BlueberryDeer
Hope is volatile
- Nov 20, 2025
- 9
Hi community. This is my first post and I don't know where I begin to sort my thoughts about suicide.
But one thing is that I'm convinced that I'll die by suicide someday, but don't know when.
I'm afraid to discuss openly with a therapist or psychiatrist openly, and not call any hotline.
Yes, I have a job, I have a relative health (through I'm overweight right now), house, single, no cats or dogs to take care of, and single.
But I'm not happy. I don't like myself.
It concerned me that I was tempting of jumping at my office building from the bathroom's window, and I only visualize myself jumping or hanging myself in any moment. I don't feel any guilt of doing so, since both my parents died at 2020, the same year of my first serious attempt (via hanging, and, after reading some posts here, it was a failed partial hanging).
I procrastinate everything (Including dying). I have poor hygiene habits, my room is a disaster and I owe almost 1000 dollars in debt to the banks, but in Latin America that's a huge amount for someone who have a net salary of 600 dollars. The only remaining motivation is creative writing, however, I procrastinate also that creative process. I don't pretend to be a best seller, a Stephen King, only to bring some wacky novels.
Ah, and I'm also a transgender woman. I thought transitioning would help to my self-stem, and technically helped in some reason, but it brought the huge challenge to find job as a transgender woman, although I'm not initiate any hormone therapy for bureaucratic reasons (In resume, the public health system have an absurd waiting list), so the gender dysphoria is alarming for me.
But I'm not decided to die because the transphobia, or the homophobia. It's a myriad of thoughts. I don't hear any voices to do so, I'm aware of my depression and anxiety problems, and I'm aware of my "potentials", specifically in the professional area. But it's a battle against time. It scares that being in my 40's without a stable job (And no savings), being homeless.
I say that the only miracle it will winning the lottery, but it only would be a "patch", on the great emotional confusion that I have. Yes, I know that I didn't pass from traumas such as s**ual ab**e, or losing a family member or partner, or having drug use. The lottery only postpone the act, because I will have some temporary soil to write in peace and trying to enjoy my last days of life.
Ah, and I tried diverse forms of spirituality. Christianity (Various denominations), meditation, Hinduism (I wish I know better Krishna), and only being positive. But suicide thoughts come like a boomerang, or even I have days that one of my first thoughts is to imagine myself doing the act.
In terms of spirituality or philosophy, I don't fear any hell. The worst scenario is to reincarnate.
Anyway, perhaps isn't the proper term, or could be offensive for the actual oncology patients, but I compare the suicidal thoughts as a "mental cancer" that I fear I can't be cured. It follows me. I crave death scenarios. Even I joked internally that I'll be happy if some burglar threatens me to kill and I react to be injured only for avoiding the suicidal stigma.
I feel like a timebomb. I could develop any psychosis, or any other mental disorder in any moment. Ah, and the main reason that I didn't discuss this with a therapist or psychiatrist is to avoid to be disprove of my gender identity, and I could feel worse if I act as a man again. So it's a myriad of thoughts I can't put in order and suicide seems my way.
(english isn't my first language and I refused to use any AI translation, because I work in that area).
But one thing is that I'm convinced that I'll die by suicide someday, but don't know when.
I'm afraid to discuss openly with a therapist or psychiatrist openly, and not call any hotline.
Yes, I have a job, I have a relative health (through I'm overweight right now), house, single, no cats or dogs to take care of, and single.
But I'm not happy. I don't like myself.
It concerned me that I was tempting of jumping at my office building from the bathroom's window, and I only visualize myself jumping or hanging myself in any moment. I don't feel any guilt of doing so, since both my parents died at 2020, the same year of my first serious attempt (via hanging, and, after reading some posts here, it was a failed partial hanging).
I procrastinate everything (Including dying). I have poor hygiene habits, my room is a disaster and I owe almost 1000 dollars in debt to the banks, but in Latin America that's a huge amount for someone who have a net salary of 600 dollars. The only remaining motivation is creative writing, however, I procrastinate also that creative process. I don't pretend to be a best seller, a Stephen King, only to bring some wacky novels.
Ah, and I'm also a transgender woman. I thought transitioning would help to my self-stem, and technically helped in some reason, but it brought the huge challenge to find job as a transgender woman, although I'm not initiate any hormone therapy for bureaucratic reasons (In resume, the public health system have an absurd waiting list), so the gender dysphoria is alarming for me.
But I'm not decided to die because the transphobia, or the homophobia. It's a myriad of thoughts. I don't hear any voices to do so, I'm aware of my depression and anxiety problems, and I'm aware of my "potentials", specifically in the professional area. But it's a battle against time. It scares that being in my 40's without a stable job (And no savings), being homeless.
I say that the only miracle it will winning the lottery, but it only would be a "patch", on the great emotional confusion that I have. Yes, I know that I didn't pass from traumas such as s**ual ab**e, or losing a family member or partner, or having drug use. The lottery only postpone the act, because I will have some temporary soil to write in peace and trying to enjoy my last days of life.
Ah, and I tried diverse forms of spirituality. Christianity (Various denominations), meditation, Hinduism (I wish I know better Krishna), and only being positive. But suicide thoughts come like a boomerang, or even I have days that one of my first thoughts is to imagine myself doing the act.
In terms of spirituality or philosophy, I don't fear any hell. The worst scenario is to reincarnate.
Anyway, perhaps isn't the proper term, or could be offensive for the actual oncology patients, but I compare the suicidal thoughts as a "mental cancer" that I fear I can't be cured. It follows me. I crave death scenarios. Even I joked internally that I'll be happy if some burglar threatens me to kill and I react to be injured only for avoiding the suicidal stigma.
I feel like a timebomb. I could develop any psychosis, or any other mental disorder in any moment. Ah, and the main reason that I didn't discuss this with a therapist or psychiatrist is to avoid to be disprove of my gender identity, and I could feel worse if I act as a man again. So it's a myriad of thoughts I can't put in order and suicide seems my way.
(english isn't my first language and I refused to use any AI translation, because I work in that area).
