dragonofenvy
Mage
- Oct 8, 2023
- 560
I stopped coming here on Oct. 29 as that was the day I decided that I would CTB on either my birthday or Valentine's Day. The last day of my job was on my birthday, and when I tried to go through with it after work... well I guess I should've known that hypothermia was too slow. I think at the time I also felt too miserable to commit to it, miserable to the point that it was the first time I sobbed in several months.
For the first couple of days, I just laid in bed, rarely getting up. Maybe I was in a half-coma from the hypothermia. It did feel better to not have to work at my terrible factory job for a bit. I did start feeling a bit hopeful when someone I knew on Discord reached out and we floated the idea of becoming roommates in a different state but after I started planning for it we both realized it wasn't possible for us yet. Doesn't feel too good to feel miserable, dejected, then hopeful, then dejected again all in the space of a couple of days.
I decided two weeks after my attempt to start applying for jobs again. Aside from job interviews I haven't left my apartment once in three weeks nor have I spoken to anyone other than the recruiters. It felt nice to speak after three weeks of silence but they're job interviews they suck. For some strange reason, these people who are "desperately" hiring don't have good enough communication skills that they love candidates having to schedule an interview. The ones that do, well I guess I fuck the interviews up. It sucks a lot too because there was a place that had awesome benefits: 3 weeks of paid vacation, 100% paid healthcare, and survivable pay. While the job sucked only slightly less than my last one it seemed a lot better than 6 days of vacation of which half are paid and healthcare that costs 10% of my paycheck for a job where you're nothing more than a cattle. They were teaching me all the responsibilities of the place, made me fill out tons of paperwork, and introduced me to employees, so I thought I had the job. Nope. I wasted five hours there. Five fucking hours for their interview and orientation and they never contacted me about my first day. Guess I won't be getting healthcare for my weight, appetite, and sleep problems.
I don't know what's left. I don't know how to CTB. I don't think I can summon the motivation for it. I don't have friends outside of people I talk to once or twice per week on Discord and haven't had friends in the past 5 years. I have the threat of homelessness looming over me and am getting ghosted by recruiters who contact me first about scheduling an interview. God fucking dammit why couldn't I have just gone through with it. I should've gone through with my attempts when I was very young since my doomsday prophecies about myself from fucking 10 years ago are coming true. Alone in an apartment with 0 friends unemployed or working a shitty job. Yep, I'm glad I kept fighting through my misery since I was eight years old this was definitely fucking worth it.
I spent years trying to do something. Hoping for something. I really, genuinely tried for years but man I just can't anymore. Now I can't even die. I'm probably going to end up on the streets since I managed to fuck my life up even more and that'll definitely show me what rock bottom feels like. Can't wait to be worse off than I ever thought possible. Great. Just fucking great. And this is just one of the major things I have to fucking deal with on top of all the mounting small shit but I'm not going to write a novel 5 paragraphs is enough for today.
For the first couple of days, I just laid in bed, rarely getting up. Maybe I was in a half-coma from the hypothermia. It did feel better to not have to work at my terrible factory job for a bit. I did start feeling a bit hopeful when someone I knew on Discord reached out and we floated the idea of becoming roommates in a different state but after I started planning for it we both realized it wasn't possible for us yet. Doesn't feel too good to feel miserable, dejected, then hopeful, then dejected again all in the space of a couple of days.
I decided two weeks after my attempt to start applying for jobs again. Aside from job interviews I haven't left my apartment once in three weeks nor have I spoken to anyone other than the recruiters. It felt nice to speak after three weeks of silence but they're job interviews they suck. For some strange reason, these people who are "desperately" hiring don't have good enough communication skills that they love candidates having to schedule an interview. The ones that do, well I guess I fuck the interviews up. It sucks a lot too because there was a place that had awesome benefits: 3 weeks of paid vacation, 100% paid healthcare, and survivable pay. While the job sucked only slightly less than my last one it seemed a lot better than 6 days of vacation of which half are paid and healthcare that costs 10% of my paycheck for a job where you're nothing more than a cattle. They were teaching me all the responsibilities of the place, made me fill out tons of paperwork, and introduced me to employees, so I thought I had the job. Nope. I wasted five hours there. Five fucking hours for their interview and orientation and they never contacted me about my first day. Guess I won't be getting healthcare for my weight, appetite, and sleep problems.
I don't know what's left. I don't know how to CTB. I don't think I can summon the motivation for it. I don't have friends outside of people I talk to once or twice per week on Discord and haven't had friends in the past 5 years. I have the threat of homelessness looming over me and am getting ghosted by recruiters who contact me first about scheduling an interview. God fucking dammit why couldn't I have just gone through with it. I should've gone through with my attempts when I was very young since my doomsday prophecies about myself from fucking 10 years ago are coming true. Alone in an apartment with 0 friends unemployed or working a shitty job. Yep, I'm glad I kept fighting through my misery since I was eight years old this was definitely fucking worth it.
I spent years trying to do something. Hoping for something. I really, genuinely tried for years but man I just can't anymore. Now I can't even die. I'm probably going to end up on the streets since I managed to fuck my life up even more and that'll definitely show me what rock bottom feels like. Can't wait to be worse off than I ever thought possible. Great. Just fucking great. And this is just one of the major things I have to fucking deal with on top of all the mounting small shit but I'm not going to write a novel 5 paragraphs is enough for today.
