Venting I chickened out.

[TheRiverStyz]

I had planned to CTB on Friday but I chickened out. I promised myself I'd do it tomorrow (Monday). I don't think I'd do it then, either. But nothing's getting better and the pain isn't going away. I'm so angry at myself. I wish I could ask for encouragement but I know I can't. I guess I'm just venting because I don't have anyone to talk to about this - not unless I want to go back to involuntary admission that is...

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

dont worry you will die eventually

 

[Ashpac]

Don't worry. I planned to end it two weeks ago after my holiday with sn. Anxiety set in like never before and I couldn't do it. It happens.

 

[CornerE]

I'm sure it's stupid survival extinct that step in .. not anxiety .

if your choosen method is instant and can't be interrupted ,
like a gun shot .. It's always too late to be "rescued" ( like they call it )
then I think you're best shot is when you reach your smoke point ( like I call it )
when you're really angry , furious or in tremendous pain .

when the feeling that is pushing you towards Suicide is too strong that it beats up any stupid wicked instinct .

whatever it is you noticed that often drives you over the edge .
a fight with someone , some thing/person irritates you , .......

if the method needs total privacy not to be interrupted , well you could recall/remember the bad things that you wish to avoid by taking your own life .
and emagine how worse it could get if you backed out .

if that didn't help .

then I think you should dismiss aggressive ,violent and brutal methods all together
because hurting your self is not easy .

N and SN may feel like ingesting a meal or a drink = somethings your survival extinct is not equipped to fight involuntarily ( unlike fear of heights , electrical shocks and burning reflex reacts , ... )

 

[Edrudd]

I will try SN next week I hope I can do it

 

[Redrock]

If you are in a strong emotional state, do not do it, in this state higher the chance you make bad, non-rational decisions

 

[Redt2go]

 

[Struggling]

I always chicken out. But I'm in a circle. Don't see point in doing anything as I plan to ctb. Everyone feels like this you are not alone trust me.

 

[suffering]

It happened to me as well..The survival instinct is a surprisingly strong and humiliating force.

 

[TheRiverStyz]

If you are in a strong emotional state, do not do it, in this state higher the chance you make bad, non-rational decisions

It was a rational decision for me. I'd been planning it for a while. I went to see Download Festival last week and I'd decided I would end it after that. I chose Friday because it would mean that my partner would have the weekend to deal with things instead of, say, taking a week off work. I just knew I'd have to end it sometime, and at this point I want it sooner rather than later.

I'm sure it's stupid survival extinct that step in .. not anxiety .
...

God, I wish I had a gun.

 

[RM5998]

Yeah, the same thing happened to me last November. I'd suggest not counting on long-term planning, since it's extremely frustrating and painful when it doesn't come off. If possible, keep your means close by and wait for the moment you feel comfortable with going. Good luck.

 

[throwaway123]

I've also been struggling with this for years and I know people who've struggled with this for decades. :(