Venting I couldn't do it.

[Finis Autem Spero]

I couldn't do it. Krystal (Name changed for privacy reasons though I know she'd get a giggle out of this name) had gone to work and the last thing I said to her was that I love her. I had everything ready, had the knife at my throat ready to whack it in there with the other hand and I couldn't bring myself to do it.

All I really care about is her and how she would feel. I love her too much to do that to her. I don't know, there's still part of me that thinks well there's always next time.

That kind of thinking hasn't been good for me. I've had the thought of "I'm gonna kill myself anyway, so what's the point?" in my head for half my life and it's lead to some pretty terrible decisions and my physical and mental health have suffered as a result. The thought is still there and I don't want it there any more.

I don't know what has changed, but I feel like it's to do with her. We've been together for about six and a half years and she is without a doubt the best thing that has happened to me in my life. She's not perfect, and I know that. In fact, she can be downright infuriating at times. In the time we've been together I've had the privilege of seeing her grow as a person, and of helping her grow. It's probably hard for me to see, but I know she's helped me grow as well in some ways.

All I've been thinking about for the last few weeks is our time together and how much it means to me. I don't want it to end. I don't want to live in this shitty world, but I don't want to stop watching cheesy TV with her, or building random shit in Minecraft together, or making stupid fucking jokes that have us laughing so much we can barely breathe.

Maybe it's just a fortuitously timed manic swing and I'll go back to my usual boring self, but I hope not. Right now I just want to get better so that she doesn't have to worry about me and I don't have to hurt her. Besides, there's always another bus to catch.

I still think hope is a bullshit sentiment, but love isn't. I know it's cheesy and I barely know most of you, but I love you fuckers. In a fundamental we're-all-one kinda way, and in a more specific "We've gone through shit and I genuinely care about you all" kinda way, I love you.

 

[Tempeste]

There is no shame in changing your mind

 

[Innereye]

Its up to you to make that value judgement

 

[BPD Barbie]

It's ok to change your mind, it's ok to not do it. The time wasn't right, maybe it will never be right, but that's ok. You have someone to live for, someone you love. We will still be here, you don't have to leave or not post because you didn't ctb. We are family glad you're staying with us a bit longer.

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

There is no shame in changing your mind

Still feel like an imposter though.

Its up to you to make that value judgement

True. Love your profile picture. I'm thinking some of McKenna's little friends might do me some good again. Honestly, I've been thinking about shrooming for a few days and it's sort of reminding me of things I felt years ago.

It's ok to change your mind, it's ok to not do it. The time wasn't right, maybe it will never be right, but that's ok. You have someone to live for, someone you love. We will still be here, you don't have to leave or not post because you didn't ctb. We are family glad you're staying with us a bit longer.

My real reason is because I have to keep sending you earworms. Even if it's only a temporary recovery, and something tips the scales the other way again, I'm gonna stick around. I know I can be obnoxiously positive when I'm like this so feel free to tell me to stfu. Thank you

 

[Jean4]

As long as the love is stronger than the pain, then it is not your time, and there is hope.

You will know it is time when the love and your partner's feelings no longer matter because the pain is greater than the love.

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind. Your partner is very lucky to have you.

 

[Thereisnothing]

If you have love given to you by someone and you love them in return, then to me that is what matters. I am all alone now with noone in outside world, so I urge those here who do have loved ones still and vice versa to take all the strength from that, they can get.
Some lovely souls here, who are are loving and caring and that means so much to me, however hard things are.
It obviously wasn't you time to leave and I am glad you have that love-cherish it, Cherish her. xx

 

[Jean4]

If you have love given to you by someone and you love them in return, then to me that is what matters. I am all alone now with noone in outside world, so I urge those here who do have loved ones still and vice versa to take all the strength from that, they can get.
Some lovely souls here, who are are loving and caring and that means so much to me, however hard things are.
It obviously wasn't you time to leave and I am glad you have that love-cherish it, Cherish her. xx

You have us. Trust me. Having people who you can be completely honest with and love and accept you (as we do here) is better than people in the outside world you have to put on that fake smile for.

 

[Thereisnothing]

You have us. Trust me. Having people who you can be completely honest with and love and accept you (as we do here) is better than people in the outside world you have to put on that fake smile for.

Oh and dont I know all too well that fake smile......I liken it to being a clown as they are often very sad and troubled souls. I am known in outside world for being always smiling, happy and coping with everything..........if only people knew. Thank you for your kind words and love, means the world to me and this place truly is a lifeline and appreciate it so much.

 

[Jean4]

Oh and dont I know all too well that fake smile......I liken it to being a clown as they are often very sad and troubled souls. I am known in outside world for being always smiling, happy and coping with everything..........if only people knew. Thank you for your kind words and love, means the world to me and this place truly is a lifeline and appreciate it so much.

This place keeps us alive. We can be miserable. Just being able to do that makes one feel better ;)

 

[Y-B]

I think it's great you have someone you love and that makes your life worth living.

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

You have us. Trust me. Having people who you can be completely honest with and love and accept you (as we do here) is better than people in the outside world you have to put on that fake smile for.

It's hard to overestimate the value of not being forced into fake cheerfulness for the comfort of others. It's one of the main reasons I love this place.

 

[PwincessStepford]

You are so fortunate to have someone you can love that much.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

I couldn't do it. Krystal (Name changed for privacy reasons though I know she'd get a giggle out of this name) had gone to work and the last thing I said to her was that I love her. I had everything ready, had the knife at my throat ready to whack it in there with the other hand and I couldn't bring myself to do it.

All I really care about is her and how she would feel. I love her too much to do that to her. I don't know, there's still part of me that thinks well there's always next time.

That kind of thinking hasn't been good for me. I've had the thought of "I'm gonna kill myself anyway, so what's the point?" in my head for half my life and it's lead to some pretty terrible decisions and my physical and mental health have suffered as a result. The thought is still there and I don't want it there any more.

I don't know what has changed, but I feel like it's to do with her. We've been together for about six and a half years and she is without a doubt the best thing that has happened to me in my life. She's not perfect, and I know that. In fact, she can be downright infuriating at times. In the time we've been together I've had the privilege of seeing her grow as a person, and of helping her grow. It's probably hard for me to see, but I know she's helped me grow as well in some ways.

All I've been thinking about for the last few weeks is our time together and how much it means to me. I don't want it to end. I don't want to live in this shitty world, but I don't want to stop watching cheesy TV with her, or building random shit in Minecraft together, or making stupid fucking jokes that have us laughing so much we can barely breathe.

Maybe it's just a fortuitously timed manic swing and I'll go back to my usual boring self, but I hope not. Right now I just want to get better so that she doesn't have to worry about me and I don't have to hurt her. Besides, there's always another bus to catch.

I still think hope is a bullshit sentiment, but love isn't. I know it's cheesy and I barely know most of you, but I love you fuckers. In a fundamental we're-all-one kinda way, and in a more specific "We've gone through shit and I genuinely care about you all" kinda way, I love you.

Thank you for sharing your journey. Love is a rare and beautiful thing. I'm glad that you can enjoy it.
Peace and hugs

 

[Defenestrator]

It's hard to overestimate the value of not being forced into fake cheerfulness for the comfort of others. It's one of the main reasons I love this place.

This is the beauty of this place - it's invaluable to be able to just be without judgement. It's why I finally made an account!

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation and it's ok. It's also the SI (survival instinct) that is keeping you around so don't be too hard on yourself. Whatever you choose, whether to stay for your friend or when you decide to go, do be at peace with your decision.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Well done I'm glad you are staying. And you are not an imposter, you are staying for the right reason, the best reason of all. The first bit of your post chilled me and the last bit made me smile!

 

[Quarky00]

This place keeps us alive. We can be miserable. Just being able to do that makes one feel better ;)

That's why I hate SS. Members kindness harms my ctb motivation. I even smiled the other day. Shame on you!!

 

[Jean4]

That's why I hate SS. Members kindness harms my ctb motivation. I even smiled the other day. Shame on you!!