I did everything in life I was supposed to do...still failed. Anybody else?

[rebelsue]

One of the main reasons I can't take suicide off the table is that I have flushed my life down the toilet. And not by making bad choices like drinking and doing drugs and fucking around, committing crimes, lying, cheating, etc. I was a really REALLY good kid. Very well behaved, never got in trouble at school, got good grades, was nice to other kids (even though they treated me like shit), never did any drugs, never drank before age 21, didn't have sex until 24, did everything my parents said would give me a good life. I went to college and studied a STEM field during the early 2000s on scholarships when college was still affordable and so I don't have any student loans. I worked super hard. I was adventurous and bold, I always threw myself into everything I did. I went full on 100% and believed in myself. I have put in the late hours and the sleepless nights and squeezed every bit of skill and knowledge out of my brain. I have met deadlines and gone above and beyond for employers. Yet, so many careers have not worked out.

My folly is that I am emotionally sensitive. That was a thread that ran through everything, what made me socially unlikable and they don't tell you that job hunting and career building are 99% people skills. Nobody told me that I needed to look at the job market. And even if I did, the job market changes while you're IN school sometimes. And it's often too late to change tracks. I have a masters degree now, also in science, and am not qualified for any jobs.

I don't have any skills that people think are worth paying money for. I have no income yet I work 40+ hours a week. I am working on some entrepreneurial things that might someday lead to income, but they have not yet. So I bust my ass ... i keep going and doing. Will this end up the same way as everything else? Probably. I wish I wanted less. I wish I didn't dream big ever.

I have the rope ready and have practiced a bunch. I had my SN confiscated but I could get more I'm pretty sure. There's a portal out of this hell. I wanted something to work out so I could feel good about myself but nothing has. I played by the rules and still lost the game. I guess that happens sometimes. I think it's really cruel for therapists to convince people like me to take suicide off the table and commit to handling whatever comes my way. They don't know what it's like. They are a therapist -- they have a career. They have a purpose in the world. They have a title they can tell people. They have money to survive. How dare they tell me to stay here and suffer? They wouldn't last a day in my shoes.

 

[LMLN]

I'm so sorry for your circumstances. I did everything right as well, and it got me nowhere. It got me in a bad place and everything still went to shit. I guess I should not have listened to all those people with advice about the "right" things to do. It wrecked my life.

 

[GiveUp]

I'm sorry it hasn't all worked out and been worthwhile :(
You come across as educated and well-rounded from your written expression. It's such a shame it's been for nothing. I can relate to that. I did (almost) the things you're supposed to do (studied, travelled, worked) and it didn't work out in the end and I give up too. I get it.
And I think you sound pretty cool!

 

[AcornUnderground]

I'm with you. I did great in school, I've worked my ass off since I was 13 and built a wonderful life and home. Dream job for 20 years followed by another dream job these past few years. Beautiful children, horribly abusive marriage that is probably what got me physically ill in the first place. Looking back in pictures, I fell sick somewhere 2010-2014 and it's driving me crazy that I let it happen and didn't notice - I was too busy doing everything else for everyone else. My health, body and life were ruined and now my children's lives as collateral damage. Looking back, it was apparent and no one, including me, noticed. It really sucks when you can say you loved people, life, and tried your best and still dealt a shitty hand. I'm so sorry and I understand.

 

[rebelsue]

I'm sorry it hasn't all worked out and been worthwhile :(
You come across as educated and well-rounded from your written expression. It's such a shame it's been for nothing. I can relate to that. I did (almost) the things you're supposed to do (studied, travelled, worked) and it didn't work out in the end and I give up too. I get it.
And I think you sound pretty cool!

It is a shame, really. I had a lot I could have done with my mind. It's very sad. I am crying right now, actually. It makes me cry really hard whenever I think about what could have been.

 

[Epsilon0]

I know what you mean.

I played by the rules all my life: I was parents' pride, teachers' pet, bosses' favourite employee.

And I still ended up here.

Playing by the rules is not the secret to a successful life. I wish I had known that when I was young.

 

[oneside]

Here õ/

My reasons to ctb are very similar to yours.

I also did everything right in my life. When I thought I was going to finally succeed, I got fired (they claimed they no longer needed my skills). But, then, I decided to be my own boss... Entrepreneurship was always my passion, but yet, even being too much qualified and putting too much money on it, I was unable to go so far.

It became obvious to me that this world is based on luck only. Even those motivational speechs about entrepreneurship doesn't make sense to me anymore. "You have to persist", "Consistency is the key to success" and blah, blah, blah... Well, I strived for over 8 years, and yet here I am, 0 results.

Some people say you have to be hopeful about your future; I say hope is the problem, the more you have, more you suffer.

 

[alizee]

Everyone has there own unique life and where some commit suicide from pain even when they did everything right. I was a good kid growing up under the circumstances of what was around me. I happen to be transgender. I wasn't able to transition young and puberty basically destroyed my chance of a normal life because of religion mixed in with parents & the community being against transgender people while I was young to adulthood. I'm just trying to get medical assistance in dying now before I hang myself. I really did try to do everything right under the circumstances. All was a waste and people that abused me with doing less ended up with a better life than me.

 

[Mr2005]

I just failed.

 

[Epsilon0]

I just failed.

You did not fail, you are differently successful :-)

 

[itsallover]

Same here

 

[qwerty32]

Playing by the rules is not the secret to a successful life. I wish I had known that when I was young.

I wish I knew that too.

 

[itsallover]

I tried to do everything right and just got completely shit on by society. Fuck it already these animals can have this virus infested world till it tanks which is pretty soon.

 

[rebelsue]

Everyone has there own unique life and where some commit suicide from pain even when they did everything right. I was a good kid growing up under the circumstances of what was around me. I happen to be transgender. I wasn't able to transition young and puberty basically destroyed my chance of a normal life because of religion mixed in with parents & the community being against transgender people while I was young to adulthood. I'm just trying to get medical assistance in dying now befor

I wish I knew that too.

Same here.

My brother was the "bad kid" and he's doing great now. It's because he had confidence and asserted his independence from our parents. I did what they told me. How was I supposed to know at that age what success in life really took? I didn't rebel at all because I was told rebelling turns you into a criminal low life. They all thought my brother would be the one who would fail at life. But nope, it was me.

 

[frostedreef]

I'm sorry your suffering. I think you do have the skills and education people will pay for. But it seems like as you alluded to, that people skills is what you lack. I have a sister who raised his son to concentrate on grades and nothing else. He has an engineering degree from a prestigious school but can't find a job. My nephew has zero social skills. He doesn't even bother to text back the word "ok" if people text him.

 

[GiveUp]

It is a shame, really. I had a lot I could have done with my mind. It's very sad. I am crying right now, actually. It makes me cry really hard whenever I think about what could have been.

I feel you and I wanna hug you and cry with you!

 

[Quarky00]

Same .. I always done the right thing , but being oversensitive , and getting hit from all directions ; while job market terrible in last decade .

(1) I learned that hard way that things don't work out for you just based on merits , or being good & fair -- but based on those "people skills" -- that have become quite insane . It's basically self promotion/PR , being over friendly (fake) , making "connections" , false impressions , tons of small social/emotional "quid-pro-quos" , being pushy/initiate , etc .

(2) As mentioned here a lot , and I experienced as well , jobs are crazy and Masters are not enough . There's inflation in higher education . Sometimes there is real inflation in positions . Sometimes sadly people are hired based on "chemistry" . You can go through lots of tests that really show your ability , but it's up to the team supervisor likings of you . I was on a hiring committee and saw that myself: people were hired based on whims . If you had to select out of 5 competent applicants , surely you'd go for the one you like .. And that would mostly be based on first [wrong] impression . Bad employees stayed longer not because they were better at doing their job -- but because they were better at surviving (manipulating) people around them ... :/

* I worked a lot through the 1990s and 2000s (and I bothered to thoroughly survey some who worked in the 1980s etc) -- and it just wasn't like that . Honest hard working people were welcomed regardless ; and everything paid better. ( ** I'd be fine working a "dead end" job had it paid fairly) .

 

[ladolcemorte]

I can relate to this. I am very well educated, worked very hard through all three of my degrees.i was always in the library. I used to get excited when 24 hour library service started before exams. I really was in there for 24 hours straight on many occasions. Other students were out at the bars, but I was working hard.

Same thing throughout my career: many, many late nights at the office. I tried so hard and it all blew up anyway.

 

[rebelsue]

I feel you and I wanna hug you and cry with you!

I legitimately wish you could. I really need that right now. Somebody who really knows what this feels like to just empathize without judgment. Somebody to mourn with me.

Same .. I always done the right thing , but being oversensitive , and getting hit from all directions ; while job market terrible in last decade .

(1) I learned that hard way that things don't work out for you just based on merits , or being good & fair -- but based on those "people skills" -- that have become quite insane . It's basically self promotion/PR , being over friendly (fake) , making "connections" , false impressions , tons of small social/emotional "quid-pro-quos" , being pushy/initiate , etc .

(2) As mentioned here a lot , and I experienced as well , jobs are crazy and Masters are not enough . There's inflation in higher education . Sometimes there is real inflation in positions . Sometimes sadly people are hired based on "chemistry" . You can go through lots of tests that really show your ability , but it's up to the team supervisor likings of you . I was on a hiring committee and saw that myself: people were hired based on whims . If you had to select out of 5 competent applicants , surely you'd go for the one you like .. And that would mostly be based on first [wrong] impression . Bad employees stayed longer not because they were better at doing their job -- but because they were better at surviving (manipulating) people around them ... :/

* I worked a lot through the 1990s and 2000s (and I bothered to thoroughly survey some who worked in the 1980s etc) -- and it just wasn't like that . Honest hard working people were welcomed regardless ; and everything paid better. ( ** I'd be fine working a "dead end" job had it paid fairly) .

I hear you 100%. I was a teenager in the 90s and I saw my parents able to do pretty well despite their colossally shitty personalities.

Right now, the thing that really ruined me was a 5 year resume gap because of health issues I endured in my 20s. When I was a junior in college, I got diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. it was a really bad case. I barely finished school. I moved in with my abusive parents and because of my health issues I became obsessed with alternative medicine, and ended up taking a massive diversion in my career and tried to study it formally -- i wasted so much tuition money and time on pseudoscience. I eventually came to my senses a few years in, and I was still in my mid 20s and would have still had time to recover, but I actually ended up getting even sicker until I couldn't work anymore. I don't include the years between 2005-2010 on my resume because it's too confusing. From 2005-2006 I ran off to south america to live on an eco village. Thought I was doing the right thing -- don't just talk about sustainability and natural living. Do it! Live it! Then I came back and started Naturopathic Medical School. I realized a month in that it was a scam and not a rigorous education. My health was failing even more and I had to drop out anyway. I did get a real job in my field for about 10 months and then had a really really bad flare that almost killed me and then had to quit and move back in with my abusive parents AGAIN at the end of 2007. Then from 2008-2010 I did a controversial medical treatment out of desperation to get well and get my life back, and it almost killed me again. After that I gave up and things started looking better because I got on some meds that worked for a little while... I resigned myself to working part time and returned to the workforce in 2010. I still had a rocky start there because between 2010-2011 the drugs failed and so I had surgeries to finally actually correct the ulcerative colitis. it was a last resort. I did get better and started working full time in 2011.

But "gaps in work history are a red flag" so says every single hiring article on the internet. Are they? Are they a red flag? It's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. I am qualified, hard working, smart, and willing. But because of that 5 year gap, I am an untouchable. I will never get a job. The few that I did have, I didn't know at the time, were the best I was ever going to get. I should never have quit my dead end lab technician job for 28K a year with the abusive boss. It was the last full time job I ever had and I left that in 2013 to try to move up the ladder. I fell off the ladder -- found out that nobody wants to hire a person with a 5 year gap. That one professor was just a fluke. Now it's been 15 years since college and I've still only worked entry level and part time positions. I am almost 40 and college kids are more qualified than I am to work in my field of study. I never get to use everything I've been trained to do. I have published 7 scientific journal articles and I don't even have a PhD. What the fuck? Clearly I can do work and I'm not just all talk or all classroom. I can literally do original scientific work.

If people had just looked at what I could do, and ignored that stupid myth that gaps in work history are a red flag, I'd be okay right now.

 

[GiveUp]

I legitimately wish you could. I really need that right now. Somebody who really knows what this feels like to just empathize without judgment. Somebody to mourn with me

It's ok to cry and be sad when life goes tits up. It's ok. You are not invincible. You are human. You've had a tough time and it's ok to cry and to hate it.

 

[rebelsue]

It's ok to cry and be sad when life goes tits up. It's ok. You are not invincible. You are human. You've had a tough time and it's ok to cry and to hate it.

Thank you kind stranger.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I lived through hell, failure after failure, rejection, exploitation and abuse. Finally found my happy place in life, but, right now it is being slowly torn away from me. Clinging to it for dear life, because it is my life at stake here literally. If I lose this, it will devastate me and I will have to give up. Too tired and beat down to start over.

 

[GiveUp]

Thank you kind stranger.

I think you sound like a cool person, whoever you are!

 

[Otter]

I legitimately wish you could. I really need that right now. Somebody who really knows what this feels like to just empathize without judgment. Somebody to mourn with me.

I hear you 100%. I was a teenager in the 90s and I saw my parents able to do pretty well despite their colossally shitty personalities.

Right now, the thing that really ruined me was a 5 year resume gap because of health issues I endured in my 20s. When I was a junior in college, I got diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. it was a really bad case. I barely finished school. I moved in with my abusive parents and because of my health issues I became obsessed with alternative medicine, and ended up taking a massive diversion in my career and tried to study it formally -- i wasted so much tuition money and time on pseudoscience. I eventually came to my senses a few years in, and I was still in my mid 20s and would have still had time to recover, but I actually ended up getting even sicker until I couldn't work anymore. I don't include the years between 2005-2010 on my resume because it's too confusing. From 2005-2006 I ran off to south america to live on an eco village. Thought I was doing the right thing -- don't just talk about sustainability and natural living. Do it! Live it! Then I came back and started Naturopathic Medical School. I realized a month in that it was a scam and not a rigorous education. My health was failing even more and I had to drop out anyway. I did get a real job in my field for about 10 months and then had a really really bad flare that almost killed me and then had to quit and move back in with my abusive parents AGAIN at the end of 2007. Then from 2008-2010 I did a controversial medical treatment out of desperation to get well and get my life back, and it almost killed me again. After that I gave up and things started looking better because I got on some meds that worked for a little while... I resigned myself to working part time and returned to the workforce in 2010. I still had a rocky start there because between 2010-2011 the drugs failed and so I had surgeries to finally actually correct the ulcerative colitis. it was a last resort. I did get better and started working full time in 2011.

But "gaps in work history are a red flag" so says every single hiring article on the internet. Are they? Are they a red flag? It's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. I am qualified, hard working, smart, and willing. But because of that 5 year gap, I am an untouchable. I will never get a job. The few that I did have, I didn't know at the time, were the best I was ever going to get. I should never have quit my dead end lab technician job for 28K a year with the abusive boss. It was the last full time job I ever had and I left that in 2013 to try to move up the ladder. I fell off the ladder -- found out that nobody wants to hire a person with a 5 year gap. That one professor was just a fluke. Now it's been 15 years since college and I've still only worked entry level and part time positions. I am almost 40 and college kids are more qualified than I am to work in my field of study. I never get to use everything I've been trained to do. I have published 7 scientific journal articles and I don't even have a PhD. What the fuck? Clearly I can do work and I'm not just all talk or all classroom. I can literally do original scientific work.

If people had just looked at what I could do, and ignored that stupid myth that gaps in work history are a red flag, I'd be okay right now.

Have you ever thought about a job called "technical writing" for writing grants?

 

[J113632]

That's the thing with growing up. Everybody tells you over and over to do this and take that path and it will all be ok. Nobody has the guts to be honest and say that ultimately you can do everything right and still end up at the point all of us are at. To still be confused, empty, and suicidal. Everybody will tell you to hang in there and keep trying but those same people, at least in my case, were all drug addicts and alcoholics. They say what leads to fulfillment with complete confidence while having none for themselves.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

I'm also a forever student who busts my ass for an imaginary job that i might have someday if I manage to survive the never ending degree I've already payed for. There is no end to spinning my wheels it seems. Can relate to that part for sure

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Oh wow, this was the type of reply I wanted to leave for the thread "what do you regret doing in your 20s?" Absolutely nothing. I played by all the rules, didn't party, didn't drink/ smoke, didn't do drugs, studied and paid for my fancy degrees myself, worked day and night to keep my bosses happy... And I was rewarded with burnout which masked a serious illness. Now I wish I would have just partied all through my 20s, I'd have lived life as they say

 

[waterbottleman]

Oh wow, this was the type of reply I wanted to leave for the thread "what do you regret doing in your 20s?" Absolutely nothing. I played by all the rules, didn't party, didn't drink/ smoke, didn't do drugs, studied and paid for my fancy degrees myself, worked day and night to keep my bosses happy... And I was rewarded with burnout which masked a serious illness. Now I wish I would have just partied all through my 20s, I'd have lived life as they say

I feel the same way, however I also know myself enough to know that I wouldn't have been happy either had I done that in my twenties.I'm too anxious of a person I would have worried about my performance at school, my future, etc. In addition given my poor social skills question whether I would have actually enjoyed doing those things. Also for most of my twenties I was a lot more of a negative and cynical person than I am now so I doubt that would have helped either.

 

[rebelsue]

Have you ever thought about a job called "technical writing" for writing grants?

Interesting you should say that. I am looking for technicial writing jobs right now. It's hard to find ones for biology that don't require medical or pharmaceutical experience, though. I am frustrated with this job search.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Similar here. Worked hard, studied hard, couldn't deal with depression and the help i sought made it worse so I self medicated with booze. And it worked. But after 25 years of drinking payback is awful. That's why I'm here. Bad coping mechanism. Did everything else right but still ended up here from mu own choices.