Zaya
dead dreams, false hopes
- May 3, 2023
- 122
For context, I was / am still planning to do the SN method. I got everything I needed for it in the last couple of weeks and just hid it away in a box under my bed for the time being.
A week ago I was on a call with I guess my favourite person who I am also in love with and after some normal talking and having a nice time together he said something that just made me feel bad and uncomfortable so I left the call saying I didnt feel good and needed some time alone and as soon as I left the call I just started listening to music and getting drunk.. after about an hour of drinking and crying I got the box from under my bed and just cried over the fact that I so badly want to ctb. I knew I was drunk and had eaten a couple hours earlier so it wouldve probably not worked so I just took some of the benzos to see what would happen. I fell asleep pretty quickly and the next day I texted him and told him why I really left and he seemed understanding and then I just fell asleep again for like 3 hours. When I woke up again I told him I wanted to talk but he didnt want to at first but it was really important to me so we started arguing and eventually he actually called me.. The call went for like 15 minutes but tbh I dont remember anything we talked about except that I said something like "Im sorry it wont happen again" and he said it will probably because it always does and I said no I mean it cant happen again bc I am going to kill myself and then I think I left the call. after that i just got the box from under my bed, crushed the benzos and mixed them into water, mixed the sn with water, took the metoclopramide and set a timer according to the pph protocol (at that point i also hadnt eaten for the entire day). while i waited i saw that he sent me some messages basically being kinda concerned but also not really taking me seriously and saying i shouldnt be "making fun" of suicide and then we started arguing again and i dont remember what happened next, i probably got distracted by it and forgot about the SN and just stayed in bed (it was pretty late in the evening already when that happened) and just fell asleep at some point.. the next day we called again and talked about it and it seemed fine.. so i decided to pour both drinks into the sink and hide the rest of the stuff under my bed.. To cut it short the next day he just ignored me but apparently it was because of personal stuff so i was understanding of it, then on friday i was rlly excited to talk to him again and i just tried having a normal conversation and asking him stuff about his life but he just gave me the dumbest answers and didnt take me srsly and when i complained he said i should just stop whining about everything so i left.. i waited the rest of the evening and the next day for some kind of message like an apology or idk what but nothing so yesterday i just stayed in bed all day, listening to music, getting drunk, cutting myself and continuing to wait but nothing came so i wrote a long ass text about how i feel and sent it to him and well i guess its over now.. the same person who once made me feel like the most special person alive now apparently doesnt care if i kill myself and gives up on our relationship just because i can be very sensitive / emotional about certain things
Also i wanna make it clear that this isnt the only reason why i wanna ctb, in that moment it was just an impulse that just brought everything crushing down on me.. but in reality there are so many more reasons and i regret i didnt go through with it..
Now I still have the SN which is now opened tho but apparently at this purity level it shouldnt be an issue so idk maybe ill order some again to be safe or not idk yet. Still have more than enough of the antiemetics but I wasted all the benzos now which was like the hardest and most expensive thing to get out of them all and the source i bought it from doesnt sell them anymore at the moment so maybe ill just do it without them
A week ago I was on a call with I guess my favourite person who I am also in love with and after some normal talking and having a nice time together he said something that just made me feel bad and uncomfortable so I left the call saying I didnt feel good and needed some time alone and as soon as I left the call I just started listening to music and getting drunk.. after about an hour of drinking and crying I got the box from under my bed and just cried over the fact that I so badly want to ctb. I knew I was drunk and had eaten a couple hours earlier so it wouldve probably not worked so I just took some of the benzos to see what would happen. I fell asleep pretty quickly and the next day I texted him and told him why I really left and he seemed understanding and then I just fell asleep again for like 3 hours. When I woke up again I told him I wanted to talk but he didnt want to at first but it was really important to me so we started arguing and eventually he actually called me.. The call went for like 15 minutes but tbh I dont remember anything we talked about except that I said something like "Im sorry it wont happen again" and he said it will probably because it always does and I said no I mean it cant happen again bc I am going to kill myself and then I think I left the call. after that i just got the box from under my bed, crushed the benzos and mixed them into water, mixed the sn with water, took the metoclopramide and set a timer according to the pph protocol (at that point i also hadnt eaten for the entire day). while i waited i saw that he sent me some messages basically being kinda concerned but also not really taking me seriously and saying i shouldnt be "making fun" of suicide and then we started arguing again and i dont remember what happened next, i probably got distracted by it and forgot about the SN and just stayed in bed (it was pretty late in the evening already when that happened) and just fell asleep at some point.. the next day we called again and talked about it and it seemed fine.. so i decided to pour both drinks into the sink and hide the rest of the stuff under my bed.. To cut it short the next day he just ignored me but apparently it was because of personal stuff so i was understanding of it, then on friday i was rlly excited to talk to him again and i just tried having a normal conversation and asking him stuff about his life but he just gave me the dumbest answers and didnt take me srsly and when i complained he said i should just stop whining about everything so i left.. i waited the rest of the evening and the next day for some kind of message like an apology or idk what but nothing so yesterday i just stayed in bed all day, listening to music, getting drunk, cutting myself and continuing to wait but nothing came so i wrote a long ass text about how i feel and sent it to him and well i guess its over now.. the same person who once made me feel like the most special person alive now apparently doesnt care if i kill myself and gives up on our relationship just because i can be very sensitive / emotional about certain things
Also i wanna make it clear that this isnt the only reason why i wanna ctb, in that moment it was just an impulse that just brought everything crushing down on me.. but in reality there are so many more reasons and i regret i didnt go through with it..
Now I still have the SN which is now opened tho but apparently at this purity level it shouldnt be an issue so idk maybe ill order some again to be safe or not idk yet. Still have more than enough of the antiemetics but I wasted all the benzos now which was like the hardest and most expensive thing to get out of them all and the source i bought it from doesnt sell them anymore at the moment so maybe ill just do it without them
