Venting I deserve death.

[skippingrecords]

I don't change. My behavior hurts people, and I know it does, but even when I'm called out on my shit, I can't seem to get myself to change.

The amount of people in my life who have told me they care about me, told me to be careful with my risky behaviors, told me they loved me, it doesn't make a difference. I'm too self-serving.

I can see my future clearly. If I don't kill myself soon, I'll end up a homeless drug addict. I know I will. I have such a deep hatred for who I am, even when I consciously try to fix myself, my subconscious tries to run my life into the ground. Drinking, hard drugs, risky sexual behavior. This is the life I have created for myself. There is a part of myself that has such an obsession with the tragic life. I will never dig myself out. I don't care enough to dig myself out.

It's only a matter of time. Whether I consciously kill myself or die of a drug overdose, it's still suicide. I know exactly what I'm doing with this lifestyle. I know the drugs will kill me one day. I just don't fucking care. One day soon I will die and it will be exactly what I deserve.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I have hurt people close to me as well. I'm not really a drinker and I don't do drugs. It's surprising I don't as shitty as life is.
I hope you can find a way to stop. I know anything I say here won't really help. Most of the people on here have said therapists haven't been able to help them so I don't know if that is an option ? Maybe you have tried... I don't know.
I really don't care about life either … I just want it to end. I just don't have the courage to CTB … Yet. I know being on here has helped me cope with life … a little.
Anyway … Take Care (I know the hugs won't help either)

 

[skippingrecords]

I have hurt people close to me as well. I'm not really a drinker and I don't do drugs. It's surprising I don't as shitty as life is.
I hope you can find a way to stop. I know anything I say here won't really help. Most of the people on here have said therapists haven't been able to help them so I don't know if that is an option ? Maybe you have tried... I don't know.
I really don't care about life either … I just want it to end. I just don't have the courage to CTB … Yet. I know being on here has helped me cope with life … a little.
Anyway … Take Care (I know the hugs won't help either)

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I have tried therapists but I have a hard time getting myself to go to my appointments and actually open up. A lot of them also don't understand. Maybe one day I'll find a good therapist and be able to open up. You take care as well, I hope you find peace one day.

 

[Brink]

I'm sorry you've also come to the realisation that your behaviour is toxic, but I do not think that means you deserve death. The fact you're self-reflecting says a lot about you - that you're empathetic and willing to hold your hands up and admit you hurt others. I don't know how old you are, but these things can get better with age alongside a little helping hand. Whether it's reading, using the recovery section and talking to others here or seeking medical intervention, you can 'get better' – circumstances permitting. Having a viable option to CTB may bring you comfort and that's okay, but you should always try to exhaust all options. By engaging in a behaviour repetitively, we alter our 'self' - maybe that's a place to start? Try the small things first. I wish you all the best.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I have tried therapists but I have a hard time getting myself to go to my appointments and actually open up. A lot of them also don't understand. Maybe one day I'll find a good therapist and be able to open up. You take care as well, I hope you find peace one day.

DAMN !!! I had something to post and I fucked it up and it's gone. Anyway it wasn't much. I just wanted to say I wish I could give you a hug through the screen.
I'm probably emotional cuz it's almost 5am where I am anyway.

P.S. What does skippingrecords mean ?

 

[Emily123]

You don't deserve death . you need to change yourself . if it is not possible for you then you need to get professional help

 

[ManWithNoName]

I shudder with embarrassment when I think about how I have treated others in the past, but that's life—my life anyway. If you are young than take this moment of desire to ctb and instead change your behavior, stop the drugs and alcohol. At least try living well for a while—talk to those who you have mistreated and at least tell them you regret the way you've treated them. Even if they do not forgive you, and I would wager most will forgive, you will at least you can have the satisfaction of telling them that you know what you did was wrong. Trust me when I tell you there is great satisfaction in that.

 

[skippingrecords]

DAMN !!! I had something to post and I fucked it up and it's gone. Anyway it wasn't much. I just wanted to say I wish I could give you a hug through the screen.
I'm probably emotional cuz it's almost 5am where I am anyway.

P.S. What does skippingrecords mean ?

You're so sweet! Sending as much love through the screen as I can.
skippingrecords is a reference to the Fall Out Boy song "I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth." It's a coping song for me.

I shudder with embarrassment when I think about how I have treated others in the past, but that's life—my life anyway. If you are young than take this moment of desire to ctb and instead change your behavior, stop the drugs and alcohol. At least try living well for a while—talk to those who you have mistreated and at least tell them you regret the way you've treated them. Even if they do not forgive you, and I would wager most will forgive, you will at least you can have the satisfaction of telling them that you know what you did was wrong.

Thank you. I try to apologize every time I'm made aware that I've hurt someone. A person can only get so many chances, though. I do hold a small glimmer of hope that one day the desire to live well outweighs the desire to crash and burn. You're very kind, I hope you're doing well.

I'm sorry you've also come to the realisation that your behaviour is toxic, but I do not think that means you deserve death. The fact you're self-reflecting says a lot about you - that you're empathetic and willing to hold your hands up and admit you hurt others. I don't know how old you are, but these things can get better with age alongside a little helping hand. Whether it's reading, using the recovery section and talking to others here or seeking medical intervention, you can 'get better' – circumstances permitting. Having a viable option to CTB may bring you comfort and that's okay, but you should always try to exhaust all options. By engaging in a behaviour repetitively, we alter our 'self' - maybe that's a place to start? Try the small things first. I wish you all the best.

Thank you, I really appreciate the kind words. Sometimes I do let myself hope for a better life. Maybe one day I'll seek it out, when I have more energy to. I hope you're doing well. Take care.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

You're so sweet! Sending as much love through the screen as I can.
skippingrecords is a reference to the Fall Out Boy song "I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth." It's a coping song for me.

SHIT !!! I listen to Fall Out Boy and didn't get the reference. My favorite album is still Take This To Your Grave.
I haven't listened to it in soooo long ... I don't know where it is anymore.

 

[The nerd]

I don't change. My behavior hurts people, and I know it does, but even when I'm called out on my shit, I can't seem to get myself to change.

The amount of people in my life who have told me they care about me, told me to be careful with my risky behaviors, told me they loved me, it doesn't make a difference. I'm too self-serving.

I can see my future clearly. If I don't kill myself soon, I'll end up a homeless drug addict. I know I will. I have such a deep hatred for who I am, even when I consciously try to fix myself, my subconscious tries to run my life into the ground. Drinking, hard drugs, risky sexual behavior. This is the life I have created for myself. There is a part of myself that has such an obsession with the tragic life. I will never dig myself out. I don't care enough to dig myself out.

It's only a matter of time. Whether I consciously kill myself or die of a drug overdose, it's still suicide. I know exactly what I'm doing with this lifestyle. I know the drugs will kill me one day. I just don't fucking care. One day soon I will die and it will be exactly what I deserve.

I feel like I wrote this. It's like looking in a mirror.

 

[Thinking Beyond]

I don't change. My behavior hurts people, and I know it does, but even when I'm called out on my shit, I can't seem to get myself to change.

The amount of people in my life who have told me they care about me, told me to be careful with my risky behaviors, told me they loved me, it doesn't make a difference. I'm too self-serving.

I can see my future clearly. If I don't kill myself soon, I'll end up a homeless drug addict. I know I will. I have such a deep hatred for who I am, even when I consciously try to fix myself, my subconscious tries to run my life into the ground. Drinking, hard drugs, risky sexual behavior. This is the life I have created for myself. There is a part of myself that has such an obsession with the tragic life. I will never dig myself out. I don't care enough to dig myself out.

It's only a matter of time. Whether I consciously kill myself or die of a drug overdose, it's still suicide. I know exactly what I'm doing with this lifestyle. I know the drugs will kill me one day. I just don't fucking care. One day soon I will die and it will be exactly what I deserve.

Your under great illusion this is what mediators call Maya, so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[Antibody246]

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I have tried therapists but I have a hard time getting myself to go to my appointments and actually open up. A lot of them also don't understand. Maybe one day I'll find a good therapist and be able to open up. You take care as well, I hope you find peace one day.

All is forgotten. It's time to come home.

 

[skippingrecords]

I feel like I wrote this. It's like looking in a mirror.

I'm sorry you feel the same way. It really fucking sucks.