i confessed to the person i've loved for the last 5 years of my life

[lumene]

me and my best friend have a really intense and unstable relationship, i'm pretty certain that i have bpd and am getting evaluated for it relatively soon. i've loved her since i was 16 and it got to a point the last couple years where i just couldnt imagine a life for myself without imagining myself as her girlfriend. i just cant see outside of this, in my eyes we're just too perfect for each other it doesn't make sense that we wouldnt be. but at the same time i knew she didnt view me that way and i guess i wanted to hold onto the potential instead of knowing things cant be that way.
i decided to finally just confess to her because i've been really shutting down lately and i have to make a choice in the next week about where to apply for university (my plan so far has been to go to uni close to her, and she wants this for us too). i felt like i just needed to tell her so i dont apply for these universities and then be stuck there if anything bad happens between us in the future.
it went a lot better than i anticipated to be completely honest. she ended up telling me that she doesn't share these feelings but also that she doesn't want anything to change between us, i think this was probably the best outcome but it still hurts.
she's literally cradled me in her arms and kissed me on the head, she's fallen asleep on my shoulder while stroking my arm, she's walked arm in arm with me and giggled when someone whistled at us, we literally spent a day in each others clothes. i don't know it's just... i'm really happy that she trusts in my intentions (i sincerely have not acted on my feelings and dont plan to and have made this clear) and she still wants all this for us, she directly said she wants to fall asleep on my lap while watching tv again and cryhug while we listen to my favourite records (both things we did the last time we met). im really happy that we can still do this and we can still tell each other we love each other without it being any different but like
it's just really hard i guess. i guess it's a relief to be sincerely sad without feeling like im just going crazy but i cant get rid of the desperate feeling of "this just doesnt make sense. we're supposed to be together why cant this be true."
i'm half posting this just to get the words out but also seeing as this is a more relatable situation to be in than i'm used to i'd like to ask if anyone has advice for getting over this. i want to see a future for myself without being her girlfriend, i want to feel life is worth living without centering it around her. also just like, at the moment i'm avoiding doing anything for myself because i dont want to see movies with romance, songs about love, games with romance, books with love, i'm just staying in bed because even briefly this stuff hurts too much. i guess i just want to know how to work through this in the long term and how to distract myself in the short-term, it's really difficult and i've never had to deal with something like this before.

 

[_Gollum_]

I'm sorry :\ I understand a bit of what you're going through. I was in love with the only best friend I've ever had and it was unreciprocated. The rejection was the trigger for the first suicidal crisis I ever had, and it took me about 5 years to get over him -- and we weren't even in contact for most of that time! Yet I'd still think about him everyday.

Your situation isn't mine, so I don't know what's right for you, but for me it would have been impossible to get over him if I hadn't gone no contact. It was really difficult--he was my best friend, after all--but it was necessary in order to allow the wound to heal. For you no-contact could just be temporary, but for me unfortunately it had to be permanent; for whatever reason, my brain is just not capable of seeing him as just a friend.

TLDR: know your limits.

 

[lumene]

I'm sorry :\ I understand a bit of what you're going through. I was in love with the only best friend I've ever had and it was unreciprocated. The rejection was the trigger for the first suicidal crisis I ever had, and it took me about 5 years to get over him -- and we weren't even in contact for most of that time! Yet I'd still think about him everyday.

Your situation isn't mine, so I don't know what's right for you, but for me it would have been impossible to get over him if I hadn't gone no contact. It was really difficult--he was my best friend, after all--but it was necessary in order to allow the wound to heal. For you no-contact could just be temporary, but for me unfortunately it had to be permanent; for whatever reason, my brain is just not capable of seeing him as just a friend.

TLDR: know your limits.

im sorry 2 hear abt this, it's crazy how much this stuff weighs over u
i don't think going no contact would b good for either me or her, my ideal is to continue being her best friend nd remain affectionate nd learn 2 not associate these feelings w that because i've been able 2 with an old close friend but i'd be lying if i said this didn't feel impossible right now. at the very least now that a tiny bit of time has passed i think i'm feeling this in waves, i'm definitely being forced to accept how things are and i get moments where it feels really cruel and like this is wrong and we're still supposed to be together but i'm hoping i'll be able to balance this out the more time passes and the more i'm able to spend time with her knowing we're just that and i shouldnt hope for anything more

 

[_Gollum_]

im sorry 2 hear abt this, it's crazy how much this stuff weighs over u
i don't think going no contact would b good for either me or her, my ideal is to continue being her best friend nd remain affectionate nd learn 2 not associate these feelings w that because i've been able 2 with an old close friend but i'd be lying if i said this didn't feel impossible right now. at the very least now that a tiny bit of time has passed i think i'm feeling this in waves, i'm definitely being forced to accept how things are and i get moments where it feels really cruel and like this is wrong and we're still supposed to be together but i'm hoping i'll be able to balance this out the more time passes and the more i'm able to spend time with her knowing we're just that and i shouldnt hope for anything more

Wish you luck, these situations can be very gnarly for both parties involved

 

[Lilithium]

me and my best friend have a really intense and unstable relationship, i'm pretty certain that i have bpd and am getting evaluated for it relatively soon. i've loved her since i was 16 and it got to a point the last couple years where i just couldnt imagine a life for myself without imagining myself as her girlfriend. i just cant see outside of this, in my eyes we're just too perfect for each other it doesn't make sense that we wouldnt be. but at the same time i knew she didnt view me that way and i guess i wanted to hold onto the potential instead of knowing things cant be that way.
i decided to finally just confess to her because i've been really shutting down lately and i have to make a choice in the next week about where to apply for university (my plan so far has been to go to uni close to her, and she wants this for us too). i felt like i just needed to tell her so i dont apply for these universities and then be stuck there if anything bad happens between us in the future.
it went a lot better than i anticipated to be completely honest. she ended up telling me that she doesn't share these feelings but also that she doesn't want anything to change between us, i think this was probably the best outcome but it still hurts.
she's literally cradled me in her arms and kissed me on the head, she's fallen asleep on my shoulder while stroking my arm, she's walked arm in arm with me and giggled when someone whistled at us, we literally spent a day in each others clothes. i don't know it's just... i'm really happy that she trusts in my intentions (i sincerely have not acted on my feelings and dont plan to and have made this clear) and she still wants all this for us, she directly said she wants to fall asleep on my lap while watching tv again and cryhug while we listen to my favourite records (both things we did the last time we met). im really happy that we can still do this and we can still tell each other we love each other without it being any different but like
it's just really hard i guess. i guess it's a relief to be sincerely sad without feeling like im just going crazy but i cant get rid of the desperate feeling of "this just doesnt make sense. we're supposed to be together why cant this be true."
i'm half posting this just to get the words out but also seeing as this is a more relatable situation to be in than i'm used to i'd like to ask if anyone has advice for getting over this. i want to see a future for myself without being her girlfriend, i want to feel life is worth living without centering it around her. also just like, at the moment i'm avoiding doing anything for myself because i dont want to see movies with romance, songs about love, games with romance, books with love, i'm just staying in bed because even briefly this stuff hurts too much. i guess i just want to know how to work through this in the long term and how to distract myself in the short-term, it's really difficult and i've never had to deal with something like this before.

I'm sorry that you're going through this I hope you could at least get some catharsis from being open with her, and I hope you can find a way to continue to have her in your life without feeling distressed