I did everything I could in my marriage... I believe it now and in a way I feel worse.

[Graknil]

July of 2022 I arrived at my mom's house with my car so full of stuff I had used the front windows controls to crack the rear windows to shove a last few things in. I was in my mid 40's comfortably retired, and basically homeless. My wife who hasn't worked a day since 2010 was given our home in the divorce. Family court in my country is a twisted joke where the less you contributed to a relationship the more you are given to be equal. Life advice that should be on every sign on every highway. Get a pre-nup. If one doesn't have the maturity, the communication, and the will to sit down and have it made. One should not be getting married. I would wake saying "I was a good husband"... It mattered to me a lot. I supported us, I usually made dinner, I maintained the cars. When she wanted a garden I rented a rototiller and put one in. She wanted to a adopt a wild horse from the penitentiary in Denver that is in the documentary. I took leave and drove. I am kinky. I have been into BDSM my whole life. Some bedroom she enjoyed but anymore than that terrified her. The term is kink shaming and she had it on lock. I entered the marriage wanting healthy communication. Our first argument within the first few weeks I tried to teach her the "anatomy of an apology". I didn't want the resentment to build like it did in my last relationships. 13 years later 6 months before the divorce and my wife (ex) is yelling. She can't apologize because unless it is done just right I won't accept it. When I was learning the anatomy of an apology, it was only directly spelled out a few places. So it seemed newish. My girlfriend kept saying supportive things about my ex-wife in the beginning. To the point she had my primed to expect blame when I talked about the marriage. So when I was talking to my therapist for the first time. I led with "It takes two to make a relationship work" to get the bullshit out of the way. And he replied "that is true and only one to make it fail." It was my first time hearing that it wasn't my fault that the divorce had happened. As I described what I had learned in marriage counselling and how I had tried to ensure healthy communication. He said I had done as much I could be expected to do. I tried to have a healthy marriage. I heard his words and couldn't believe them. I felt robbed and betrayed and hated myself. As I said I am kinky. I went to a 3 day online seminar for people into D/s. Out of the 9 seminars I zoomed. 3 specifically mentioned a healthy apology in a relationship. I was doing it right. Her using the fact it had to be just right as a reason that she could not apologize for 13 years was bullshit on her part. She had never apologized once that would be taking accountability and she was never going to do that. She was justifying my mistreatment to my face. I believe my therapist now. The confusion and heartache is just replaced with a deep empty sadness. The time her truck got stuck in the mud and I crawled under it and locked it back into 4-wheel drive with a screwdriver. Was for nothing, her response trying to use that day is proof I was a good partner was "I was never going to let her forget that day". The time her horse rigged its face open on a fence. I am not talking a cut, I mean pounds of flesh torn free. I was fresh home from Afghanistan. After helping with litter transport. My wife ran and tried not to throw up and I still deep into blood PTSD calmed the horse and put her on the trailer. I used to say I was worth keeping just for that day. Now I see that nothing I did was ever going to be enough. It feels dark and empty. All of that trying. All of that time money and energy poured into the woman I loved was for nothing. In the end I was bitter and hateful and wished I had never met her. I wished I was dead so I could escape. I felt like I had failed in marriage after trying so hard. I believe now there was never enough I could do. I was always going to lose. It doesn't make me feel better. Just bad in a different way. I feel empty and sad. I was never going to bring healthy communication to someone who didn't want it. Wife or not.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Sounds awful. I wasted my early 20s on a woman just like her.
You cannot get the time back for trying to be a good person and working hard to make a loving relationship.
Because the person will let you love them but give only enough back to keep taking more.
Wisdom is a scam because you earn it when it's too late to be a useful as it should be.