I did it but still no one saw

[AnonymouslyBlue]

I cut my wrist a week ago, I posted about it on SS and as mentioned in that post I didn't do it with the intention of ending my life. That isn't how I want to go, it was just an act of desperation to do damage and for a few seconds go into a blank state where I don't feel anything. It felt like that was the only way to really do something major enough to get them to notice that something is wrong.

In the end, I ended up getting scared because of how much blood I was losing and knew that I might as well tell my mom immediately than have her see it the next morning. So I told her, she helped clean it up and bandage it, sat down with me with a warm cup of tea and I told her. About how lonely I feel, about how hard the past few years have been and how I am struggling to put everything in its place and the biggest secret I've been hiding from her - how I don't want to be alive anymore. She broke, held me close and told me how much she loves me and how much she needs me here. Alive. In her life.

I want to say that it was an eye-opener, that it shook me out of the stupor I was in and I've come to the conclusion that I can't do that to her but, to be honest, it didn't. I regret doing what I did mainly because of how ugly the scar will be and how many people will see what I've done and judge me without even knowing the story behind it. But I still want to CTB, still thinking of all the ways I can do it without being caught too soon.

The morning after I cut myself and after my mom and I's talk, she acted as if nothing had happened and I guess I didn't really know how to act seeing as just a few hours prior I had told her how much I was struggling, that I needed help because going forward I will end up ending my own life. She didn't act differently, it was if everything had been forgotten. I like to say that I'm grateful she didn't bombard me with questions and drive me to the hospital and put me in a clinic, but I guess I was expecting something else? Something a little more than the routine we had found since my return back to the country.

The same happened with my SO when I told him, he was upset of what I had done for about an hour before we got to talking about his football and how the Coronavirus has affected everything in Dubai, but during the past week, he's never asked about how I am doing or how it's healing or asked me to talk to him about why I did what I did. And I'm not saying that I want to tell him, but again, I guess I just expected something a little bit more?

I then ended up telling my friend, he was concerned and got mad at me for not coming to him so that he could try to prevent me from hurting myself the way I did. I'm not angry at him for getting mad, but I was disappointed with the things that he said and the way he handled the situation, making me feel guilty for not 'trusting' him enough to go to him when I needed help in those moments. It's been a couple of days and again, he doesn't bring it up or ask me about it. Acts like it didn't happen.

It's really as though nothing has happened, that whatever I have said and asked for has been swept under the rug and I don't know how to act about all of this. I asked for help, did something horrible and it's like it really doesn't matter? I know it does, I know that they care - but I guess it feels like what I've done isn't a reason to raise a concern or worry about?

I don't know what else to do, should I continue asking for help? I don't want to constantly go to them and say that I need someone, need help because all the times that I have before they don't seem to realize the weight of my words and even now, after knowing full well what I've done - it's like they don't see what I do.

I want help, despite me wanting to CTB I do want help.

What else can I do? I can't go to a psychologist by myself I don't have the money for it. And I'm not on any medical insurance seeing as I'm no longer under my mom or stepdad's insurance because I live overseas.

What would you guys do in a situation like this? The urge to harm myself again (worse) is so overwhelming I'm nauseous all the time but I don't want to end up with a horrifically worse scar to carry around for life and I don't want to call my mom again to help me clean up.

Please can someone tell me what I should do, because I'm really at a loss of what to do here?

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey love. I'm sorry to hear of ur struggles, but happy that u opened up to ur mom n others about them...Good for u!

But was wondering if maybe ur culture makes it difficult for ur mom or others to discuss these issues with u, so they kinda "sweep it under the rug"?

I would def ask for help. Ur mom might b afraid to confront the issue n figures if she "ignores the problem, it will go away." My mom is the same way..

Keep asking for help n don't suffer alone...U did the right thing honey..I'm here for u..xoxo

 

[Canet take it anymor]

Yes dear, you did very well. Maybe if you talk again to your mother, don't you think she might be able to help you? I think she got scared and don't know how she could help you. More than everybody else, your mum loves you a lot, i believe, and she is the right person to help you and to guide you. Sorry for my bad english. Big kisses

 

[k75]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think it sounds like the people you opened up to care about you a great deal. The way they're acting now might seem like they are not caring and didn't understand, but it might really be that they just don't know what you need from them. Most people won't just come out and ask and instead will look to you for cues. If you don't tell them you want more and also act like nothing happened, then they will take the "easy" way out and pretend as well. Maybe they are scared bringing it up again will make you feel bad. Maybe they assume you just needed to talk that one time. Maybe they're feeling awkward and afraid, so it's a kind of relief to act like things are normal. I bet it is on their minds, though.

You did a good and brave thing by opening up to begin with. You've done the hardest part, and now you know they are willing to help and not freak out. You have a chance to form a support system with them if that's what you want. But chances are, they aren't mind readers, so now you need to advocate for yourself and tell them what you need them to do. Show them how to help you best. If you don't know, say that. Tell your mom you need help but don't know what to do. And keep at it until you get results you want. Because like I said, if you seem normal, they'll think everything is normal and the crisis is over.

 

[autumnal]

People unfamiliar with mental illness and suicide often don't know how to react to these kind of events. While they were compassionate when you told them, they don't know what kind of follow-up to offer and so assume that acting normally again will help make you feel normal (non-suicidal) again.

From the tone of your post, it seems like you are expecting other people to take more forceful and dramatic steps with you to prevent your suicide. My question is why you can't take those same steps yourself. Go to your local emergency department and say you have self-harmed and are constantly feeling suicidal to the point of nausea etc. If they don't admit you to a psychiatric ward, they should at least connect you with community treatment services who will check up on you strictly and regularly. They may also be able to connect you with publicly-funded therapy and/or medications which help get around your insurance issues. Getting support from family and friends is good, as others have already commented, but if you want the full mental health system experience then you may well need to initiate it yourself.

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

It's sad but cutting doesn't really make anyone treat you differently, nor does it automatically cause people to be more mindful of you. It's just a thing people get upset about and then don't want to talk about again, probably because it upsets them and they don't know what to do. I've also made the same mistake in thinking self harm would force people to see that I wasn't okay, and that I needed help. But it didn't stop people from seeing me as someone who was strong and could handle it. Which isn't that bad honestly, but it was a real eye opener on how everyone views mental health of another person as not their responsibility.