@-Link- i can't say my pain in one word or sentence. It's not even pain I don't know what is it?
I assure you, I know you are dealing with something that I or most other members here or most healthcare professionals or most people on the entire planet can't even begin to wrap their brains around.
There are no words that could ever make anyone fully understand what you're going through unless they, themselves, have experienced it.
I tried support group only one person have similar loss and that person was chewing gum had her nails done and full makeup I honestly left early I don't think I'm going back.
I don't think "a support group" is going to do it.
I don't think a support group for parents who have lost children is going to do it.
I don't even think a support group for parents who have lost children to suicide is going to do it. It's close, but it might not be quite enough.
What I would
really like to see for you is for you to connect with other parents who have lost
young adolescent children to suicide. That tiny age range of 13-to-15. It's a special age for teenagers, and it's a special age for parents. I think you need help getting through this from other people who have
very specifically gone through exactly what you have -- or as close to it as possible.
This is how you get through unimaginable, seemingly insurmountable grief. You seek out support from people who truly know what it is to be in your position because
they are living it too. Let these people help you. In doing this, you're not only setting yourself up to improve your ability to cope with this and survive for the longer term, but
you will also be helping
them because this is a part of
their healing process too: Helping other parents who are enduring the same experience. And once
you reach a certain point, you will be able to do the same for other people in your position.
Grief support groups, doctors, therapists, and other mental health practitioners: Yes, these people can help you too, and I'd absolutely encourage you to seek out support from all possible sources. But I think you're going to get the most effective help and support from other people who are literally living it themselves.
How do you find these people? You ask your family. You ask your friends. You ask friends of friends. You ask your mental healthcare workers. You ask your neighbours. You ask your coworkers and supervisors. You ask around on social media. You ask random strangers on the street, even. You can ask
anyone you want because your story is unique from most other people on this forum or in any support group you'll ever attend.
You lost your teenage son to suicide. This is something that will instantly resonate with just about 100% of the human population. It stops people dead in their tracks and makes them react with a "
holy fucking god" that allows them to immediately hear you loud-and-clear. They may have
no idea what to say to you -- and it's
important that you allow them this, their inability to even put words to what they'd like to say. They want to say
something, they just have no idea how to do it because your pain is absolutely incomprehensible to them. But you can use this to your advantage and get other people to help you in what's maybe the only way a lot of people can: Let them
network for you. There are other parents out there who are going through the exact same experience you are, and they are surviving. Let other people in your life -- or even total strangers -- find these people for you and connect you to them.
You're never going to get over this. The pain will always be there. But it
is possible to make a certain peace with it so that you and it can coexist. How do you do that? I have absolutely no idea. But I do know it is
possible because there are other people in your position doing it. Find these people. Reach out to them. Let them help themselves, by helping you.
These people will be your new best friends. Your life ended when your son died. The "old you" is gone and never coming back. The "old you" was living an average life and able to relate to the average person who was living the same kind of average life. The "new you" doesn't have this benefit. The "new you" is living a life that only a small fraction of people on the entire planet are living. Find these people, and let them into your new life.
There are parents of young adolescents all around the world right now, and some of these parents are going to lose their child to suicide. It might be next month. It might be next year. It might even be tomorrow. It's
going to happen, and these parents have no idea it's coming. When it hits them... whatever you're feeling right now, that's what they're going to be going through.
You could get yourself into a very unique position to be able to help these people like no one else can. And in doing so, you'd be helping yourself too. Helping yourself, by helping others.
You
can do this. I have absolutely no idea how it's possible. I imagine almost every other member who's ever been on this forum has absolutely no idea how it's possible.
But for these other parents you could find and reach out to and connect with?
They know. They are living proof that long-term survival is possible. Find them, and let them join your surviving children as the center of your new life.
I don't want my other 2 children to die by suicide. In the mean time, living with grieving mom like me with my symptoms that escalate daily is not healthy for them either. I love them so much they are so beautiful and innocent. It's heart breaking to do that to them I know. It's awful.
I have been through a lot of pain and suffering in my life. Nothing even remotely close to yours, but suicide has been my "companion" for quite a long time.
Early on, I did a lot of research about it. Not just about the usual stuff with methods, survivability, etc. but also on what I'd be doing to my family if I followed through with it.
I tried so hard to rationalize it. I read so many stories. I looked everywhere for stories from survivors of suicide loss trying to find a justification or rationalization to be able to tell myself that it was OK to put my family through it. I was never able to find one. Not a single one. As best I could tell, it was universal: For whatever challenges their loved ones gave them in life, they'd rather have them back in their lives, even along with all their challenges.
If you have any doubt about this, try having a point-blank conversation with your children. Tell them how badly you're struggling and that you're feeling this strong, persistent urge to follow your son in death. Give them the option of discussing it with you. If we lived in a more progressive society and everyone had access to government-provided assisted dying services, then this is a conversation you would have with them. Give them the opportunity to tell you and show you that they need you in their lives and that they
are better off
with you than without, even at your very lowest lows. It might be an absolutely godawful, challenging conversation to have, but if the other option is death -- your children losing you without even an opportunity to talk about it -- then have the conversation with them and give them the chance. (Editing to add: If your children are still minors, of course you'd have to be extra cautious here, so if they're minors, maybe a "direct approach" is not for the best. But maybe a very careful conversation could still be had. Maybe your sister might be able to help with something like this? Only you could be the judge of whether this option is approachable.)
Remember to take time off from this website as well. Dont stay here too often and read too many things. I understand your grieving but reading how to harm yourself on this site probably isn't aiding in the grieving process. Considering you just joined a month ago and have more post than I do I can tell ur spending alot of time on this website.
Just quoting this for emphasis because I think it's an astute point. We will support you as best we can whenever we can, but definitely try to be mindful of how much time you're spending here.
I think, also, the story from
@uglyugly about learning to sit with it is pretty spot-on as far as what survival can look like. While I'm not sure I'm equipped to meaningfully comment on this as a concept, I really do believe that if you could connect with other parents in your specific position and give them a chance to help you, you might surprise yourself in the end and actually learn how to "sit with it" -- how to move forward. Not "move on," but "move forward."
All the emotion and guilt and grief I've seen from you over the past month, I absolutely 100% completely utterly positively wholeheartedly believe in you as a parent, and I really believe you have it in you --
somewhere within you -- to do this and survive for yourself and for your children.