorder that will be with me as long as i live

On top of that this society and the mindset of people which has been programmed in certain way that if something or someone dare say or do or be which isn't in their definition of "ordinary being" they cast them out
Hate them
Belittle them
Humiliate them on every chance they got

Plus the life
Life itself is cruel and suffocating

Humans don't want to give you a chance to choose
In birth and in death
They behave like we are talking about extinction of an entire species or humiliation of divine deities

For fuck's sake
it's our fucking life
We can choose to do whatever we want with it as long as we are not putting others in harm's way or something like that

But no

They want to be judge jury and executioner of your life and sentence you to a life of suffering
Like a dictator

And if you don't comply; you'd be branded as mentally ill and sent off to a therapist and worst a mental hospital.

This existence is meaningless.
Would love to leave this world behind ASAP.

 

[kinderjaa]

10000000 percent agreed

I understand as more than anything I wish I never suffered in this existence, I never would have wished for or chosen any of this, I'd always prefer to not exist but only never existing is really ideal to me, the fact that this existence of unnecessary suffering and cruelty was even imposed that there was never a need for at all is so dreadful to me.